One less toddler almost preschooler this year

Dear Owen,

Today your oldest brother started first grade! First grade! He looks like a third grader!

I couldn't help but think you should be here, hugging him goodbye and waving bye to the bus and saying "bus, bus" like all little boys obsessed with modes of transportation.  

Your sister was sure sad to see him go...

Your middle brother didn't seem too disturbed.  Probably because he know he starts school in a few weeks.

Everyone has posted all week about missing their kids going off to school or being overjoyed that their kids were headed off to school.  Honestly, I wish I could feel either for you.  I wish I could feel something other than pure pain.  Pure anguish.  I am overjoyed that Connor is happy, healthy and excited to start a new year of school.  Though, I hate that I have to pull his teacher aside and tell her about you and our family, so she doesn't question him or wonder when he introduces himself saying he has two brothers and a sister but one brother lives in heaven.

A dear friend who also belongs to this awful bereaved parents club sent this to me tonight. It captured all of the feelings I go through as we start another school tear.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/08/one-less-second-grader/

Please, remember as you start this new year, I and many others like myself, rejoice and cry. Some only cry too because they lost their only child.  Please remember Owen and any other child tht will never have a first day of any grade.  Please say Owens name.  It brings joy to my heart and a smile to my face.  Owen lived! He existed! And he continues to exist in our lives.

Owen I love you and miss you.  We all miss you. 

Love you to heaven and back.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

2 years to the minute

Dear Owen,

Two years ago to the minute I put you to bed for the last time.  I just put your little sister to bed exhausted from a day at the beach and pool.  Why why why didn't you wake up??? Your sister blew you a kiss in heaven and so did I as I laid her down to sleep.

Owen I miss you more than ever.  There is always a missing piece of my heart and our family.  

I love you more than ever.  I can't wait to hold you again.  Thank you for teaching me so many things.  

Love you sweet bear.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

One of our first pictures of you.  You were the cutest newborn ever. Xoxox

Answers we may never find

Dear Owen,

How you doing Sunshine?  Today marks the first day of my least favorite month...JULY.  I use to love July.  It signaled summer, fun, warmth, no school, swimming, the beach etc.  All the things I loved in life.

Now, it just starts the countdown to the worst day of my life.  July 12.  Then, the rest of the month reminds me of the grueling first few weeks after you left us here on earth.

The good news is that your dad and I just got off the phone with Dr. Hannah Kinney from Boston Children's Hospital who is also a research professor at Harvard.

Dr. Kinney's Bio

She is the lead researcher on SIDS.  She is the doctor that came out with the study that a low level of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which regulates breathing, heart rate and blood pressure during sleep, could be the reason behind SIDS.

Hormone Deficiency Explanation

We discussed your case at length and the numerous experts in the field who consulted on it.  She spoke directly with Dr. Sanders from Boston Children's who reviewed the medical examiners report where he said you had an issue with your heart.  She explained it all simply saying "you know what, 4 expert pediatric pathologists came up with many different explanations and still couldn't come to an agreement.  you know what, that means Owen's death SHOULD have been classified as SIDS or SUID.  No one knows and I know it is SO unsatisfying".

We further discussed how frustrating it is that medical examiners since the 1990s have tried to come up with something other than SIDS as a COD on a death certificate.  Unfortunately, a diagnostic drift has happened since the occurrence of SIDS has gone down but the increase in other reasons has gone up.  This is so frustrating Owen because it stops funding from going to SIDS and the whole back to sleep campaign looks like a winner.  I am sure the back to sleep campaign has helped some children avoid accidental death but you were found on your BACK!  I just pray that before I join you in heaven I know WHY or at least have done everything I can to help try and figure out WHY you weren't meant to live out your earthly life for longer than 5 months.

So we are embarking on this journey with Dr. Kinney and her team.  We are enrolling you and the rest of our family in her study.  We will never get an answer directly on YOU but we know that any study or research she creates will be in part because of you.

I sat here in my office at work talking with Dr. Kinney and her team and just cried and cried as I listened to her explain her study and talk about you.  It brought me back to the day at the hospital in NJ where the doctor told me there was no hope for you and there was no hope to donate your organs like I wanted to after I knew there was no hope for you.  I was broken.  I am broken.  But I have faith.  I have faith that your dad and I along with your siblings WILL find happiness and WILL be reunited with you again.

Owen, you are my TRUE sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are grey.  YOU WILL NEVER KNOW DEAR HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.  Damn God, why did you take my sunshine away?

I love you always Owen.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Celebrate life

Dear Owen,

Thank you for reminding me to celebrate life.  More specifically your baby sister's life.  More to come on this but thank you for watching over her for the past year since she was born.  As much as it hurts to not be able to celebrate your life here on earth we are reminded by you, God and all of the great family and friends around us to celebrate what we still have with us here on earth.  We still have a beautiful daughter who turned one today who has been blessed to have an angel big brother watching over her from heaven.  I truly believe she was sent as a gift from God because she really saved me.

