Twins

Dear Owen,

Need I say more?

I see so much of you in her.  Your pudgy cheeks, your soft lips, your big round eyes, your flowing locks (though I think she has you beat there!).  I will forever look at her and miss you but I do realize she has helped us as a family move forward.  I wouldn't say we are healed but she has helped lessen the wound. 

She has a connection with you.  Every night when we go to turn out the lights in the nursery she reaches for your picture that is right there.  We say goodnight to you and she just lights up.  I honestly feel like I gave birth to twins 15 months apart.  She has a connection to you like twins have with each other. 

I love you both to pieces and couldn't imagine my life without either one of you.  You both have shaped my life more than you will ever know. 

We all miss you but your spirit and love lives on.

Love,
Your one and only mom

1.5 years too long

Dear Owen,

It never gets easier. Today was soooo sooo rough. Reilly fought sleep today just like you did your last day here on earth with us.  Watch over her tonight.

You should be turning 2 in a month. I hate this. I want you here.  

I love you.  More than ever.

Love,

Your one and only mom

The guilt, oh the guilt

Dear Owen,

We just returned from a long trip away for the holidays.  Unfortunately before we left things were crazy and we never managed to make it to your resting place to decorate for Christmas.  This broke my heart.  How can I not dedicate an hour or two to get a little tree like we did last year and decorate it?  I feel so guilty and I am so sorry.  Please know you were with us every moment of this holiday season and I know you were celebrating Jesus' birthday in the best place possible. I have to remind myself so the guilt doesn't eat me up.  Please please forgive me.  I know life has been crazy for us with your little sister, my work etc.  but it's no excuse. 

Traveling out of state for the holidays was really tough. I missed not visiting your resting place on Christmas.  We lit your candle and had it lit all day, reminding us all that you were there with us.  It was so hard to take the cousin picture in front of the tree with only 5 cousins in the photo.  You should have been there with us.  Every moment felt incomplete and I was constantly reminded that there was a big gap.  Connor and Liam play so well with their two older cousins.  Reilly was always left out though because she is so much younger.  I couldn't help but think you and her would be best buds and would gang up on the older ones.  She has such a personality and I wish I got the chance to know yours better.  I wish I had the chance to see you grab and stare at the Christmas tree lights for hours on end in pure awe of their beauty.  I wish I had the chance to see you meet Santa for the first time as Reilly did this year...wondering what hides behind the big white beard?  I wish I had the chance to see you now, a roaring 22 month old, sticking your fingers in Liam's 4th birthday cake and liking them in delight. All of these big milestones that bring so much joy to our family now also bring so much pain and wonder.  Why?  Why did God take you from us?  I was not ready to say goodbye.

Speaking of not being ready to say goodbye, our trip out of town was made longer because of an unexpected loss.  Your great uncle Larry passed away suddenly 3 days before Christmas.  Though he had cancer, he had been doing very well.  Unfortunately he came down with pneumonia and though they thought it was being treated, he suddenly passed away, leaving most of the family no time to say goodbye.  He was a great uncle to your father and I know he misses him dearly.  Not being able to say goodbye is such a hard thing to deal with.  Though, I often wonder if I had time to say goodbye to you would it have been any easier?  I know friends who have lost their children to cancer and that breaks my heart thinking of knowing that you are going to loose your child.  I don't know if I could say which one is easier.  I feel like I am still suffering from PTSD since I found you lifeless and am still in shock telling myself you are really gone.  Sometimes I feel like one morning I am finally going to wake up from this nightmare and you will be right next to me, telling me you have been there all the time.  I know you are still with me, you will always be with me.  I hope you were able to greet your great uncle Larry as he joined you in God's resting place and I hope he is able to bring you comfort and love. 

Please help your father and I in looking after your two older brothers.  The poor little guys have had to go to three funerals of loved ones in just over a year.  I hate the fact that I know they have had to walk up and see their loved ones bodies in a casket.  I can't imagine all the questions that go on in their heads.  I hate that they do not have the sense of security I had as a young child.  I didn't have to experience the death of a loved one up close and personal until I lost your great grandmother in middle school.  At least by then, I was able to process it all. I feel guilty that I can't protect your brothers and I couldn't protect you.  I have to remind myself though that God is protecting us all and maybe one day we will all know why life works out the way it does.

Sweet bear, I hope you had the merriest of Christmases up in heaven and I hope you have the happiest of new years.  We are laying low tonight because as you know, your sister has been very sick.  Up with coughing and fevers for 5 nights now.  I know you have been there with us in the darkest hours of exhaustion.  Thinking of you reminds me to appreciate even these tough times because you never know when your time with a loved one will end. 

I vow to start 2014 without the guilt and vow to dedicate more time to starting your foundation and helping other families grieving from the loss of a child.  You are my angel sweet bear and I love you more than you ever know. As the days pass I feel like I am forgetting your sweet smile.  I look at the pictures of you all around our house and wonder if it was a dream that you were actually here with us.  I wish this wasn't the case.  I wish you were here to cuddle, hold and love in flesh and blood but for now, until we meet again, I will have to hold your sweet memories in my heart and take a deep breath and breathe in knowing you are always with me.

