Happy 2 year 3 month birthday! Can't believe you would be 27 months! 27 months since one of the best 4 days of my life. Unfortunately it has also been 22 months since the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. Hands down. It's both a blessing and a curse that the 12th is the day you were born on and the day you died on. I know you are in heaven smiling down though and you have blessed us with yet again another sunny day.
Your father is still struggling, probably more than he has in awhile. We are trying to work through it but it's been rough. Seeing Reilly grow into this littler girl is such a blessing but I think it's also a curse because we realize how much we missed out on with you.
Yesterday we went to church. We were upset to find the tree they had planted for you looks like it didn't survive the winter. There weren't any buds on it and everything else in town is in full bloom. Fortunately your tree in our backyard looks beautiful. After church we went to brunch and then visited your resting place. I completely lost it when I saw two new small graves in your row. Two new babies have joined you in God's hands in the last few weeks. Abigail and Hailey. It broke my heart to see this. You are not buried in a special baby section so this was the first time we saw new infant graves. Both girls were born in 2014 and passed in 2014. Recently, there was also a young man, Philip, in college who was buried right across from you. A tragic hit and run accident. He was a track star and the only child of his parents. Last night, as I reflected on MY journey as a mother, I wrote a letter to the parents of Abigail, Hailey and Philip. I figured since it was mother's day it was a nice time to reach out to other grieving mothers. I am going to seal them in a plastic bag and leave them at the grave site. I have no clue if the mothers will reach out to me but I feel like what helped me the most in those first months after you left me was chatting with other mothers that have unfortunately walked this terrible road.
Though, I also reflected last night on how blessed I am as a mother. I have had the opportunity to birth and hold 4 beautiful, healthy children. Fortunately 3 are still thriving with me here on earth and there is so much love and joy in their lives. I have to remind myself to pick myself out of bed every morning because as much as I want to feel sorry for myself for loosing you, I have them here with me. I know we will all be together one day. I don't know when that will be but when it comes, it will be joyous. I know you are in heaven looking after your two older siblings that we lost through miscarriage before Connor was born.
Last week I visited a close friend who recently experienced a still birth. I so wanted to be there for her because out of all our friends, I feel like i can relate the most. I was amazed at how much anxiety I felt, standing outside of her apartment building. It almost put me back to July 2012. She is a dear friend who your dad and I have both known for over 18 years. It broke my heart to see another woman, especially a close friend, suffering. I am amazed at her strength. I am so happy she is blessed with two living children. Owen, please look after her son. Show him the ropes in heaven and introduce him to all of the other angel babies you know!
Last week I also went to a mother's day celebration at Liam's school. It was beautiful. Though, I was the mom that lost it completely. One of his teachers was busy taking pictures all year and put together a beautiful video. She told me to look out for a few pictures of Liam because right over his shoulder was a white orb. It's a Catholic school so I know they are more religious but I was so touched that she noticed that. She believes it's Owen hanging out with his big brother. I believe it is too. That touched my heart so much and then as we proceeded to watch the video, You Are My Sunshine was one of the songs on the video. I couldn't stop crying and holding Liam as I watched all of these beautiful photos of Liam growing with his friends throughout the year. I was so happy to share in those memories with Liam but again, so sad that I will NEVER be able to watch a video of you having a hunt for signs of new life outside after spring arrived or laughing with your buddies. You have taught me through to appreciate the present because it truly is a gift.
Owen, you continue to bless my life in more ways than you ever know. Who new that every major holiday I would spend time at a cemetery. Who knew that I would be reaching out to complete strangers and holding their hands as they navigate this crazy journal of a bereaved mother. I know I have been blessed to have bereaved mothers hold my hand through this journey and these are woman so close to my heart now.
Owen, you light up my life and I can't wait to hold you again. I am sorry I didn't hold you enough while you were here with us on earth.
Love you to heaven and back.
Love,
Your one and only Mom
Heck yeah that orb was Owen. Very neat. Love you Caca
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