Little kicker

Dear Owen,

So I was just looking at these photos of you from our last trip to the beach with you last summer...

 

 

 

Needless to say YOU LOVED THE BEACH!  Just like your Momma!  You, unlike your brothers, didn't cry the first time I put your feet in the ocean.  We were in Hilton Head and as soon as I put your feet in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, you immediately started to kick your feet and laugh with joy.  You loved it!  You had a smile on your face the entire time!  I hate to tell you once again that I am sad but I just started BAWLING here at my desk thinking of you laying there on the towel, kicking your feet in utter joy and happiness.  Your legs use to go CRAZY every time you were laying around and your brothers were jumping around beside you.  You would giggle like crazy and kick your feet in pure excitement.  It almost looked like you were trying to run around with them.  I guess now that you are in Heaven I can think about you running around with them when I see a butterfly chase them in the backyard or the breeze blow by their jerseys as they run around the soccer field.

I am crying because I realize that your new baby sibling is going to probably kick his or her feet in total joy, the same way you did but it won't be you.  I know I will love your little brother or sister just as much as I love you and your older brothers but I will always miss seeing the joy on your face and in your big beautiful brown eyes when you kicked your feet with joy.  I think that was one of the hardest things about seeing your body after your soul went to be with God was not seeing your beautiful brown eyes light up with joy and your legs kicking with delight.  You were my little kicker, both in and outside the womb!  Your little sibling is not nearly the kicker that you once were.

What I would give to see you now, 1 year 2 months old, running around with those little chubby legs.  You had a little birth mark on your left leg that I always rubbed when I fed and rocked you.  It really stood out on your beautifully chubby legs.  You can see it in the photo below.  I still cant' believe how big you were for a 4 month old in these pictures - WOW!  I guess all your kicking wore you out this day because you passed out as we took a walk in the stroller on the beach.  All that fresh air and excitement with the sounds of the rolling waves! 

 

As your auntie Katie W would say, may you be resting like this in paradise.  Paradise has always been the beach to me so now as the weather gets warmer and I prep to head to the Outer Banks of NC with my friends this weekend, I will always think of you when I am at the beach (not that I don't think about you all the time already!!!!!!!!!).  I know you will be there with me in spirit and I will try and remember the kicks of joy as I take in all the beauty and joy that the beach offers.

 

I love you to Heaven and back my little kicker.

 

Love,

Your one and only Mom

 

 



2 months

Dear Owen,

A year ago today you turned 2 months old.  A year ago I snapped the pictures below from your 2 month photo shoot.  Not our best monthly photo shoot because I was trying to shoot without a flash on a not so sunny day.  I thought I was going to have many many months, years, decades to take photos of you.  Your hair was classic and I love how in the last photo you look like you might punch me since I had taken so many pictures :)

 

 

9 months ago today your heart took it's last beat in your father's arms.

Thanks to all of you who continue to think of us on the 12th of the month.  Your thoughts on this day mean so much to us and make us feel just a little less alone.  Thank you, we love you all.

I miss you like crazy.  This week has been really hard.  Your dad has been in Scotland for work so it's been pretty tiring.  I know you know this already because you had a part in it but with me being 30 weeks pregnant, it's even harder when your dad travels.

