Worst breakdown in a year

Dear Owen,

Well, it happened.  I had the worst breakdown I have had in a year today, as I was bathing your little sister.  I literally couldn't move and the tears were rolling off my face onto hers like bath water.

After celebrating her baptism this weekend and then doing a SIDS walk in your honor on Sunday, it was more than I could handle.  Today is also National Infant Loss day and you were on my mind all day.  I guess that is no different than any other day.  Wow, I am so hurt and my heart just aches.  I know my life is so full as I have four beautiful children, a house, a family etc but I am just sad that one of my beautiful children is in the hands of God. 

Owen, you really are an angel and I know you are looking out for us and I know I will see you again one day.

Love you to heaven and back.  Tonight we all lit a candle in your and other's infants honors and sat as a family and remembered your kind spirit.  I can't wait to hold you again one day.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Liam and Reilly hanging out.  Liam misses you like no tomorrow. He has cried for you every day for the past week.

Let it be

Dear Owen,

Did you ever know let it be was written by Paul McCartney about his mom who died when he was 14?  Well when Paul was struggling in life he had a dream that his mom visited him and told him to let it be.  Life would be ok.  Well it turned out to be after.  He met Linda, settled down etc.  Let it be.  Can I do that?

I sure don't feel like life will be ok right now.  Every day and every moment has been a struggle lately.  As much as reilly and your older brothers are a joy, my heart aches all the time.  All the time.  I have to tell myself to let it be.  I know you are with me and I have to trust in god.

Your photo was just featured in Parent magazines November 2013 edition about SIDS.  I'm extrmely angry at the article but I loved seeing your smiling face. We did everything to prevent Sids and you still died.  I wish the article focused on how we don't know why SIDS happens and those sleep ways help reduce the risk but some babies like you die even if you do everything right.  We need fundraising to figure out why perfectly healthy babies just stop breathing.

Let it be.  I just have to do that now.  Let it be.

Parents magazine spread

Your rainbow sister is helping me on a daily basis

Love you to heaven and back.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

Worst night ever

Dear Owen,

So I've been up most of the night with your sister. Not sure what's wrong.  combination of gas, swaddling and unswaddling, moving her to the pack and play from the bassinet etc.  Probably a combo of stuff. I'm exhausted needless to say.

As I sit here rocking her at 4:30am I started to think to myself "worst night ever" because I haven't gotten more than 30 minutes of uninterrupted sleep.  As soon as I said that in my mind I corrected myself.  There is no way this was the worst night ever. I have already lived through the worst night ever.  The night you became an angel.

That night still haunts me.  I try and remember the great times we had, the 152 days of smiles and laughs but a lot of the time my memories are clouded by my worst night ever.  I hope in time the memories of my worst night ever will erode and my memories of your chubby legs and adorable smile will surface again.

It's amazing the perspective I have grained since losing you Owen.  I'm so exhausted and know I have a day full of caring for your siblings ahead of me but I sit here for the tenth time tonight rocking your sister and thanking god for giving me one more day with her.

I wish I had one more day with you.  Even just one more minute as Liam would say.

Miss you more than ever.

Love,

Your one and only mom

Your siblings miss you more than you will ever know! Xoxoxoxo

OB3 and OB4

Dear Owen,

Ever since we learned we were expecting your biggest brother Connor and we knew it was a viable pregnancy we called him OB1. It was kinda for our last name O'Brien and him being the first born but it was also for Obi-Wan kanobi.  After Connor was born and we learned we were pregnant with your big brother Liam, we called him OB2.  Made sense to then call you OB3 when I was pregnant with you.  Finally your baby sister was called OB4.  

Well, the last few weeks I have felt you and OB4/Reilly close to each other.  I have made multiple trips to the yardley post office and it is there that I see the first memorial brick for you.  Every time I go to he post office I stop by your brick and cry.  

I feel guilt seeing your brick when I have Reilly with me.  Please know she's not a replacement.  I would give my life to have you here with us.  I have no doubt that you and Reilly have met.  She looks so much like you, especially when she's in the bath and her crazy hair is matted down.  She loves the bath just like you.

We also recently spent an afternoon at your grave planting fall flowers.  As soon as we got to your grave it started to thunder.  I knew it was you saying hi.  We were there with your newborn cousin who is three weeks younger than reilly.  Reilly was so calm the whole time we were there.  I felt like she was at peace having her three brothers near.  

Owen I miss you more than I could ever express.  Now that Reilly is smiling and laughing I'm reminded of you and your sweet spirit.  I love her so much but every day is still filled with sadness because you, her partner in crime, is not her physically.  I know you were part of blessing us with our rainbow child and I thank you for that.  

I love you to heaven and back.  I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.

Love,

Your one and only mom

I have 4 kids

Dear Owen,

Ever since you went to be with God the dreaded question of "how many kids do you have" haunts me.  I almost always say 4 since Reilly has arrived because you are my son, even if you are in heaven  now.  Though I know it weirds people out and they don't know what to say when they her that I have a son that died of SIDS.  Occasionally if I am not up for it I will just nod and say I have three but almost always I say 4.  I hate the comments I get now about finally getting my girl and how lucky I am.  If people only knew.

I was so touched to receive today a beautiful necklace with all four of my Children's names on it from a dear friend.  I wept looking at all of your names.  You are a foursome.  I know you are with us Owen even if it is only in spirit.  I see you in Reilly.  When we bath her and her wild hair is matted down, she looks just like you.  Connor and Liam talk about how cute Reilly is but when they say it, they always say she is so cute "just like Owen". 

