Every life is so precious

Dear Owen,

I just spent the last weekend out in California with your tante Michelle you knew so well.  It was supposed to be her baby shower but your little cousin decided to enter the world 7 weeks early so I caught to meet her! Baby F is doing so well considering.  She's breathing on her own and just has to master feeding but then she will be going home.  She's been in the nicu for over 3 weeks now.  

Over the four days I was there, there were some babies in the nicu that never received visitors.  It was so heart breaking.  I kept thinking that all I want is for you to be here with us and here are babies alive, fighting for their lives and their parents are no where around.  I just wanted to scoop them up and cuddle them and tell them they are so very loved.

Babies that young are so very helpless and are just trying to figure out this world and need and want to be loved.  It was so sad to see them all alone fighting for their lives.  Why do people who don't want their children still have them?

Owen you were so very strong and healthy and big and so very very loved.  I guess you never know what life will give you.

I pray tonight for the health and strength of my little niece and for all the babies in the nicu.  For all babies everywhere that they are loved and protected.  I wish more than anything parents would appreciate all children, especially those little babies fighting for every breath and feed.  I hope and pray these babies are loved and protected.  They didn't choose this world and it is our job to love and protect them.  I wish more than anything I could give every one of those babies the warm loving arms of all my angel mom friends who I know would give anything to hold their Angels again.

Owen watch over your baby cousin and I ask God to protect her and give her strength and know she is so very loved.  She's one lucky lady to have an angel like you as a big cousin.

Love you more than ever and miss your sweet sweet smile.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

Happy 3rd Birthday Owen!

Dear Owen,

Yes, yes, I know.  It is not OFFICIALLY your birthday but we are a few hours from the clock striking midnight and I wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy 3rd birthday.

I sit here "trying" to work and can't take my mind off of you.  We are trying to plan our "Owen Day" but it is proving more difficult this year since your sister and I came down with the flu.  We are still going to try and stick to our original plan but since we are both pretty sick, not sure how it will turn out.

You should be here.  You should be getting ready for preschool.  We should be signing you up for your first year in YMS soccer.  You should be potty trained.  You should be talking up a storm and getting into trouble with your little sister and big brothers.

On this earth, I will never understand why you left us all too soon but I hope when I am reunited with you and God, I will know "his plan".  You are enrolled in a study to learn more on SIDS and maybe that will one day point to why, what happened, why you stopped breathing.

I think I am finding this birthday to be harder than the 2nd.  Maybe it is because I see your sister growing up and realize you are not.  Maybe it is because the 3rd year has some big milestones.  Maybe it is because it is further out and more and more people have forgotten and we don't have their support.  Who knows.  It's just hard.  I hear that in grief it will ebb and flow.  Well, this is one of those times I feel the pain so much.

Though, I still feel your light and your joy.  You live on.  You live on in each of us.  You have taught me to be a better mother.  I am SO much more patient with your sister than I ever was with you and your brothers.  I am SO much more loving with your siblings than I was before.  Before you died, I was always so concerned with how I would get everything done.  Now I just sit, relax and enjoy each and every breathe we take together.

You have taught Liam and Connor to be compassionate and loving brothers.  They are so gentle and protective with Reilly.  They speak of you often and are proud of you.  They love you more than you will ever know.

Owen, I would give anything to have you here tomorrow.  To have you blow out your candles.  Reilly has been building fake cakes with her legos and singing Happy Birthday to you.  Your memory lives on in all of us in our hearts and in our souls.  You are always with us.  We will celebrate as a family tomorrow your beautiful birth.

Happy Birthday my sweet bear.  You made us a party of five and you will always be our 5th family member.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Party of 5!

Never seen a cuter cuddler!

Your Dad holding you for the first time

2 and a half years

Dear Owen,

Where has the time gone? It's been 2.5 years to the day since I saw your beautiful smile.  It feels like forever.  I now view my life as before you died and after you died.  Your sister is a spitting image of you, except with hazel eyes and a firecracker personality.  