For those of you out there that don't know already, we are excited to announce we are expecting baby #4.  OB4 is due June 21, 2013.  Just over 2 months from now.  That day just happens to be the summer solstice which literally means "sun stands still".  Owen, we know you had a part in blessing our family with a little sibling for you and your brothers and we are so thankful for that but it doesn't make this journey any less hard or painful.  You, our little sunshine, for sure helped in creating your little brother or sister.  With the losses we experienced before your brother Connor, we decided to put the decision to have another child in God's hands and we were once again blessed.  We didn't tell people we were expecting your little brother or sister until I was close to 18 weeks because we couldn't talk about it without crying.  Though, just the fact that OB4 is due on the first day of summer, on a day where the 'sun stands still', brought comfort to us.  OB4 in NO way will EVER replace you sweet Owen.  Though, we know, just like any baby, OB4 will bring joy to our family.  Owen, as our 3rd boy, you brought more joy into our family than your father and I could ever imagine. You taught your oldest brother to be a big helper and caregiver.  It was so much different watching Connor interact with you since he was 4 then how he interacted with Liam when he was born since Connor was only 2 then.  You taught Liam to BE an older brother.  Liam was SO excited to finally be an older brother.  You taught Liam what it was like to be a middle sibling, something I can totally relate to being the middle child.  You will now teach OB4 what it will be like to be a compassionate person and you yourself, though you live in heaven, will be an older brother and a middle child just like me.  I know it will pain me every time I look at photos to come of Connor, Liam and OB4 knowing you are missing.  I will never be blessed to have JUST ONE photo of my 4 children together.  That pains me to no extent but I am comforted to know that ONE day, we will all be able to rejoice together in heaven and I know you will be a part of our lives forever, even if you can't be in our photos.

Wednesday night this week we had our first thunderstorm of the season.  We had been over a friend's house for dinner.  The sky was very dark when we left just before bedtime.  On the drive home, I saw the lightning in the distance and I just lost it.  I was crying so hard that Connor started freaking out asking me what was wrong.  I tried to remind your brothers of how many crazy storms happened last summer after your journey to heaven.  This is a photo of the storm caught by a friend in Yardley:

Last summer we saw it as a sign of you telling us you were in heaven and you were ok.  Last summer we would just sit under the cover of the garage and stare out at the pouring rain and lightening as we thought of you, our little warrior, up in heaven.  It's these little things that make all the crazy feelings I felt those first few weeks last July come flooding back.  I could barely get your brothers up the stairs and into the shower I was so overcome with sorrow and pain.  The sound of the rain and thunder reminded me of the pain I feel in my heart every day.  My tears fell like rain and your brothers sensed my pain.  Liam was scared of the thunder in a way I had never seen before.  I laid on the floor of their room until they fell asleep that night, trying to comfort them in any way I could. 

Well, here's to you Owen.  Happy 14 month birthday in heaven.  Your brothers put grapes on the cupcakes I brought home for them this past weekend after I had a girls weekend with my best high school friends.  They thought the grapes would make the cupcakes more healthy.  I guess in theory they were right :)  We never stop celebrating your life.  You blessed us with more laughs and smiles than I could ever imagine and I am sure you are doing the same for everyone in heaven now.

 



You are top of mind like always today and everyday.  Now that spring has really started to show, it reminds me of all the walks we went on last year.  Spring came much earlier last year than it did this year.  I kinda feel like the seasons are grieving with us.

I love you more than ever.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

SIDS Fundraiser for March Madness - Brackets 4 Life

Dear Owen,

I was fortunate to come across a fundraiser to raise money for SIDS research.  As you know, we are college basketball fans and your daddy and I also went to Duke for grad school.  Your daddy and you watched the NCAA tournament last year together.  Your daddy loved to watch games with you sitting on his lap.  You were such a cuddle bug!

A current Duke student created Brackets 4 Life to raise money for SIDS research by creating a march maddness bracket.  This Duke student lost his 5 month old brother 17 years ago.  I have connected with his mother and she has given me hope that one day Owen, I will be able to remember your sweet smile and smile myself.  Hopefully her son Christopher and you are bonding in Heaven!

Anyone interested in helping out a cause near and dear to our hearts and our sweet Owen, please participate...

https://www.facebook.com/#!/brackets4life

https://www.brackets4life.com/

For the best experience they suggest using Safari, Firefox, or Chrome.

Maybe one day we will find out why SIDS happens and prevent any other family from experiencing the pain we go through every day.

Miss you more than I could ever express Owen but things like this show me that good can come out of an unthinkable situation.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Verbalizing Infant Loss

Dear Owen,

Last night I woke up to the sounds of your dad sobbing in his sleep.  It frightened me because it sounded like the cries I heard for months after you first left us for Heaven.  I immediately asked him if he was ok and he just said he had to go into your room and write in his journal.  It was so upsetting to hear those cries in the middle of the night and I was brought back immediately to the stabbing pain we felt the first weeks and months after you passed.  It is not that we don't feel that way now, I guess we have learned to control it now.  Unfortunately we can't control our dreams.

