This blog is dedicated to our little sunshine angel Owen. We named him Owen because it means little warrior and we knew he would have to be with two older brothers. He was our little sunshine and his heart stopped beating unexpectedly on his 5 month birthday. We are devastated by the loss of our little guy. Hopefully, this blog will give readers a sense of what a beautiful spirit he was, how he completed our family and will help to keep his memory alive. We hope this gives light into our grieving process and can help other families that suffer a similar tragic loss.
Merry 4th Christmas. I can't believe you are celebrating your fourth Christmas in the presence of the Lord. What a beautiful and magical place to be.
In church tonight we had a guest celebrant from another church. He was young, only 31, and spoke from the heart. He was so down to earth. He said he knows church is boring but we have to keep coming, not for ourselves but for our God. To thank him for all he has given us. He then went on to discuss how we don't know why God does things, blesses us with people or takes loved ones away from us. His ultimate point was that God loves us all and blesses us with so much and we should be thankful.
Oh Owen, I am so thankful for the time we spent with you. If only I had known it was going to end. There is so much I have to share with you. Tonight even though our priest's sermon was moving and full of hope and love, I was brought to tears many times tonight because my heart misses you.
The songs during Christmas mass always do it too me. Silent night....I think of the first night I came home after loosing you, it was so quiet. Though you were pretty much sleeping through the night, I wasn't woken with a happy giggle reminding me to feed you. So many songs just made me wish you were here with me.
Owen you are still and will always be a part of our family. We all, including Reilly, miss you each and every day. How I wish you were here tonight setting up the Santa trap with the boys and laying out the Christmas cookies for Santa.
Owen you are in the arms of Jesus and I can't wait to be with you one day.
Today you have been gone 3 years and 3 months and you would be 3 if you were here. It hit me like a can of worms as I listened to Zac Brown's Bittersweet tonight. It's bittersweet you see. I am here enjoying my life on earth with your three siblings but you're not here with me. I feel like Reilly is so close to Liam and adores him since he's her closest sibling in age here living with him. I look at her and see you and dream of what it would be like for the two of you two play together, 15 months apart in age. I see you in her.
Tonight out of no where she asked me to sing Owens song at bedtime. She must have known you were on my mind all day today. Then when I put her down she asked to kiss your picture an extra time.
I know your spirit lives on in all of us. I miss you every second. What would our life be like if you were still here with us?
Three boys they would say. Three boys I would smile.
As we approach your 3rd angelversary I came across this article on an open letter to the loved ones of a grieving mother. I read a lot of articles on still standings website because almost 3 years ago, I'm still standing. I thought this was appropriate because at times I feel like people think 3 years later we should be "healed". Unfortunately our heart break over loosing our son too soon will never be healed. It will just slowly, oh so slowly, start to hurt less.
Last night as we were played at the pool Reilly was roaring with laughter and I found myself smiling and truly happy. I haven't felt that way in so long. Then it hit me like a brick. I saw her look at a young boy, probably about your age, and she looked at him with such awe. You are gone. Reilly's closest sibling is not here. You are not here and we miss you so much. Approaching the 12th of his month gives me so might anxiety but I'm trying to look at it like another newly grieving mom is looking at the death of her son. You were just too perfect for this earth. God wanted to protect you so you never saw the hurt that goes on in this world.
So here's the post so all our loved ones know, as much as I want to go back to the old Carla, I will never be that same person. But please accept me, accept us for who we are now.
Love,
Your one and only Mom
An Open Letter to the Loved Ones of a Grieving Mother
I know you mean well. I believe you. I 100% believe you have the best intentions for her. She isn’t the same person and that probably scares you. You think of her before her (and your) loss, and you might wonder why things aren’t going back to the way they were.
You try and fix her broken heart by telling her things that you would think would make it all better, or in the past make her smile.
Somehow your words of comfort aren’t doing the trick. She might even be pushing you away. I beg you – don’t take it personal.
She hardly knows what to do with her own bazillion emotions, much less yours. So she isn’t trying to hurt you, but she also might not have the best ways of expressing just how much she still needs you.
You miss her laughter.
You miss her jokes and conversation about trivial things.
You want to remember her child with her, but somehow – to you – it might seem like she’s taking it a little far.
I’m here to ask you to leave her alone. No, don’t walk out on her. That’s not what I am talking about. Quite the opposite.
Let her go a little crazy. (She’s not crazy, by the way.) She is grieving the death of her child. She is the only person in the entire history of the universe that feels the full impact of this loss.
Study the things that become suddenly important to her.
Online blogs, forums, support groups, angels, wings, feathers, butterflies, certain jewelry pieces, songs, colors, places. Don’t stop obsessing over why you fell in love with her in the first place.
She’s still in there. I promise.
She is doing her absolute best to mend her own heart but no one handed her the manual on how this was going to happen when the casket was lowered.
She’s winging it, just like you are. And you love her, so trust me when I say I’m on your side too.