We should be prepping for your big three year old birthday party.  Instead, we are trying to plan how we will celebrate your third birthday without you.  

There are some days where I manage to smile most of the day.  You have taught me to appreciate life, even the littlest of things.  I now sit and play with your siblings without thinking of all the things I should get up and do.  Though those times are often met with smiles, I often spark a tear in my eye wondering what it would be like with you here and having four children to play with.  Would you and Reilly be best beds since you are closest in age or would you and your big brothers play Legos and hockey endlessly? Would you be sensitive like Connor or a jokester like Liam? Would you give away your treats to your siblings like Liam or would you hide them for yourself like Connor?

What I would give to know you and how you would be at 35 months old. 35 is a number I now hate.  You died when I was 35 years old.  35 was the worst year of my life. 35.  You should be 35 months old.  Not forever 5 months.

Owen my heart broke the other night when your brothers came back from good grief with their wish boxes.  I stayed home with Reilly because I was sick.  They both showed me the beautiful boxes they created. They both had two simple wishes. 1 - you would come back to life and 2 - they could get a puppy.

I wish I could make their dreams come true.  I wish my dreams would come true.  For now I'll just have to settle on you living in my dreams. I haven't seen you in my dreams in so long.  Probably because I barely sleep and don't dream.  My heart is broken.  

I love you more than ever.  The snow falls and reminds me of your birth month.  I wait for it to arrive with a pain that is oh so familiar.

I love you my sweet bear.  Grief has no path, no boundaries and no end.  Just an acceptance and a learning curve.

Love,

Your one and only mom

The plaque at your tree at our church.  This was our memory of you on Christmas Eve mass.

Your siblings and your cousins over Christmas break.  You should be in this picture.  6 Gerster cousins.  Why why why God?

We love you with all our hearts Owen.  You are my soul.

Officially one year older

Dear Owen,

Today your little sister has officially lived a year longer than you did.  She is 17 months old today.  I cherish every minute I have with her.  She is running, laughing, showing her independence.  So many things she does I sit in pure amazement staring at her.  She is a gift from God.  Though, I can't help but wonder what she would be like if you were still here.  What would you two do to hang with the older boys?  How would you play together?  Reilly loves to dance and I just have sweet visions of the two of you rocking it out together.

You two look so much alike.  I see your soul in her.  I see you in Connor and Liam too.  We recently took pictures with a good old friend and it broke my heart to not see you physically in the photos with your brothers and sister.  I So was so upset after realizing I didn't have an "Owen token' in the photo.  Your dad reassured me after that you are always with us and with them and they are who they are today because of you.  So even though you aren't physically in the photo, the wonder in Reilly's eyes, the upwards gaze of Liam and the gentle touch and protectiveness of Connor that they display in their photos is all because of you.

We miss you so much.  I haven't written in awhile and I am sorry for that.  You know you are always in our hearts.  It has been a busy fall and we have continued to honor and remember you.  We walked for the third time in the CJ Foundation's Strides for babies.  Thanks to the generosity of many friends and family, we raised over $6K for SIDS research.  It was sad to be there yet again and see more new faces, knowing another baby was taken too soon.

We also went to the third remembrance mass at our church for families that have lost children.  It's amazing how much the pain of loosing you hits me sometimes.  So much has changed since you left us for heaven but so much has stayed the same.  At the mass, Connor was now old enough and mature enough to announce your name when we reached the alter.  2 years ago he was just shy of 5 years old and would have never done that.  Now just shy of 7 he is turning into a protective and loving young boy.  He misses you so much and is so caring because of you.  Liam held tight to the rose they gave us and handled it with such care.  Just like he did for you and continues to do for your sister.  I couldn't hold back the tears at mass and relied on the strength of your loving father to hold me up.  Hearing your name read and viewing your beautiful smile on the alter in our favorite photos hurt this month just as much as it did in 2012.  I miss you sweet bear.

