Happy 10 Month Birthday Reilly!

Dear Owen,

Today, your little sister is officially twice the age you were when you went to Heaven.  I can't believe it.  The last few days have been difficult to say the least.  Your dad and I were both a mess as she approached her 5 month birthday and I thought once I got past that point it wouldn't be as hard but unfortunately it is.  It probably will be with every milestone.

She is growing out of being a baby and growing into being a toddler.  I feel like her time as a baby was rushed because I was so eager for her to LIVE.  I am so happy for her and she is simply a joy.  Though, my heart continues to break for every first she has that you didn't get to have.  She is sitting up, pulling up, cruising, saying Mama and Baba.  I wonder what your voice would have sounded like?  You had the most contagious laugh.  Your brothers always ask me to "rank the babies".  Who cried the most in the car in order?  Liam, Connor, Reilly and then Owen.  Who was the biggest baby?  Reilly, Connor, Owen and then Liam.  Who liked the bath the most?  Owen, Connor, Reilly and then Liam.  The lists go on and on.  It breaks my heart though when they ask "Who said Dada the earliest" and I can't add you to the comparison.

I was just doing some online shopping for your siblings because they need some summer stuff and I came across a sale on signs for the home.  You know the typical ones that say "Every family tree has a few nuts" or "Family is everything".  Though, this sale also had a lot of ones geared towards having a loved one in heaven...

- When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure
- We know you would be here today if heaven wasn't so far away
- Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory
- Your life was a blessing, your memory a treasure, you are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure
- One of the best ways to have a little bit of heaven in your home, is to have someone you love in heaven
- Treasured in my heart you will stay until we meet again someday
- It broke our hearts to lose you but you didn't go alone.  A part of us went with you, the day God took you home

Though I really believe all of these quotes, I am not sure I would ever hang them on a plaque in our house.  I am balling just sitting here reading them.  You know all of these phrases and I know part of my heart is with you in heaven.

Just this week a boy's mom Connor has become good friends with at his new school asked me if she could ask me a random question.  She whispers over to me "Who is Owen?".  I think the look on my face must have scared her.  I said "He is our 3rd son, Connor's little brother who passed away almost 2 years ago at 5 months old".  She was shocked.  She said she had heard Connor talk about his brother Owen all the time and wanted to bring it up to me because she thought Connor had an imaginary friend/brother.  I know she felt awful as we talked about your life but it also made me happy to know that Connor still talks about you all the time.

Liam still talks about you all the time too.  The other night he went to bed and woke up crying an hour later.  He just missed you he said.  He was asking all about you in heaven and wondering if he built a super big spaceship if we could go visit you.  If only we could.

Celebrating Reilly's 10 month birthday tonight we will be going as a family to Good Grief.  http://www.good-grief.org/  We have been going to this support group for over a year now.  It is geared to families that have lost a parent or sibling.  It is a great way for Connor and Liam to meet others who have lost as deeply as they have.  They have really formed a bond with two sisters, similar in ages, who also lost their brother and also recently had a new baby born into the family.  I am thankful they have found friends to connect with and can grow with who understand their confusion and lost.

Owen, I miss you every second of every day.  The other day I was listening to nursery rhymes with Reilly and You are My Sunshine came on, followed directly by Twinkle Twinkle.  Those were the two good night songs I sang to you. I literally could not stand I was crying so hard.  I just hugged your sister and dad and let it all out.  I find that these days I am generally ok most of the week but I still have those uncontrollable crying sessions about once a week.  I think and hope it's healthy to get all the pent up emotion out.  All the times I have to answer during the week "How many kids do you have?" or when they see me with your siblings and say "Thank goodness you didn't have 3 boys because I hear 3 boys is crazy".  F them.  I have 3 boys and it was crazy but it was amazingly joyful.  And I miss it every day.  I thank God for blessing us with Reilly and allowing us to raise a daughter as well as sons but I still miss "my three sons".

As we approach Easter this weekend, may you rejoice in the hands of Jesus and know you are also celebrating with us here on Earth.

