It finally happened

Dear Owen,

I guess it took till your oldest brother was 5 but he finally asked me the question tonight that I have been dreading. Your daddy is away on a business trip. After I put your brothers to bed, Connor, who normally falls straight to sleep came running out and asked when dad was coming back. I told him tomorrow and he started crying. He asked "how can you guarantee he will come back when Owen never came back?" I had no real answer. I just told him that you died because your heart stopped beating and we don't know why. Connor kept asking why you died :( I wish I knew an answer other than "I don't know why" and I wish I could help him understand that just because your dad is away on a trip doesn't mean he won't come back. It must be so confusing to him. He was so scared. I cried along with him and then Liam joined us too. I wish we knew why sudden unexplained infant death happens. Maybe one day. I just don't get why you stopped breathing on your back with nothing around you!!!

I miss you sweet bear! At least Liam came out after I finally settled them into bed again NAKED saying he didn't like his pjs and wanted new ones. I had to laugh. I miss your chubby legs and belly. I miss everything.

Ill see you in my dreams tonight.

Love,

Your one and only mom

Happy thanksgiving and happy 5th birthday Connor

Dear Owen,

I'm sad. Last thanksgiving you were warm in my belly. I miss you. We are in Arkansas at your cousins house. It was also your brother Connors 5th birthday and your uncles. It was also your great grandfathers so hopefully you both are celebrating in heaven. I so wish you were here with us. We lit the candle we gave your aunt from you but that didn't make up for you not being here. I had to hide it as I cried many times. You are so deeply missed but I'm thankful for the 5 months I had with you. I'm thankful that Connor is 5 and for the 5 years I have had with him. I wish I had 5 years with you. I'd even take 5 more days.

I love you more than ever and I'm thankful for all that have helped me up since my sweet Owen went to heaven.

Love your one and only,
Mom

Memorial mass for all children lost too soon

Dear Owen,

Just wanted to say thank you for praying for us. The mass at St. Ignatius tonight reminded us that you are a saint and you are now in God's hands and praying for us.

It also reminded us to cherish the time we had with you and know that we will meet you again one day when our journey here is done. We met some nice families tonight who lost children also. Everyone commented on how you were the cutest baby! Liam and Connor placed your photos near a burning yellow candle at the alter because yellow and suns remind them of you.

They recreated the scene here at home with the candles we received at mass, the rose we were handed and your photos. We all miss you and love you to the moon and back.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

4 Months My Sweet Bear

Dear Owen,

Sorry I haven't kept up with writing you lately.  It doesn't mean that you weren't on my mind and in my heart every moment of every day.  Life has been crazy this past month or so. 

It's been 4 months since you left this world.  I can't believe it.  1 more month and you will have been gone the same amount of time you were here with us.  Well, if you talk about since your birth.  I know you were with me for the 9 months prior to your birth.  I wish I could go back in time and still have you inside me so I could protect you.  I miss you like no other Owen, I will never be able to describe how empty my heart is without you here.  I know you are still with us in spirit though.  There are signs.

I hope you felt the love on Sunday, October 14th as we walked for the first time at the CJ Strides for Babies event in Jersey City.  It was extremely difficult for your father and I and other people to be there because it made your trip to heaven that much more real.  I think I was still in denial but when I looked up and saw your BEAUTIFUL smiling face on a poster with your name and dates on it, I lost it.  I didn't want to believe it.  How how how could such a beautiful, healthy boy like you just stop breathing?  I just don't get it.  I was honored that we could walk to help raise money for the CJ Foundation because they have been very helpful in helping us cope after losing you.  They have dealt with the medical examiner's office and following up on things.  They have connected us with other families that have lost angels too.

 

Though the weather looked grim on the ride up to Jersey City, it didn't rain and it actually turned out to be a really nice day.  I guess it helps when you have an angel in heaven looking down on you - thank you Owen :)  Connor loved writing your name on the back of everyone's t-shirts which showed who we were walking in honor of.  He was very proud.  Him and Liam were also excited to see your face on the poster.  I know they didn't understand why it was on there but they were just proud and said "Look, it's Owen, my brother, he is so cute!".  The Foundation made up pins with your picture on it as well and we all wore them with honor.  I now have mine attached to my sun visor in the car so every time I get in, I can look up and think of you.  You are my guardian angel.

