Miss you!!!!

Dear Owen,

I am in a funk I can't get out of.  Maybe it's the holidays.  Maybe it's seeing everyone so happy with their families around.  I just want my family with four kids whole.  Just once.  This sucks.  May you be celebrating Jesus' birthday in good presence. 

Love you and miss you more than ever.

Love,

Your one and only mom 

Run to remember YOU

Dear Owen,

I have never been more proud of your father and you.  Your father for running the NYC marathon in your honor, raising over $5K for SIDS research.  You, for looking over him while he ran 26.2 miles, beside him the entire way, and while he recently experienced what he thought was a heart attack, again beside him the entire time.

I still can not watch your dad's fundraising video without crying...

Run to Remember video for Owen

Your dad's fundraising page with the CJ SIDS Foundation

Your dad felt great the entire marathon and I know it was because you were with him the whole way.  Thanks to all of you who donated to such a great cause.  Hopefully one day we know why SIDS happens and how we can PREVENT it because now, there is NO way to prevent it, only to reduce the risks.  There has actually been some recent research that was released in regards to abnormalities in the brain stem of SIDS babies.

Article on Boston Children's new SIDS study

A special thanks to those of you who joined us on race day in NYC.  It was a cold busy day but your support of Jim, Owen and all babies lost to SIDS was much appreciated.

I am so proud to be married to your dad, someone who devotes his life to his family.  He was like a machine running and I know that was because of you.  It's so hard to continue to live life without you here physically but it is events like this that we do to continue living in your honor that make it all bearable.  I could barely hold back the tears the entire day.

The tears continued a week later when your dad woke me up at 5am saying he thought he was having a heart attack.  I was so out of it and didn't believe what I had heard.  I told him to lay down and breathe and he did but then felt like he had to use the bathroom.  Unfortunately on the way into the bathroom, he collapsed and passed out, hitting his mouth on the tub during his fall.  Seeing the blood and half his teeth missing, I called 911 and your dad was taken by ambulance to the same hospital you were born in and the same hospital we took you to when we found you in your crib, sleeping like a true angel.  After a full day of monitoring, thank God and YOU, they didn't think your dad had a heart attack or a stroke.   He has a few follow ups to do but after a good deal of dental work, they think it was a combination of exhaustion, dehydration and anxiety that caused the pain in his chest and the fainting episode.

During this time that your dad thought he may be having a heart attack I really believe he thought he may be joining you in heaven.  I have never seen him so scared but I kept reminding him that whatever happened, we would be ok, he would be ok.  If it was his time to join you in heaven, he would be in the arms of God and finally hold you again in his arms. 

I guess God still feels that your dad has a job to do here on earth.  I guess we all do until we join you in heaven.  Thank you and thank God he is still with us and it was nothing serious other than a wake up call that we all need.  We need to take care of ourselves, mentally and physically, while we are still here on earth.  As painful as it is to grieve for you, we need to do it so it doesn't build up inside.

Thank you for giving me more time with your dad and protecting him every step of the way for he has many more steps to give for you, the rest of our family and many many more people on this earth before his time to join you in heaven comes.

I feel your presence in the nursery at home and I know your dad feels it all the time.  I know you are here with us protecting us, especially your dad and your baby sister.  Reilly reached a huge milestone this week.  She turned 5 months, 1 day old.  Thank you for watching over her, every second of every day.  I know she knows you and I sense your soul in her.

I love you more than you will ever know and miss you every second of every day.  Tomorrow your oldest brother turns 6.  How I wish you would be there at 21 months of age, smashing the cake in his face and running around crazy on a sugar high of cake and ice cream.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

She lives!

Dear Owen,

I can't help but quote a good baby loss friend.  She lives!

Happy 5 month birthday Reilly!

Thanks for looking over her last night Owen.

Love you more than ever.

Love,

Your one and only mom

Year 2: CJ Strides for Babies

Dear Owen,

I can't believe this has been our second year walking in your honor outside of NYC for SIDS.  This year we were joined by your heaven buddy Noah's family.  We all walked in your honor.  We are so thankful for the friends and family that came to walk in your honor and donated to the CJ Foundation in your honor.  Special shout out to my friend Alyson who I haven't seen since COLLEGE who came to walk with us. Alyson it was so great to see you and I was so touched by your presence.

Owen, I hope you and Noah are playing baseball in heaven or at least rolling a ball back and forth to each other.  I can't believe you have been gone over a year and I am sure I will say that EVERY day until we meet again. You are my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep at night.  I always blow a kiss to your picture and one to you in heaven before I close my eyes after I put your brothers and sister to sleep.