The night after we returned from the mass, Liam woke up crying a few hours later.  I immediately thought it was because of the emotional pain of the night.  Unfortunately it was that with a BAD case of croup.  He was really struggling for breaths so Jim rushed him to the ER.  They kept him over night even after his oxygen levels increased with the medicine.  I didn't sleep a wink thinking that he was in the same ER we brought you too.  I now realize I have some PTSD and need to address it because unfortunately I will have to face tough times like that with your brothers and sisters. Jim and I are seeing a new therapist who specializes in EMDR for patients who have PTSD and severe grief.

Owen you are always with us and going into the holidays a part of my heart is so heavy thinking about facing another "joyful season" without you.  Though, I know I just need to quiet my thoughts and life and just sit and feel the love of you and the love of God around me.  You are always in my heart.  You are sooo sooo loved and don't ever forget that.

Love you sweet bear.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Outer space camp out chats

Dear Owen,

Tonight your dad took your brothers to best buy to do guy things while I put your sister to bed.  They played video games, bought a printer etc.  all the things that bore me! 

So they got home late and as they were going to bed in a camp out in the guest room, they started talking about space.  So many questions, such a cute conversation to listen in on.  Unfortunately I couldn't help but think you should be there in the mix.  2.5 years old, listening in, doing boy things with the boys.  

I am so grateful to God for blessing our family with your sister.  She literally saved me.  But I can't help but think back to the 5 months or so I had with you in my belly, knowing you were a boy and the 5 months we had with you as our third son, and remember how excited I was to have a family of three boys.  Polar opposite of the family of three girls I grew up in.

God has blessed our family so much but I still can't wait till I meet him in heaven to ask why.  Why God did you take my third son for your own and leave me broken hearted?

Miss you more than ever.

You were missed tonight in the little playground in town.  Here's your brothers trying to throw each other off.  I didn't grab a picture when your sister was on it too but when she was, the fourth seat sat empty.  Oh how we missed you.  

Love,

Your one and only Mom

One less toddler almost preschooler this year

Dear Owen,

Today your oldest brother started first grade! First grade! He looks like a third grader!

I couldn't help but think you should be here, hugging him goodbye and waving bye to the bus and saying "bus, bus" like all little boys obsessed with modes of transportation.  

Your sister was sure sad to see him go...

Your middle brother didn't seem too disturbed.  Probably because he know he starts school in a few weeks.

Everyone has posted all week about missing their kids going off to school or being overjoyed that their kids were headed off to school.  Honestly, I wish I could feel either for you.  I wish I could feel something other than pure pain.  Pure anguish.  I am overjoyed that Connor is happy, healthy and excited to start a new year of school.  Though, I hate that I have to pull his teacher aside and tell her about you and our family, so she doesn't question him or wonder when he introduces himself saying he has two brothers and a sister but one brother lives in heaven.

A dear friend who also belongs to this awful bereaved parents club sent this to me tonight. It captured all of the feelings I go through as we start another school tear.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/08/one-less-second-grader/

Please, remember as you start this new year, I and many others like myself, rejoice and cry. Some only cry too because they lost their only child.  Please remember Owen and any other child tht will never have a first day of any grade.  Please say Owens name.  It brings joy to my heart and a smile to my face.  Owen lived! He existed! And he continues to exist in our lives.

Owen I love you and miss you.  We all miss you. 

Love you to heaven and back.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

2 years to the minute

Dear Owen,

Two years ago to the minute I put you to bed for the last time.  I just put your little sister to bed exhausted from a day at the beach and pool.  Why why why didn't you wake up??? Your sister blew you a kiss in heaven and so did I as I laid her down to sleep.

Owen I miss you more than ever.  There is always a missing piece of my heart and our family.  

I love you more than ever.  I can't wait to hold you again.  Thank you for teaching me so many things.  

Love you sweet bear.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

One of our first pictures of you.  You were the cutest newborn ever. Xoxox