Where has the time gone? It's been 2.5 years to the day since I saw your beautiful smile. It feels like forever. I now view my life as before you died and after you died. Your sister is a spitting image of you, except with hazel eyes and a firecracker personality.
We should be prepping for your big three year old birthday party. Instead, we are trying to plan how we will celebrate your third birthday without you.
There are some days where I manage to smile most of the day. You have taught me to appreciate life, even the littlest of things. I now sit and play with your siblings without thinking of all the things I should get up and do. Though those times are often met with smiles, I often spark a tear in my eye wondering what it would be like with you here and having four children to play with. Would you and Reilly be best beds since you are closest in age or would you and your big brothers play Legos and hockey endlessly? Would you be sensitive like Connor or a jokester like Liam? Would you give away your treats to your siblings like Liam or would you hide them for yourself like Connor?
What I would give to know you and how you would be at 35 months old. 35 is a number I now hate. You died when I was 35 years old. 35 was the worst year of my life. 35. You should be 35 months old. Not forever 5 months.
Owen my heart broke the other night when your brothers came back from good grief with their wish boxes. I stayed home with Reilly because I was sick. They both showed me the beautiful boxes they created. They both had two simple wishes. 1 - you would come back to life and 2 - they could get a puppy.
I wish I could make their dreams come true. I wish my dreams would come true. For now I'll just have to settle on you living in my dreams. I haven't seen you in my dreams in so long. Probably because I barely sleep and don't dream. My heart is broken.
I love you more than ever. The snow falls and reminds me of your birth month. I wait for it to arrive with a pain that is oh so familiar.
I love you my sweet bear. Grief has no path, no boundaries and no end. Just an acceptance and a learning curve.
Your one and only mom
|Your siblings and your cousins over Christmas break. You should be in this picture. 6 Gerster cousins. Why why why God?|