I came across this article on infant loss and I thought it really depicted how we feel.  Honestly, how no one else can feel the pain we feel.  Not that I want someone too but I think that is why we have leant so heavily on other families that have experienced such profound loss.

http://www.jsonline.com/news/opinion/the-heartache-of-infant-loss-131289299.html

The writer sums it up perfectly. 

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Owen, a day has not gone by that I haven't cried for you or ached to see your smiling face. 

I miss you more than words could ever express.

Love,
Your One and Only Mom

Simple sounds

Dear Owen,

I hope you are enjoying have your great grandmother in heaven with you now.  As you know, your daddy's grandmother passed away on February 24.  She was 97 so I think it was her time to go but it is sad regardless.  Going to her funeral was very tough for me and the rest of the family.  It brought back a lot of memories of your memorial mass.  The songs, the songs, the songs.  Your daddy was a pallbearer so he was on the other side of the church but I saw him cry so hard when the entrance song was Here I am Lord.  I cried along with him.  All of the songs during the mass reminded me of you.  I was thankful that I was on Liam patrol so I had to focus on keeping him quiet instead of being so sad.  I felt your spirit as I always do.

At the wake the night before, your brothers didn't seem very interested in going up to the casket to say good bye to your great grandmother so I didn't push it.  Then, before we were leaving from the back of the room, Connor said to me "Hey Mom, there is a picture of Owen by my great grandmother.".  Sure enough I look up and someone had placed the mass card from your memorial mass in her casket.  I could not believe Connor noticed it from so far away.  He wanted to go up and look at it and did briefly.  I prayed while I was up there with him and asked Cecile to look after you in heaven until I join you one day.  This is the first person that had met you here on earth that is now with you in heaven.  I know your daddy and your uncle Matt spoke with her before she passed away and asked her to look after you.  I hope she is with you now, laughing and giggling away.

So I am sitting here right now, working from home because I have a massive cold.  I am trying to keep the office healthy since we are so busy.  Anyways, for the first time in months I hear someone mowing their lawn.  Again, the simple sound of a lawnmower just made me cry and yearn to have you here.  You were my spring baby.  We spent so many days walking around the neighborhoods, taking in the fresh air and sounds of spring.  We saw so many lawn services come and take care of people's lawns.  The sound reminds me that the time of year you were here last year is upon us.  We spent so many days outside, just you and me.  Remember the days I would put you in your exersauser or bouncy seat in the shade while I worked on the garden?  We would just enjoy the sunshine and sounds of spring.  The birds, the planes, the insects etc. I know Easter is approaching and you were with us last year for Easter.  I somehow thought this time of year would bring joy but instead I just miss you more.  I miss last year when I dressed my three boys up in their green St. Patrick's day shirts and took pictures of you all on the couch in the living room.  I am afraid to take a picture of your brothers this year without you.  I am afraid to face Easter without you.  I saw that the Lower Bucks St. Patrick's day parade is happening in two weekends.  I don't think I can bring myself to go.  Last year all 5 of us went to the parade.  Remember - it was SOOO cold out.  You slept most of the time in your stroller and then I carried you across my chest to keep you even warmer after you woke up. 