Love you to the moon and back.

Here is your "little" sister.  She is getting so big.  Your spirit lives on in her. I am sure of that.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Never gets any easier but your smile gets me through

Dear Owen,

Another 12th of the month passes without you here. Today you would have been 25 months old. Yes sounds weird but basically 2 years, 1 month. Instead, you aren't here and I have to spend another 12th of the month lighting your candle and staring at photos of your beautiful smile.  You had the most infectious smile. Once you learned to smile, we always saw it.

Your sister is much more serious than you.  To get her to smile it usually takes your brothers doing something silly.  She's a thinker but also very rough and tumble.  Some people say she has an old soul.  Is that you living on in her?

Last night I had a total break down because I feel like I'm not doing enough to honor your life and memory.  I'm still your mother and always will be and it pains me that I don't spend as much time "doing things" for you as I do for your siblings.  I know I'm being very hard on myself considering everything going on in our lives but it's no excuse.  I promise to try and honor you every day.  If I can't do it in a grandiose way, ill do it on a smaller scale EVERY day. Whether it's stopping to smell the roses, enjoying the beauty of nature, enjoying the laughter of your siblings "wrestling" with Reilly saying they are "protecting the queen" or simply taking 5 minutes in the morning to pray to God for what I DO have and thanking Him for protecting you in heaven while I am still here on earth.  I always tell new SIDS parents I meet (I hate that I meet them so often because it means another baby died of unknown reasons) to be gentle on themselves.  The ironic thing is I stopped being gentle on myself a few weeks after you died.  I still continue to question WHY I couldn't protect you though I KNOW there is no stopping SIDS. I still beat myself up for not starting an annual fundraiser in your honor to start building your park.  The honest truth is I am barely holding it all together and I am just STILL doing the minimum just to function.  Holding down a full time job while being a parent and wife is all I can really fester these days. I just have to be gentle on myself though and know that in time, I will gather the strength to do it all.  

Owen I think about you every day.  We all think about you every day.  Connor woke up last night at 10pm crying which he never does! We asked what was wrong and he simply said "I miss my little brother".  We have struggled with a few behavioral things with him lately and this simple statement reminded me that he has been through more than any young child should ever have to go through.  He has seen his brother being wisked out of the house lifeless and then being buried. This is too much for even me a grown adult to take so I can't imagine how much it is for him to absorb.  As he grows older and learns more about the truths of life, his grieving for Owen will evolve too and we have to continue to nurture his feelings.  The other day they did a project at his enrichment program where they had to write how many people they had in their family.  I could see that Connor had written 6 and then erased it and put 5.  I asked him about his project and he said his teacher told him after he wrote 6 (and she knows all about you Owen) that if he didn't want to write 6 he could write 5.  I was so livid! Who is this women to question what a 6 year old writes about his family! Owen I'm glad God granted me the patience to not go off on this woman!!! I shead a lot of tears over this but realized she has no clue what it is like to loose a child so I shouldn't punish her.  

I am happy to report that Liam seems to be doing really well. I think going to a catholic school has been great for him.  He has a connection with heaven and you.  I think he is at peace knowing up are in the hands of God and other loved ones we know that have passed.

Your little sister is growing up so fast and as exciting and beautiful as it is, it often pains me because I missed all these firsts with you. She commando crawls everywhere and I just have passing visions of what it would be like to have a toddler running around with this commando crawler.  

Owen you have shaped my life and your smile lights up my heart anytime I am overwhelmed with grief.  I know you are smiling down on us and I know I will see you again.

All my love!!!!!

Love,

Your one and only mom

This melts my heart every time

Dear Owen,

We watched your video again yesterday.  I loose it every single time!

Owen Michael O'Brien Video

I hate that this is all we have left of you.  Though, I am so happy we have so many photos and memories.

Love you more than ever.