Owen your spirit lives on in her.  I see it all the time.  She hugs like an old soul.  

Thank you for sending a sign.  Here's a big hug for you from your baby sister.

I love you more than you will ever know and I can't wait to hold you again and never let you go.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

Woke up to the sound of sweet thunder

Dear Owen,

I haven't heard thunder in so long.  It was a long long winter. Thunderstorms remind me of you because after your left us on earth there were tremendous thunderstorms all summer. Your uncle Matt and I would always talk about how it was you in heaven letting us know you were ok.  I woke up to the sound of sweet thunder today and I sit here in bed and smile at 5:45am knowing you are ok.  You have to be.  Thank you sweet God for making thunder, lightening and rain.  It's like music to my heart now.  So sweet.

Miss you more than you will ever know.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

Mother's Day & the 12th again

Dear Owen,

Happy 2 year 3 month birthday!  Can't believe you would be 27 months!  27 months since one of the best 4 days of my life.  Unfortunately it has also been 22 months since the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.  Hands down.  It's both a blessing and a curse that the 12th is the day you were born on and the day you died on.  I know you are in heaven smiling down though and you have blessed us with yet again another sunny day.

I felt your spirit with us all weekend.  It was a beautifully sunny weekend.  My birthday was on Friday and I still find it hard to CELEBRATE without you here.  I still have that sense that someone is missing, as much as I know your spirit still lives on.

Your father is still struggling, probably more than he has in awhile.  We are trying to work through it but it's been rough.  Seeing Reilly grow into this littler girl is such a blessing but I think it's also a curse because we realize how much we missed out on with you.

Yesterday we went to church.  We were upset to find the tree they had planted for you looks like it didn't survive the winter.  There weren't any buds on it and everything else in town is in full bloom.  Fortunately your tree in our backyard looks beautiful.  After church we went to brunch and then visited your resting place.  I completely lost it when I saw two new small graves in your row.  Two new babies have joined you in God's hands in the last few weeks.  Abigail and Hailey.  It broke my heart to see this.  You are not buried in a special baby section so this was the first time we saw new infant graves.  Both girls were born in 2014 and passed in 2014.  Recently, there was also a young man, Philip, in college who was buried right across from you.  A tragic hit and run accident.  He was a track star and the only child of his parents.  Last night, as I reflected on MY journey as a mother, I wrote a letter to the parents of Abigail, Hailey and Philip.  I figured since it was mother's day it was a nice time to reach out to other grieving mothers.  I am going to seal them in a plastic bag and leave them at the grave site.  I have no clue if the mothers will reach out to me but I feel like what helped me the most in those first months after you left me was chatting with other mothers that have unfortunately walked this terrible road.

Though, I also reflected last night on how blessed I am as a mother.  I have had the opportunity to birth and hold 4 beautiful, healthy children.  Fortunately 3 are still thriving with me here on earth and there is so much love and joy in their lives.  I have to remind myself to pick myself out of bed every morning because as much as I want to feel sorry for myself for loosing you, I have them here with me.  I know we will all be together one day.  I don't know when that will be but when it comes, it will be joyous.  I know you are in heaven looking after your two older siblings that we lost through miscarriage before Connor was born.

Last week I visited a close friend who recently experienced a still birth.  I so wanted to be there for her because out of all our friends, I feel like i can relate the most.  I was amazed at how much anxiety I felt, standing outside of her apartment building.  It almost put me back to July 2012.  She is a dear friend who your dad and I have both known for over 18 years.  It broke my heart to see another woman, especially a close friend, suffering.  I am amazed at her strength.  I am so happy she is blessed with two living children.  Owen, please look after her son.  Show him the ropes in heaven and introduce him to all of the other angel babies you know!

Last week I also went to a mother's day celebration at Liam's school.  It was beautiful.  Though, I was the mom that lost it completely.  One of his teachers was busy taking pictures all year and put together a beautiful video.  She told me to look out for a few pictures of Liam because right over his shoulder was a white orb.  It's a Catholic school so I know they are more religious but I was so touched that she noticed that.  She believes it's Owen hanging out with his big brother.  I believe it is too.  That touched my heart so much and then as we proceeded to watch the video, You Are My Sunshine was one of the songs on the video.  I couldn't stop crying and holding Liam as I watched all of these beautiful photos of Liam growing with his friends throughout the year.  I was so happy to share in those memories with Liam but again, so sad that I will NEVER be able to watch a video of you having a hunt for signs of new life outside after spring arrived or laughing with your buddies.  You have taught me through to appreciate the present because it truly is a gift.

