Answers we may never find

Dear Owen,

How you doing Sunshine?  Today marks the first day of my least favorite month...JULY.  I use to love July.  It signaled summer, fun, warmth, no school, swimming, the beach etc.  All the things I loved in life.

Now, it just starts the countdown to the worst day of my life.  July 12.  Then, the rest of the month reminds me of the grueling first few weeks after you left us here on earth.

The good news is that your dad and I just got off the phone with Dr. Hannah Kinney from Boston Children's Hospital who is also a research professor at Harvard.

Dr. Kinney's Bio

She is the lead researcher on SIDS.  She is the doctor that came out with the study that a low level of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which regulates breathing, heart rate and blood pressure during sleep, could be the reason behind SIDS.

Hormone Deficiency Explanation

We discussed your case at length and the numerous experts in the field who consulted on it.  She spoke directly with Dr. Sanders from Boston Children's who reviewed the medical examiners report where he said you had an issue with your heart.  She explained it all simply saying "you know what, 4 expert pediatric pathologists came up with many different explanations and still couldn't come to an agreement.  you know what, that means Owen's death SHOULD have been classified as SIDS or SUID.  No one knows and I know it is SO unsatisfying".

We further discussed how frustrating it is that medical examiners since the 1990s have tried to come up with something other than SIDS as a COD on a death certificate.  Unfortunately, a diagnostic drift has happened since the occurrence of SIDS has gone down but the increase in other reasons has gone up.  This is so frustrating Owen because it stops funding from going to SIDS and the whole back to sleep campaign looks like a winner.  I am sure the back to sleep campaign has helped some children avoid accidental death but you were found on your BACK!  I just pray that before I join you in heaven I know WHY or at least have done everything I can to help try and figure out WHY you weren't meant to live out your earthly life for longer than 5 months.

So we are embarking on this journey with Dr. Kinney and her team.  We are enrolling you and the rest of our family in her study.  We will never get an answer directly on YOU but we know that any study or research she creates will be in part because of you.

I sat here in my office at work talking with Dr. Kinney and her team and just cried and cried as I listened to her explain her study and talk about you.  It brought me back to the day at the hospital in NJ where the doctor told me there was no hope for you and there was no hope to donate your organs like I wanted to after I knew there was no hope for you.  I was broken.  I am broken.  But I have faith.  I have faith that your dad and I along with your siblings WILL find happiness and WILL be reunited with you again.

Owen, you are my TRUE sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are grey.  YOU WILL NEVER KNOW DEAR HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.  Damn God, why did you take my sunshine away?

I love you always Owen.

Love,
Your one and only Mom