Love,
Your one and only mom

Happy 2nd birthday

Dear Owen,

I can't believe it's been 2 years since you were born.  I still remember the exact moments of the day and how I kept thinking I wasn't in labor and sure enough, I was and you were born less than an hour after I arrived at the hospital.  I remember thinking you were the cutest newborn ever.  You were perfect.  8 lbs 1 oz, in between the two weights of your older brothers.  You are perfect. You just aren't here.  That is not perfect.

Today was extremely hard.  Yesterday driving home from work realizing that I was done with work and now had I gave your birthday, I lost it.  Bad. Real bad.  Last night I cried like it was yesterday that you left us for heaven.  I am so angry at God. I try and think God is great and he helps the sorrowful etc but I'm angry.  Why are you not here with us blowing out two candles?! 

Today we spent the day as a family.  We took your three siblings to their biannual cardiologist check up. The cardiologist we take them too is pretty far away so we chose to do it today in honor of you.  If only we had seen him when you were here, would you be here? Argh.  All the what ifs.  

We then took the family to the please touch museum in Philly.  I remember it like it was yesterday, taking you and your older brothers there for the first time all by myself.  I was so proud of taking all three of you into the city there on my own.  You were great.  Your oldest brother, not so much! The museum is huge and he ran off into another room.  He was lost for 5 minutes or so while I panicked freakig out.  I remember telling him to never do that again because I don't know what I would do if I lost one of my boys for good.  Well, here I am now.  Lost without you here.  Your second oldest brother decided to pull the same thing today while we were there.  It was really déjà vu.  

It was hard to have your birthday with Reilly here.  She is such a joy and I love her to pieces just like I love you and your brothers.  I am just so broken seeing her grow and age and have you not here.  I know she knows you.  Every night when we turn out the lights we say goodnight to your picture in he nursery.  No lie, every time we say goodnight to your picture she lights up with smiles.  She could be screaming her was off from exhaustion but once she sees your face and heard your name she smiles an grabs for the frame. 

Owen my heart is broken.  You are so loved and so missed.  Happy 2nd birthday.  I have visions of you blowing out candles in heaven.  What do cakes taste like up there? We made you a carrot cake this year.  Last year the boys thought you would like a strawberry cake so we made that. I guess they think you like vegetable or fruit cakes.  I wish we had had the chance to know what you liked. 

We sent lanterns up to heaven tonight at the cemetary. One went straight to heaven.  The other got caught in a tree :/  I hope you feel our love every day.  We all miss you and I can't wait till I can celebrate your birthday in heaven with you.  Watch out because ill give you more cuddles and kisses than you could ever imagine to make up for all these birthdays where all I could so is blow you kisses in heaven.  

Happy birthday sweet bear.  

Love,

Your one and only mom 

Twins

Dear Owen,

Need I say more?

I see so much of you in her.  Your pudgy cheeks, your soft lips, your big round eyes, your flowing locks (though I think she has you beat there!).  I will forever look at her and miss you but I do realize she has helped us as a family move forward.  I wouldn't say we are healed but she has helped lessen the wound. 

She has a connection with you.  Every night when we go to turn out the lights in the nursery she reaches for your picture that is right there.  We say goodnight to you and she just lights up.  I honestly feel like I gave birth to twins 15 months apart.  She has a connection to you like twins have with each other. 

I love you both to pieces and couldn't imagine my life without either one of you.  You both have shaped my life more than you will ever know. 

We all miss you but your spirit and love lives on.

Love,
Your one and only mom

1.5 years too long

Dear Owen,

It never gets easier. Today was soooo sooo rough. Reilly fought sleep today just like you did your last day here on earth with us.  Watch over her tonight.

You should be turning 2 in a month. I hate this. I want you here.  

I love you.  More than ever.

Love,

Your one and only mom

The guilt, oh the guilt

Dear Owen,

We just returned from a long trip away for the holidays.  Unfortunately before we left things were crazy and we never managed to make it to your resting place to decorate for Christmas.  This broke my heart.  How can I not dedicate an hour or two to get a little tree like we did last year and decorate it?  I feel so guilty and I am so sorry.  Please know you were with us every moment of this holiday season and I know you were celebrating Jesus' birthday in the best place possible. I have to remind myself so the guilt doesn't eat me up.  Please please forgive me.  I know life has been crazy for us with your little sister, my work etc.  but it's no excuse. 

