Our Little Warrior Owen

This blog is dedicated to our little sunshine angel Owen. We named him Owen because it means little warrior and we knew he would have to be with two older brothers. He was our little sunshine and his heart stopped beating unexpectedly on his 5 month birthday. We are devastated by the loss of our little guy. Hopefully, this blog will give readers a sense of what a beautiful spirit he was, how he completed our family and will help to keep his memory alive. We hope this gives light into our grieving process and can help other families that suffer a similar tragic loss.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

SIDS Fundraiser for March Madness - Brackets 4 Life

Dear Owen,

I was fortunate to come across a fundraiser to raise money for SIDS research.  As you know, we are college basketball fans and your daddy and I also went to Duke for grad school.  Your daddy and you watched the NCAA tournament last year together.  Your daddy loved to watch games with you sitting on his lap.  You were such a cuddle bug!

A current Duke student created Brackets 4 Life to raise money for SIDS research by creating a march maddness bracket.  This Duke student lost his 5 month old brother 17 years ago.  I have connected with his mother and she has given me hope that one day Owen, I will be able to remember your sweet smile and smile myself.  Hopefully her son Christopher and you are bonding in Heaven!

Anyone interested in helping out a cause near and dear to our hearts and our sweet Owen, please participate...



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Maybe one day we will find out why SIDS happens and prevent any other family from experiencing the pain we go through every day.

Miss you more than I could ever express Owen but things like this show me that good can come out of an unthinkable situation.

Your one and only Mom

Monday, March 18, 2013

Verbalizing Infant Loss

Dear Owen,

Last night I woke up to the sounds of your dad sobbing in his sleep.  It frightened me because it sounded like the cries I heard for months after you first left us for Heaven.  I immediately asked him if he was ok and he just said he had to go into your room and write in his journal.  It was so upsetting to hear those cries in the middle of the night and I was brought back immediately to the stabbing pain we felt the first weeks and months after you passed.  It is not that we don't feel that way now, I guess we have learned to control it now.  Unfortunately we can't control our dreams.

I came across this article on infant loss and I thought it really depicted how we feel.  Honestly, how no one else can feel the pain we feel.  Not that I want someone too but I think that is why we have leant so heavily on other families that have experienced such profound loss.


The writer sums it up perfectly. 

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Owen, a day has not gone by that I haven't cried for you or ached to see your smiling face. 

I miss you more than words could ever express.

Your One and Only Mom

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Simple sounds

Dear Owen,

I hope you are enjoying have your great grandmother in heaven with you now.  As you know, your daddy's grandmother passed away on February 24.  She was 97 so I think it was her time to go but it is sad regardless.  Going to her funeral was very tough for me and the rest of the family.  It brought back a lot of memories of your memorial mass.  The songs, the songs, the songs.  Your daddy was a pallbearer so he was on the other side of the church but I saw him cry so hard when the entrance song was Here I am Lord.  I cried along with him.  All of the songs during the mass reminded me of you.  I was thankful that I was on Liam patrol so I had to focus on keeping him quiet instead of being so sad.  I felt your spirit as I always do.

At the wake the night before, your brothers didn't seem very interested in going up to the casket to say good bye to your great grandmother so I didn't push it.  Then, before we were leaving from the back of the room, Connor said to me "Hey Mom, there is a picture of Owen by my great grandmother.".  Sure enough I look up and someone had placed the mass card from your memorial mass in her casket.  I could not believe Connor noticed it from so far away.  He wanted to go up and look at it and did briefly.  I prayed while I was up there with him and asked Cecile to look after you in heaven until I join you one day.  This is the first person that had met you here on earth that is now with you in heaven.  I know your daddy and your uncle Matt spoke with her before she passed away and asked her to look after you.  I hope she is with you now, laughing and giggling away.

So I am sitting here right now, working from home because I have a massive cold.  I am trying to keep the office healthy since we are so busy.  Anyways, for the first time in months I hear someone mowing their lawn.  Again, the simple sound of a lawnmower just made me cry and yearn to have you here.  You were my spring baby.  We spent so many days walking around the neighborhoods, taking in the fresh air and sounds of spring.  We saw so many lawn services come and take care of people's lawns.  The sound reminds me that the time of year you were here last year is upon us.  We spent so many days outside, just you and me.  Remember the days I would put you in your exersauser or bouncy seat in the shade while I worked on the garden?  We would just enjoy the sunshine and sounds of spring.  The birds, the planes, the insects etc. I know Easter is approaching and you were with us last year for Easter.  I somehow thought this time of year would bring joy but instead I just miss you more.  I miss last year when I dressed my three boys up in their green St. Patrick's day shirts and took pictures of you all on the couch in the living room.  I am afraid to take a picture of your brothers this year without you.  I am afraid to face Easter without you.  I saw that the Lower Bucks St. Patrick's day parade is happening in two weekends.  I don't think I can bring myself to go.  Last year all 5 of us went to the parade.  Remember - it was SOOO cold out.  You slept most of the time in your stroller and then I carried you across my chest to keep you even warmer after you woke up. 

Last night as I was putting your brothers to bed, Liam grabbed hold of my phone and started to look at videos.  He found the video of you laughing with me on it that I took just a few days before your journey to heaven.  He played it over and over again.  I hope one day I can look at that video and not cry like I did last night.  Liam was SO happy looking at that video.  He just kept saying "Owen and Mommy laughing.  I miss Owen".  Owen, like I say to you every night, I don't even have the words to express how much I miss you.  Liam noticed how much I was crying and gave me one of his big bear hugs.  Then, as he was going to sleep, he came back into your daddy and I's bedroom and gave me "Owen's lovey".  This is the lovey your Nano and PopPop gave you when you were born.  Unfortunately you never got the chance to use it because I didn't give you lovies in your crib since you weren't old enough.  It has a baseball on it with a little blanket.  Since the day you went to heaven, Liam has become completely attached to your lovey.  As Liam handed me "Owen's lovey" he said "Mom, I think you should sleep with Owen's lovey tonight".  What a sweetheart.  I could NOT believe he let go of it.  He obviously saw how much I missed you and since that is his connection to you, he shared it with me to feel close to you.  I slept with that and your OWEN blanket next to me all night.

I can still hear your laugh when I sit her and think about it.  I hope that never fades.

I love you and miss you more than words could ever share.

Your one and only Mom