Next weekend your Daddy is running the NYC in your honor.  Please be with him every step of the way as I know it will be a tough day for him and all of us as we remember your sweet sweet spirit.  I know the sun will shine on all of us.

We all love and miss you so much. 

Love,
Your one and only mom

Back to the grind

Dear Owen,

So I did it.  I went back to work.  With Liam and Connor, I didn't go back to work or school until they were over 8 months old.  I was planning on staying home with you and your brothers instead of going to work.  All that changed when you went to be with Jesus on your 5 month birthday.  Reilly is a little over 4 months old.  I figured I should go back now so I am not sitting and waiting until the day she turns 5 months, 1 day - older than you lived here with us on earth.  It makes me sick to think you only lived with us for 5 months.  I have to remind myself that you are still part of us, just in a different way.

I can't get over how much Reilly looks like you, especially in the bath.  Here you are fighting off Connor's splashes.  I am getting sad because we are redoing our bathrooms and no longer will we have the tubs you bathed in :(

I have pictures of you up in my new office.  My old company relocated so I came to another company in the same industry in our same town.  I am working with one of my old coworkers but the rest of them are new.  Needless to say, I have been asked many times this week "how many kids do you have?" or people have some to my office and asked about the pictures in it.  A lot of them have asked if I have two boys and a girl because they see the pictures of you and your brothers and assume that is Reilly too since they also see pictures of her.  I have told all of them no, I have three boys and one girl but my youngest boy passed away.  It has been so difficult.  This is our new story and I so wish it wasn't.  I wish I could say, yes, I have 4 kids - 5, 3, 1 and 4 months and smile with pure joy.  Instead I cringe inside and silently weep that you are no longer with us.

We decided to hire a nanny instead of putting Reilly in daycare.  At least that is all working out great.  Our nanny is so loving to all of our children and she also knew you Owen so I know you are still a daily part of all of our lives.

I will forever have a picture of you in my office, in my wallet, on my phone, in my heart and you will forever be my youngest boy.  You earned your wings way to early but I guess that is proof that you are a pure angel. 

I love you more than words could ever say.  No day gets easier.  To all the other grieving parents out there, I hate to tell you that but it's true.  It just changes as time passes but unfortunately my heart will never heal.  Thanks to all the other grieving mothers, family and friends that get me through each day.

Love you to heaven and back.

Love,
Your one and only mom

Here you are laying next to your Dad who was passed out.  Lazy Dad :)

Worst breakdown in a year

Dear Owen,

Well, it happened.  I had the worst breakdown I have had in a year today, as I was bathing your little sister.  I literally couldn't move and the tears were rolling off my face onto hers like bath water.

After celebrating her baptism this weekend and then doing a SIDS walk in your honor on Sunday, it was more than I could handle.  Today is also National Infant Loss day and you were on my mind all day.  I guess that is no different than any other day.  Wow, I am so hurt and my heart just aches.  I know my life is so full as I have four beautiful children, a house, a family etc but I am just sad that one of my beautiful children is in the hands of God. 

Owen, you really are an angel and I know you are looking out for us and I know I will see you again one day.

Love you to heaven and back.  Tonight we all lit a candle in your and other's infants honors and sat as a family and remembered your kind spirit.  I can't wait to hold you again one day.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Liam and Reilly hanging out.  Liam misses you like no tomorrow. He has cried for you every day for the past week.

Let it be

Dear Owen,

Did you ever know let it be was written by Paul McCartney about his mom who died when he was 14?  Well when Paul was struggling in life he had a dream that his mom visited him and told him to let it be.  Life would be ok.  Well it turned out to be after.  He met Linda, settled down etc.  Let it be.  Can I do that?

I sure don't feel like life will be ok right now.  Every day and every moment has been a struggle lately.  As much as reilly and your older brothers are a joy, my heart aches all the time.  All the time.  I have to tell myself to let it be.  I know you are with me and I have to trust in god.

Your photo was just featured in Parent magazines November 2013 edition about SIDS.  I'm extrmely angry at the article but I loved seeing your smiling face. We did everything to prevent Sids and you still died.  I wish the article focused on how we don't know why SIDS happens and those sleep ways help reduce the risk but some babies like you die even if you do everything right.  We need fundraising to figure out why perfectly healthy babies just stop breathing.

Let it be.  I just have to do that now.  Let it be.

Parents magazine spread

Your rainbow sister is helping me on a daily basis

Love you to heaven and back.

Love,

Your one and only Mom