Traveling out of state for the holidays was really tough. I missed not visiting your resting place on Christmas.  We lit your candle and had it lit all day, reminding us all that you were there with us.  It was so hard to take the cousin picture in front of the tree with only 5 cousins in the photo.  You should have been there with us.  Every moment felt incomplete and I was constantly reminded that there was a big gap.  Connor and Liam play so well with their two older cousins.  Reilly was always left out though because she is so much younger.  I couldn't help but think you and her would be best buds and would gang up on the older ones.  She has such a personality and I wish I got the chance to know yours better.  I wish I had the chance to see you grab and stare at the Christmas tree lights for hours on end in pure awe of their beauty.  I wish I had the chance to see you meet Santa for the first time as Reilly did this year...wondering what hides behind the big white beard?  I wish I had the chance to see you now, a roaring 22 month old, sticking your fingers in Liam's 4th birthday cake and liking them in delight. All of these big milestones that bring so much joy to our family now also bring so much pain and wonder.  Why?  Why did God take you from us?  I was not ready to say goodbye.

Speaking of not being ready to say goodbye, our trip out of town was made longer because of an unexpected loss.  Your great uncle Larry passed away suddenly 3 days before Christmas.  Though he had cancer, he had been doing very well.  Unfortunately he came down with pneumonia and though they thought it was being treated, he suddenly passed away, leaving most of the family no time to say goodbye.  He was a great uncle to your father and I know he misses him dearly.  Not being able to say goodbye is such a hard thing to deal with.  Though, I often wonder if I had time to say goodbye to you would it have been any easier?  I know friends who have lost their children to cancer and that breaks my heart thinking of knowing that you are going to loose your child.  I don't know if I could say which one is easier.  I feel like I am still suffering from PTSD since I found you lifeless and am still in shock telling myself you are really gone.  Sometimes I feel like one morning I am finally going to wake up from this nightmare and you will be right next to me, telling me you have been there all the time.  I know you are still with me, you will always be with me.  I hope you were able to greet your great uncle Larry as he joined you in God's resting place and I hope he is able to bring you comfort and love. 

Please help your father and I in looking after your two older brothers.  The poor little guys have had to go to three funerals of loved ones in just over a year.  I hate the fact that I know they have had to walk up and see their loved ones bodies in a casket.  I can't imagine all the questions that go on in their heads.  I hate that they do not have the sense of security I had as a young child.  I didn't have to experience the death of a loved one up close and personal until I lost your great grandmother in middle school.  At least by then, I was able to process it all. I feel guilty that I can't protect your brothers and I couldn't protect you.  I have to remind myself though that God is protecting us all and maybe one day we will all know why life works out the way it does.

Sweet bear, I hope you had the merriest of Christmases up in heaven and I hope you have the happiest of new years.  We are laying low tonight because as you know, your sister has been very sick.  Up with coughing and fevers for 5 nights now.  I know you have been there with us in the darkest hours of exhaustion.  Thinking of you reminds me to appreciate even these tough times because you never know when your time with a loved one will end. 

I vow to start 2014 without the guilt and vow to dedicate more time to starting your foundation and helping other families grieving from the loss of a child.  You are my angel sweet bear and I love you more than you ever know. As the days pass I feel like I am forgetting your sweet smile.  I look at the pictures of you all around our house and wonder if it was a dream that you were actually here with us.  I wish this wasn't the case.  I wish you were here to cuddle, hold and love in flesh and blood but for now, until we meet again, I will have to hold your sweet memories in my heart and take a deep breath and breathe in knowing you are always with me.

I hold you in my heart since I can't hold you like this anymore. I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart.

Happy new year Owen.  My sweet sweet boy.

Love,
Your one and only mom