Tonight as I was putting Liam to bed he noticed the new necklace.  He immediately commented on his name (what 3 year old isn't that self centered!). After that he noticed Connors name since he sees it all the time and idolizes his older brother.  After that he noticed your name and just started crying.  He ran to your picture in their room and kissed it and blew a kiss to you in heaven.  Then he remembered he didn't kiss Reilly goodnight since she was already asleep when he got home.  He ran to her bedside and blew her a kiss.

What I wouldnt give for you to be in your room physically so Liam could blow you a kiss in your crib.  I miss your sweet sweet smile.  Your contagious laugh.  I miss my three sons being together.  I just plain fat miss you.  The way you rolled around and flashed that smile knowing I was so proud of you.  The way you admired your older brothers and just stated at them with pure content. 

You will always be one of my four Children and Liam will never be a middle child alone.  He's the older middle child.

I love you more than you will ever know and I can't wait to see you in heaven.  I am no longer afraid of dying.  When my time comes I will close my eyes and smile for I know you will greet me at heavens gates.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

Here's your little sis missing you. 

A year and answers - finally

Dear Owen,

So it's been a year.  I meant to try and write closer to the actual date of July 12, 2013 but the past few days and weeks have been more than difficult.  

July 11 and 12 this year were so difficult to say the least.  I kept reliving everything I did with you on the 11th.  It was miserable.  I could barely breathe.  I felt so guilty holding Reilly remembering holding you last year.  I would give my own life to have you back.  

We had talked about going to the beach on the 12th because you loved it and we had so many fond memories of going with you.  Unfortunately it turned out to be a rainy day.  Heaven was crying.  We went to NYC instead and attended a mass that was said in your honor.  Hearing your name read was surreal.  Owen Michael O'Brien.  Really?!? My son is dead!?!? How did this all happen.

I cried in church as I fed your sister.  I felt your presence though.  We then had lunch and I just cried and cried.  We sat in almost 4 hours of insane traffic and rain getting home.  You know how much I hate traffic so that just added to the pain of the day.  We got back so late we couldn't go to visit your gravesite plus it was pouring rain.

We watched your video and it was so painful.  I couldn't hold your sister during it because I felt I needed to devote all of my attention to you.  You are still my son and I still have to mother you even though your body is no longer with us.  I feel bad cuz since your sister arrived I haven't had as much time for you and ok sorry.  It pains me.  Watching your video was so hard.  It reminded me of how real, how alive and how happy you and I were.  Connor cried with us and then proceeded to channel his pain by drawing pictures of you and him and writing your name and how much he loved you.

A few weeks after the 12th we finally got a firm answer in regards to your autopsy. The medical examiner had said you passed away from aortic coarctation but that didn't make sense since you had been screened by a cardiologist.  Well after having many many experts review your case, they have ruled that the medical examiner was wrong and there is no clear cause of death so it's a clear case of SIDS.  I'm glad in a sense to know that a doctor didn't miss a diagnosis that could have saved you but I'm sad because I don't have someone to blame. Having someone to blame allowed me to channel my anger and pain at someone.  I just wish we all knew why SIDS happened.  Jim was relieved with this news but honestly now I'm just so scared for Reilly since there isn't a clear cause of SIDS.  We did everything to prevent SIDS with you but you still died.

Sorry it has taken me so long to write.  My heart is with you every second of every day.  Wish you were walking here now.  Miss you more than ever my sweet angel.

Love,

Your one and only mom

A not so little rainbow

Dear Owen,

I've been meaning to write you for awhile but I've been super busy lately.  I'm sorry.  As you know your little SISTER arrived on Father's Day.  What a gift.  Thank you.

 

Reilly Ann 

 

Born Sunday June 16th, 2013 at 9:20pm

Daddy's first girl arrived on Father's Day

9 lbs 14 oz

22.5 inches

Our biggest baby yet! 

We selected Reilly because it means valiant/courageous and Ann because it means gracious.  Reilly is Jim's grandmother's maiden name and Ann is the middle name of Carla, both grandmothers and influential aunts on both sides of our family.

Let me tell you Owen, I know you were with us when Reilly was born.  I had a total emotional breakdown half way through labor.  I completely lost it and just balled balled balled for you.  Thank goodness my midwife Aimee was there and totally understood what we were goin through.  She was so supportive.  She reminded me that you were there with us and I felt your presence.  You looked after both Reilly and I.  Thank you for being there and helping your sister to arrive safely.  

 

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a RAINBOW appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

 

We are so filled with joy but its been a struggle too these last three weeks.  Owen, we miss you more than ever.  The dynamics of our family have changed.  No longer can we say the boys, we have to say the kids.  You should be here to enjoy your sister.  It's been a struggle to take family photos because there is the constant reminder that our family isn't complete.  You should be here walking around, sharing in this joy with us.  Having a baby around reminds me so much of my time with you.  It's all so fresh.  God I miss you.  Having Reilly has put me into a new stage of grief.  

I wish I would have wrote sooner and I'm sorry.  Today marks the anniversary of my last day with you.  I can't believe it's been a year. What I would give to go back a year from today and never ever put you down to bed.  

I love you more than you ever know.  

Love,

Your one and only mom

Your little sister...