So your dad and I had this weird revelation the other day.   I know you know about the name dilemma we had with you but not sure we have told many other people.  Before you were born, we could not decide on your name.  I really wanted Jude but your dad didn't want that because Jude is one of the apostles who is invoked in prayer when a situation seems hopeless.  After your dad saw the physical pain I went through with you and our natural birth together, he told me that I could name you Jude.  We decided to sleep on it the first night and when I was up feeding you throughout the night, I called you Jude.  When your dad woke up in the morning, he told me after much thought, he didn't think Jude fit you because you were NOT a hopeless cause.  You were a strong, big, healthy baby!  The funny thing was that we had run all of the names by Liam and Connor before you were born.  After we named you Owen and brought you home, Liam kept calling you Jude for weeks after you arrived home.   Owen, do you think he knew?  I always sensed and still do that Liam has a special bond with you.  He kisses your picture goodnight every night and hugs it close to his heart.  It is so adorable and makes me cry every night.  Maybe Liam knew your fate the whole time when the rest of us didn't?  We don't regret naming you Owen because you were an Owen, a little warrior who took your trip to heaven before any of us did.  I miss you my sweet bear.  Here is Liam talking to you when you arrived home from the hospital on Valentine's day, my little sweet valentine.  Your hair was amazing!!!

Yesterday on your 4 month anniversary, your father and I planted a little Xmas tree at your grave site.  I hope you like it.  We are worried that since your stone won't be ready until after winter, we won't be able to find your resting place if it snows a lot.  Your brothers are so excited to decorate it for Xmas next month. 

We also took a hike as a family this weekend and I thought about the hikes we took with you this summer as a family.  Your dad would always walk with your brothers while I carried you against my chest in the ergo carrier.  I so missed your warmth on Sunday.  Glad you were able to pull some strings in Heaven and give us warm weather on Sunday and yesterday though.  As we approached the end of our hike, I was getting warm and took off my sweater.  As I looked down onto my shirt, there against my chest sat a little ladybug.  A sign.  We had not seen any bugs along the hike and I haven't seen any outside for weeks since it got cold a few weeks ago.  Where did this lady bug appear from?  Did you send it?  I stopped Liam and asked him if he wanted to hold the ladybug.  He screamed with excitement.  I went to pick it up and as I transferred to to his hand, it was gone.  It simply vanished.  I thank you for giving me a sign that you are still with us. 

Tonight our church is holding a mass for all parents who have lost a child.  We will light a candle in your honor like we always do.  We look forward to connecting with other families that have shared similar losses. 

I cherish the 5 months we had with you here on earth and I wish wish wish I could have made them longer.  I can't believe we are approaching 12/12/12.  It seems like an eternity since I have held your sweet soul and kissed your pudgy cheeks.  I dream of the day I can hold you again.  I just hope as time passes, I can remember the good times we had because my mind is still clouded with our final moments together.  Just never ever forget how much I love you.  We all loved you.  You completed our family sweet Owen.

 

 

I will see you in my dreams tonight.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

If "Happy Ever After" did exist, I would still be holding you like this

Dear Owen,

The title of this letter is a pop song that is always on the radio now. I know it's a sappy love song but it perfectly captures how I feel. If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this. My arms are empty and they ache to hold you. I see people holding babies around 6 months of age and I have to turn away because I just want to scream! Why why why!

I just had to spend the past 5 days in Arkansas presenting and preparing for various Walmart meetings. Though I was able to stay with your tante Thea, uncle Eric and your cousins, it pained me to be that far from your resting place, your dad and your brothers. It is still so hard for me to be social and pretend that life goes on. I'm so envious of others who haven't experienced the profound loss of losing a child. I hate that I feel that way but it is the truth. I know you dying gave me the gift to appreciate every moment and every second with your loved ones but I just can't live that every day because I am still struggling in a very dark place. I am finding it hard to trust and have faith in God and to live life like I'm doing fine because I'm not. I still think about you 24/7 even if I'm busy with work or hanging out with people. I am trying to figure out how I can be mother here on earth to your brothers and a mother to you I'm heaven. Nothing is easy. I cried every night not being able to see all your pictures around me, cuddle with your Owen blanket, and kiss your brothers goodnight. Though I'm thankful I got to see your cousins.

