Today, your little sister is officially twice the age you were when you went to Heaven. I can't believe it. The last few days have been difficult to say the least. Your dad and I were both a mess as she approached her 5 month birthday and I thought once I got past that point it wouldn't be as hard but unfortunately it is. It probably will be with every milestone.
She is growing out of being a baby and growing into being a toddler. I feel like her time as a baby was rushed because I was so eager for her to LIVE. I am so happy for her and she is simply a joy. Though, my heart continues to break for every first she has that you didn't get to have. She is sitting up, pulling up, cruising, saying Mama and Baba. I wonder what your voice would have sounded like? You had the most contagious laugh. Your brothers always ask me to "rank the babies". Who cried the most in the car in order? Liam, Connor, Reilly and then Owen. Who was the biggest baby? Reilly, Connor, Owen and then Liam. Who liked the bath the most? Owen, Connor, Reilly and then Liam. The lists go on and on. It breaks my heart though when they ask "Who said Dada the earliest" and I can't add you to the comparison.
I was just doing some online shopping for your siblings because they need some summer stuff and I came across a sale on signs for the home. You know the typical ones that say "Every family tree has a few nuts" or "Family is everything". Though, this sale also had a lot of ones geared towards having a loved one in heaven...
- When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure
- We know you would be here today if heaven wasn't so far away
- Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory
- Your life was a blessing, your memory a treasure, you are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure
- One of the best ways to have a little bit of heaven in your home, is to have someone you love in heaven
- Treasured in my heart you will stay until we meet again someday
- It broke our hearts to lose you but you didn't go alone. A part of us went with you, the day God took you home
Though I really believe all of these quotes, I am not sure I would ever hang them on a plaque in our house. I am balling just sitting here reading them. You know all of these phrases and I know part of my heart is with you in heaven.
Just this week a boy's mom Connor has become good friends with at his new school asked me if she could ask me a random question. She whispers over to me "Who is Owen?". I think the look on my face must have scared her. I said "He is our 3rd son, Connor's little brother who passed away almost 2 years ago at 5 months old". She was shocked. She said she had heard Connor talk about his brother Owen all the time and wanted to bring it up to me because she thought Connor had an imaginary friend/brother. I know she felt awful as we talked about your life but it also made me happy to know that Connor still talks about you all the time.
Liam still talks about you all the time too. The other night he went to bed and woke up crying an hour later. He just missed you he said. He was asking all about you in heaven and wondering if he built a super big spaceship if we could go visit you. If only we could.
Celebrating Reilly's 10 month birthday tonight we will be going as a family to Good Grief. http://www.good-grief.org/ We have been going to this support group for over a year now. It is geared to families that have lost a parent or sibling. It is a great way for Connor and Liam to meet others who have lost as deeply as they have. They have really formed a bond with two sisters, similar in ages, who also lost their brother and also recently had a new baby born into the family. I am thankful they have found friends to connect with and can grow with who understand their confusion and lost.
Owen, I miss you every second of every day. The other day I was listening to nursery rhymes with Reilly and You are My Sunshine came on, followed directly by Twinkle Twinkle. Those were the two good night songs I sang to you. I literally could not stand I was crying so hard. I just hugged your sister and dad and let it all out. I find that these days I am generally ok most of the week but I still have those uncontrollable crying sessions about once a week. I think and hope it's healthy to get all the pent up emotion out. All the times I have to answer during the week "How many kids do you have?" or when they see me with your siblings and say "Thank goodness you didn't have 3 boys because I hear 3 boys is crazy". F them. I have 3 boys and it was crazy but it was amazingly joyful. And I miss it every day. I thank God for blessing us with Reilly and allowing us to raise a daughter as well as sons but I still miss "my three sons".
As we approach Easter this weekend, may you rejoice in the hands of Jesus and know you are also celebrating with us here on Earth.
Love you to the moon and back.
Here is your "little" sister. She is getting so big. Your spirit lives on in her. I am sure of that.
Love,
Your one and only Mom