Owen, you continue to bless my life in more ways than you ever know.  Who new that every major holiday I would spend time at a cemetery.  Who knew that I would be reaching out to complete strangers and holding their hands as they navigate this crazy journal of a bereaved mother.  I know I have been blessed to have bereaved mothers hold my hand through this journey and these are woman so close to my  heart now.

Owen, you light up my life and I can't wait to hold you again.  I am sorry I didn't hold you enough while you were here with us on earth.

Love you to heaven and back.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Happy 10 Month Birthday Reilly!

Dear Owen,

Today, your little sister is officially twice the age you were when you went to Heaven.  I can't believe it.  The last few days have been difficult to say the least.  Your dad and I were both a mess as she approached her 5 month birthday and I thought once I got past that point it wouldn't be as hard but unfortunately it is.  It probably will be with every milestone.

She is growing out of being a baby and growing into being a toddler.  I feel like her time as a baby was rushed because I was so eager for her to LIVE.  I am so happy for her and she is simply a joy.  Though, my heart continues to break for every first she has that you didn't get to have.  She is sitting up, pulling up, cruising, saying Mama and Baba.  I wonder what your voice would have sounded like?  You had the most contagious laugh.  Your brothers always ask me to "rank the babies".  Who cried the most in the car in order?  Liam, Connor, Reilly and then Owen.  Who was the biggest baby?  Reilly, Connor, Owen and then Liam.  Who liked the bath the most?  Owen, Connor, Reilly and then Liam.  The lists go on and on.  It breaks my heart though when they ask "Who said Dada the earliest" and I can't add you to the comparison.

I was just doing some online shopping for your siblings because they need some summer stuff and I came across a sale on signs for the home.  You know the typical ones that say "Every family tree has a few nuts" or "Family is everything".  Though, this sale also had a lot of ones geared towards having a loved one in heaven...

- When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure
- We know you would be here today if heaven wasn't so far away
- Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory
- Your life was a blessing, your memory a treasure, you are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure
- One of the best ways to have a little bit of heaven in your home, is to have someone you love in heaven
- Treasured in my heart you will stay until we meet again someday
- It broke our hearts to lose you but you didn't go alone.  A part of us went with you, the day God took you home

Though I really believe all of these quotes, I am not sure I would ever hang them on a plaque in our house.  I am balling just sitting here reading them.  You know all of these phrases and I know part of my heart is with you in heaven.

Just this week a boy's mom Connor has become good friends with at his new school asked me if she could ask me a random question.  She whispers over to me "Who is Owen?".  I think the look on my face must have scared her.  I said "He is our 3rd son, Connor's little brother who passed away almost 2 years ago at 5 months old".  She was shocked.  She said she had heard Connor talk about his brother Owen all the time and wanted to bring it up to me because she thought Connor had an imaginary friend/brother.  I know she felt awful as we talked about your life but it also made me happy to know that Connor still talks about you all the time.

Liam still talks about you all the time too.  The other night he went to bed and woke up crying an hour later.  He just missed you he said.  He was asking all about you in heaven and wondering if he built a super big spaceship if we could go visit you.  If only we could.

Celebrating Reilly's 10 month birthday tonight we will be going as a family to Good Grief.  http://www.good-grief.org/  We have been going to this support group for over a year now.  It is geared to families that have lost a parent or sibling.  It is a great way for Connor and Liam to meet others who have lost as deeply as they have.  They have really formed a bond with two sisters, similar in ages, who also lost their brother and also recently had a new baby born into the family.  I am thankful they have found friends to connect with and can grow with who understand their confusion and lost.

Owen, I miss you every second of every day.  The other day I was listening to nursery rhymes with Reilly and You are My Sunshine came on, followed directly by Twinkle Twinkle.  Those were the two good night songs I sang to you. I literally could not stand I was crying so hard.  I just hugged your sister and dad and let it all out.  I find that these days I am generally ok most of the week but I still have those uncontrollable crying sessions about once a week.  I think and hope it's healthy to get all the pent up emotion out.  All the times I have to answer during the week "How many kids do you have?" or when they see me with your siblings and say "Thank goodness you didn't have 3 boys because I hear 3 boys is crazy".  F them.  I have 3 boys and it was crazy but it was amazingly joyful.  And I miss it every day.  I thank God for blessing us with Reilly and allowing us to raise a daughter as well as sons but I still miss "my three sons".

As we approach Easter this weekend, may you rejoice in the hands of Jesus and know you are also celebrating with us here on Earth.

Love you to the moon and back.

Here is your "little" sister.  She is getting so big.  Your spirit lives on in her. I am sure of that.

Love,
Your one and only Mom