Last night as I was putting your brothers to bed, Liam grabbed hold of my phone and started to look at videos.  He found the video of you laughing with me on it that I took just a few days before your journey to heaven.  He played it over and over again.  I hope one day I can look at that video and not cry like I did last night.  Liam was SO happy looking at that video.  He just kept saying "Owen and Mommy laughing.  I miss Owen".  Owen, like I say to you every night, I don't even have the words to express how much I miss you.  Liam noticed how much I was crying and gave me one of his big bear hugs.  Then, as he was going to sleep, he came back into your daddy and I's bedroom and gave me "Owen's lovey".  This is the lovey your Nano and PopPop gave you when you were born.  Unfortunately you never got the chance to use it because I didn't give you lovies in your crib since you weren't old enough.  It has a baseball on it with a little blanket.  Since the day you went to heaven, Liam has become completely attached to your lovey.  As Liam handed me "Owen's lovey" he said "Mom, I think you should sleep with Owen's lovey tonight".  What a sweetheart.  I could NOT believe he let go of it.  He obviously saw how much I missed you and since that is his connection to you, he shared it with me to feel close to you.  I slept with that and your OWEN blanket next to me all night.

I can still hear your laugh when I sit her and think about it.  I hope that never fades.

I love you and miss you more than words could ever share.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Owen's 1st Annual Balloon Launch - Sunshine for Owen

Dear Owen,

Did you just love all the balloons all your loved one's sent to you in heaven for your first birthday?  Thanks to your auntie Katie for organizing the First Annual Sunshine for Owen balloon launch on February 12, 2013.  I know you met Katie when you were just over a week old.  I am so thankful she was able to meet you. 

Thanks to all of you across the country that sent balloons to Owen in heaven.  We were all SO touched by your love and support.  It really meant a lot.  It warmed our hearts on a day where we just felt so empty.  Thank you thank you thank you.

Here are pictures from the event:
https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/activity/ctkienq7g5nsm2mp9hgtq2r9eo4#events/activity/ctkienq7g5nsm2mp9hgtq2r9eo4

Sunshine for Owen:
http://sunshineforowen.blogspot.com/

Thanks to all of you who sent us cards, flowers and other reminders of our angel in heaven.  It was so nice to feel so much love and support on one of the hardest days we have faced since Owen went to be with God. 

Owen, Connor and Liam really enjoyed sending balloons to you in heaven on your birthday.  It was very windy on your birthday at the cemetary but we managed to send a few balloons up your way!  Their loving daycare that knew you so well also sent balloons up to you after Connor and Liam returned to school.  We were so touched that they had the whole daycare participate in this event to remember your sunshine soul.  Finally, over the weekend we sent up lanterns with some other family in town.

 

We are now down at Disney celebrating your life and getting away for a bit.  It is amazing how much Liam misses you.  Out of nowhere today he mentioned things you would have liked.  While we were swimming, he pointed to the other pool and said you would have loved that pool because it was so big.  When we were eating cookies after dinner, Connor and Liam both said you would have loved chocolate chip and would have eaten so many cookies!  Though Connor was quick to point out that your mouth was pretty small so it would have taken you a lot of bites :) While we were on a ride at Disney today and Liam said he wanted to give the Pirates a hug, he then told me he wanted to give you a hug.

What I wouldn't give to give you a hug today, or any day.  One last hug.  One last kiss.  I miss you more than I can ever express but I know you feel my love and the love of all that love you up in heaven.

Until we meet again face to face.

I love you to heaven and back.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

 

Wherever you are, my love will find you

Dear Owen,

Happy 1st Birthday.  Oh how we ALL missed you today.  Though, we honored you ALL day long. We felt your love and presence which was very comforting.  We woke up to a beautiful sunrise and the sun was shining all day.  We made pancakes and your brothers blew out candles for you.  Then we made strawberry lemonade cupcakes for you since they thought you would have liked them.  I love the way their little minds work!  Since Connor likes Vanilla and Liam likes Chocolate, they thought it would totally make sense that you would like Strawberry!  Then we took off to the city and went to the zoo.  It was empy which was nice so we didn't have to deal with people everywhere.  I was constantly reminded of the time I took you and your brothers there.  Liam picked out a little elephant to take home since elephants remind them of you since your "wawa/lovey" was an elephant.  Connor picked out a little keychain with your name on it.  Your dad got a little elephant statue that he left at your grave.  After we left the zoo, we then had a beautiful yummy lunch at Sabrina's Cafe. 