It's amazing the physical bond I had with you...The bond that all mothers have with their babies. The weeks after you passed were the worst as I ached to hold you and my physical body ached not being able to provide you the nutrition I had been for 9 months in the womb and 5 months outside.

I will never forget the way you smelled, the way your soft skin felt against mine and the way it felt to have your head resting on my right shoulder.

The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing you are now being held in the arms of Jesus and all of our live ones that have gone on their journey to heaven. To Jesus and all of our loved ones, hold tight to my sweet Owen until I can hold him again.

I guess our happy ever after doesn't exist. What a rough road it's been. I hope you have your happy ever after in heaven Owen. That's all I am pray for.

I love you more than ever Owen.

Love,
Your one and only mom

St. Michael Warrior from Heaven

Dear Owen,

It's another day I dread more than others.  The 12th of the month.  It has been 3 months since I last held your chubby, cuddly body warm and alive and it has been 8 months since we welcomed you into this world and I held and kissed you for the first time.  I hate the number 12 now because I know it is a day that I am going to have more than one or two meltdowns.  It is a day I am going to have more like 12.  5 months was not enough time to give you all the love I wanted to give you.  I give you love everyday and I hope you feel it from heaven.

The other day, I learned that St. Michael is known as the Warrior from Heaven.  How appropriate since Owen means Little Warrior.  We named you Michael after my grandfather and your aunt Michelle.  Little did we know you would live out your name and be a true warrior both here on earth and in heaven.  St. Michael is the protector of people and I know you are now the protector of our family both in heaven and here on earth. 

Traditionally Michael (whose name means “one who is like God”) is known as a divine messenger, a protector of the faithful, the angel who guides our souls upon death.

Owen, you must have known how scared of death I once was because now that you have left us here on earth, I am no longer scared of death because I know you will guide my soul to heaven when my day comes. 

This sunday we are participating in our first SIDS event, the CJ Strides for Babies, in Jersey City, NJ.  We didn't invite too many people because I just don't know how I am going to react being at an event where they memorialize you.  I pray that God gives us the strength to honor your memory and share a laugh or two along the way because while you were here on earth you sure granted us many smiles and laughs. 

Tonight we will be visiting your grave and then celebrating your life as we always do on the 12th.  I guess it's not like any other day though because I miss you every hour of every day.

This morning Connor was playing legos while he waited for Liam to wake up so they could go to school.  I noticed he was singing "You Are My Sunshine" in his rocktone sort of way.  He had just moved the marker on our Halloween "Advent" calendar to 12.  I asked him what he was doing and he said "Singing Owen's song to him because it's his birthday today - 12".  Wow.  The other night when your dad was away your brothers and I spent time going through all of your pictures and remembering the good times.  Liam LOVED to remember the time that you, Connor and your Dad all got into the big tub and took a super bubble bath all together "just the boys" he said.  They miss you more than ever and so do your Dad and I.

I look forward to honoring your memory this weekend and meeting a few of the people that have helped me since July 12th. 

I love you and miss you.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Changing seasons

Dear Owen,

We have had a beautiful fall here so far. The mums we planted at your gravesite have come in. I went to visit you at lunchtime on monday and it was nice to see all the flowers in bloom.

It sucks that you never got to experience fall. I was so looking forward to dressing you in the pumpkin costume we have though on your track you probably would have been to big for it!!! I know every first this year will be hard but the fall and winter especially with all the holidays.

This weekend we had the Dowells and McCranns visit which was very nice. I was comforted to know I could be myself around them and talk about you. Though it was hard because 1) they both have three kids 2) one is 4 month old and 3) one is named Owen. It was so nice to have old friends here though and the boys loved all the visitors. We went to a pumpkin patch and Liam picked out a pumpkin for you. Last night he painted it for you.

Somehow I have come down with pneumonia now. I feel awful and the physical pain is not what I needed since I already have all of this emotional pain. I am just thankful that the boys don't have it yet and I hope they don't. I guess it helps to have a guardian angel (you!) looking after them.

Missing you more and more each day.

Love,
Your one and only mom