I hold you in my heart since I can't hold you like this anymore. I carry your heart with me.  I carry it in my heart.

Happy new year Owen.  My sweet sweet boy.

Love,
Your one and only mom

Miss you!!!!

Dear Owen,

I am in a funk I can't get out of.  Maybe it's the holidays.  Maybe it's seeing everyone so happy with their families around.  I just want my family with four kids whole.  Just once.  This sucks.  May you be celebrating Jesus' birthday in good presence. 

Love you and miss you more than ever.

Love,

Your one and only mom 

Run to remember YOU

Dear Owen,

I have never been more proud of your father and you.  Your father for running the NYC marathon in your honor, raising over $5K for SIDS research.  You, for looking over him while he ran 26.2 miles, beside him the entire way, and while he recently experienced what he thought was a heart attack, again beside him the entire time.

I still can not watch your dad's fundraising video without crying...

Run to Remember video for Owen

Your dad's fundraising page with the CJ SIDS Foundation

Your dad felt great the entire marathon and I know it was because you were with him the whole way.  Thanks to all of you who donated to such a great cause.  Hopefully one day we know why SIDS happens and how we can PREVENT it because now, there is NO way to prevent it, only to reduce the risks.  There has actually been some recent research that was released in regards to abnormalities in the brain stem of SIDS babies.

Article on Boston Children's new SIDS study

A special thanks to those of you who joined us on race day in NYC.  It was a cold busy day but your support of Jim, Owen and all babies lost to SIDS was much appreciated.

I am so proud to be married to your dad, someone who devotes his life to his family.  He was like a machine running and I know that was because of you.  It's so hard to continue to live life without you here physically but it is events like this that we do to continue living in your honor that make it all bearable.  I could barely hold back the tears the entire day.

The tears continued a week later when your dad woke me up at 5am saying he thought he was having a heart attack.  I was so out of it and didn't believe what I had heard.  I told him to lay down and breathe and he did but then felt like he had to use the bathroom.  Unfortunately on the way into the bathroom, he collapsed and passed out, hitting his mouth on the tub during his fall.  Seeing the blood and half his teeth missing, I called 911 and your dad was taken by ambulance to the same hospital you were born in and the same hospital we took you to when we found you in your crib, sleeping like a true angel.  After a full day of monitoring, thank God and YOU, they didn't think your dad had a heart attack or a stroke.   He has a few follow ups to do but after a good deal of dental work, they think it was a combination of exhaustion, dehydration and anxiety that caused the pain in his chest and the fainting episode.

During this time that your dad thought he may be having a heart attack I really believe he thought he may be joining you in heaven.  I have never seen him so scared but I kept reminding him that whatever happened, we would be ok, he would be ok.  If it was his time to join you in heaven, he would be in the arms of God and finally hold you again in his arms. 

I guess God still feels that your dad has a job to do here on earth.  I guess we all do until we join you in heaven.  Thank you and thank God he is still with us and it was nothing serious other than a wake up call that we all need.  We need to take care of ourselves, mentally and physically, while we are still here on earth.  As painful as it is to grieve for you, we need to do it so it doesn't build up inside.

Thank you for giving me more time with your dad and protecting him every step of the way for he has many more steps to give for you, the rest of our family and many many more people on this earth before his time to join you in heaven comes.

I feel your presence in the nursery at home and I know your dad feels it all the time.  I know you are here with us protecting us, especially your dad and your baby sister.  Reilly reached a huge milestone this week.  She turned 5 months, 1 day old.  Thank you for watching over her, every second of every day.  I know she knows you and I sense your soul in her.

I love you more than you will ever know and miss you every second of every day.  Tomorrow your oldest brother turns 6.  How I wish you would be there at 21 months of age, smashing the cake in his face and running around crazy on a sugar high of cake and ice cream.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

She lives!

Dear Owen,

I can't help but quote a good baby loss friend.  She lives!

Happy 5 month birthday Reilly!

Thanks for looking over her last night Owen.

Love you more than ever.

Love,

Your one and only mom

Year 2: CJ Strides for Babies

Dear Owen,

I can't believe this has been our second year walking in your honor outside of NYC for SIDS.  This year we were joined by your heaven buddy Noah's family.  We all walked in your honor.  We are so thankful for the friends and family that came to walk in your honor and donated to the CJ Foundation in your honor.  Special shout out to my friend Alyson who I haven't seen since COLLEGE who came to walk with us. Alyson it was so great to see you and I was so touched by your presence.

Owen, I hope you and Noah are playing baseball in heaven or at least rolling a ball back and forth to each other.  I can't believe you have been gone over a year and I am sure I will say that EVERY day until we meet again. You are my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep at night.  I always blow a kiss to your picture and one to you in heaven before I close my eyes after I put your brothers and sister to sleep.

Next weekend your Daddy is running the NYC in your honor.  Please be with him every step of the way as I know it will be a tough day for him and all of us as we remember your sweet sweet spirit.  I know the sun will shine on all of us.

We all love and miss you so much. 

Love,
Your one and only mom