Up until this point I felt a sense of peace and love.  I knew your soul was with us and we smiled a lot and remembered you so fondly.  Since you were born at 4:01pm, we decided to head to the cemetary around this time so we could officially since your happy birthday song, blow out candles and release your balloons at this time.  The second I walked down to your grave, I lost it and haven't gained it back since. 

Your brothers were so excited to release the balloons to you in heaven.  They talked a lot about how the balloons had to travel all the way through space to get to you.  Only you know about that journey to heaven.  After singing Happy Birthday to you all day long, we "officially" sang happy birthday to you at 4:01pm.  I couldn't even get the words out.  I miss you so much.  I wish you were here to sit in your high chair and discover frosting and cake for the first time.  We could barely light the candles because the wind kept blowing them out.  We knew this was you taking your stab at blowing out your own 1st birthday candles. 

After our traditional birthday dinner of pizza and fruit, we decided as a family to watch the video your tante Michelle made for us of your all but too short life.  I hadn't watched it in so long.  I think I was protecting myself because every time I watch it, I am reminded of how much I love you, how much I miss you and how much I ache to hold and kiss you again.  This time was even more difficult than ever.  Connor, your oldest brother, cried the entire time.  This is one of the few times I have seen him cry for you.  He was uncontrolable and wouldn't let go of me.  This was so insanely diffficult for your Daddy and I.  it broke my heart to know how much pain he is in and will go through for the rest of his life.  It also broke my heart knowing that you died and I couldn't protect you.  It's so hard to see your children suffer and not be able to take the pain away.  I just kept telling him we will be ok and that you, Owen, were still with us.  It is such a hard concept for a 5 year old to process. Liam cried a little bit but he was also so happy to see you on the big TV and kept waving to you and singing along to the songs.  Connor just kept asking why you died and sweet Owen, I wish we had an answer for him.  We are still working through all of that.  We all held each other and wept as we remembered your sweet soul and all the great times we had with you. 

You have taught us so much in your short but sweet life and we continue to learn from you every day.  Your birth out of the 3 I have been through was definitely the most painful.  It was completely natural and it was crazy hard but it was WORTH it.  I remember thinking right after you were born on 2/12 last year that that was the worst pain I will have ever been through in my life.  I guess I was wrong.  The emotional pain I am in now is much worse.  The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing I will see you again.  I know you are with us and I find peace in that.  You are a part of me that I will never forget.  There is never going to be a day that I don't think of you, pray for you, speak to you. 

I feel like grieving a child is a life sentence. I hate that I tell you this and make you know that I am so sad but I am.  Yes, I go through the daily motions, work, errands etc.  but I really feel like I am never really there.  I am always partially disconnected, just to survive.  I watch crappy TV just to escape this reality that is my life, the rest of my life.  I know I have SO much to be joyful for but I feel like I am living two different lives.  I am so overwhelmed that every year I will have to celebrate your birthday without you.  How will I survive this?  The only answer I can come up with is with God's love and support, the love and support of friends and family and YOUR LOVE and SWEET SMILE.  I have to believe one day, whether it be tomorrow or 70 years from now, I WILL celebrate a birthday in your presence in heaven.  Please help guide me as I navigate this world of a grieving parent for the rest of my life.

As I sit here with your candle burning and your brothers asleep upstairs, I am reading the book I bought for you for your 1st birthday.  I know it is a book that most parents probably buy their children when they grow up and leave the house but I find it perfect for our situation too.  My love will find you whever you are and I know your love will find me, wherever I am.

May your eternal birthday celebration in heaven be a party with the angels.

Wherever You Are, my love will find you
by Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more
than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it.  It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you.  My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends.

You can dance till your dizzy...

paint till you're blue...

There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out in baseball,
or think you've been bad...

just life up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of
the sea...in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree...in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved.  You are loved.  You are
loved," they all say. 

My love is so high, and wide and
so deep, it's always right there, even
when you're asleep.

So hold your head high
and don't be afraid
to march to the front
of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling,
my star...and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

Happy Birthday Sweet Angel.

Love,
Your one and only Mom