She sheds a thousand tears a day, and you might be lucky to spot a few. She knows you’re quite tired of her sadness. She knows that you care, but she is also tired of seeing you exasperated when you realize you can’t fix her.
She hasn’t stopped crying. She just cries more when you’re not around.
So instead of trying to fix her sadness the next time, just listen. Nothing you can say or do or buy can make her pain any less painful.
She isn’t crying so that you will fix her, she’s crying because she can’t help it. It actually has nothing to do with you.
You might notice her go from sad to depressed to completely angry and back to sad in a day. I know it’s scary to watch someone we love become someone we hardly recognize anymore, but the things she need more than anything is your unconditional and demonstrative love and support. She needs to know she is safe, no matter where she lands.
And we aren’t forgetting about your pain too, because while she is breaking into a million pieces, you too, are bearing the pain and weight of this loss, and to top that off maybe even a little misplaced, self-induced guilt for not being able to make her feel better.
Admitting just how devastating this all has been for you too, can be a constructive way to reunite after loss. Consider opening up to her.
Above all else, support her. In her anger, in her sadness, in her depression, in her lonely spells, in her confusion, in her wandering, in her distance and in her closeness. There are few things that hinder healing more than judgment from loved ones.
She will make it through this to the other side.
She won’t always be bombarded by the most intense pain that new grief delivers on a regular basis, but she will never be quite the same.
I just spent the last weekend out in California with your tante Michelle you knew so well. It was supposed to be her baby shower but your little cousin decided to enter the world 7 weeks early so I caught to meet her! Baby F is doing so well considering. She's breathing on her own and just has to master feeding but then she will be going home. She's been in the nicu for over 3 weeks now.
Over the four days I was there, there were some babies in the nicu that never received visitors. It was so heart breaking. I kept thinking that all I want is for you to be here with us and here are babies alive, fighting for their lives and their parents are no where around. I just wanted to scoop them up and cuddle them and tell them they are so very loved.
Babies that young are so very helpless and are just trying to figure out this world and need and want to be loved. It was so sad to see them all alone fighting for their lives. Why do people who don't want their children still have them?
Owen you were so very strong and healthy and big and so very very loved. I guess you never know what life will give you.
I pray tonight for the health and strength of my little niece and for all the babies in the nicu. For all babies everywhere that they are loved and protected. I wish more than anything parents would appreciate all children, especially those little babies fighting for every breath and feed. I hope and pray these babies are loved and protected. They didn't choose this world and it is our job to love and protect them. I wish more than anything I could give every one of those babies the warm loving arms of all my angel mom friends who I know would give anything to hold their Angels again.
Owen watch over your baby cousin and I ask God to protect her and give her strength and know she is so very loved. She's one lucky lady to have an angel like you as a big cousin.
Love you more than ever and miss your sweet sweet smile.
Yes, yes, I know. It is not OFFICIALLY your birthday but we are a few hours from the clock striking midnight and I wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy 3rd birthday.
I sit here "trying" to work and can't take my mind off of you. We are trying to plan our "Owen Day" but it is proving more difficult this year since your sister and I came down with the flu. We are still going to try and stick to our original plan but since we are both pretty sick, not sure how it will turn out.
You should be here. You should be getting ready for preschool. We should be signing you up for your first year in YMS soccer. You should be potty trained. You should be talking up a storm and getting into trouble with your little sister and big brothers.
On this earth, I will never understand why you left us all too soon but I hope when I am reunited with you and God, I will know "his plan". You are enrolled in a study to learn more on SIDS and maybe that will one day point to why, what happened, why you stopped breathing.
I think I am finding this birthday to be harder than the 2nd. Maybe it is because I see your sister growing up and realize you are not. Maybe it is because the 3rd year has some big milestones. Maybe it is because it is further out and more and more people have forgotten and we don't have their support. Who knows. It's just hard. I hear that in grief it will ebb and flow. Well, this is one of those times I feel the pain so much.
Though, I still feel your light and your joy. You live on. You live on in each of us. You have taught me to be a better mother. I am SO much more patient with your sister than I ever was with you and your brothers. I am SO much more loving with your siblings than I was before. Before you died, I was always so concerned with how I would get everything done. Now I just sit, relax and enjoy each and every breathe we take together.
You have taught Liam and Connor to be compassionate and loving brothers. They are so gentle and protective with Reilly. They speak of you often and are proud of you. They love you more than you will ever know.
Owen, I would give anything to have you here tomorrow. To have you blow out your candles. Reilly has been building fake cakes with her legos and singing Happy Birthday to you. Your memory lives on in all of us in our hearts and in our souls. You are always with us. We will celebrate as a family tomorrow your beautiful birth.
Happy Birthday my sweet bear. You made us a party of five and you will always be our 5th family member.
Where has the time gone? It's been 2.5 years to the day since I saw your beautiful smile. It feels like forever. I now view my life as before you died and after you died. Your sister is a spitting image of you, except with hazel eyes and a firecracker personality.
We should be prepping for your big three year old birthday party. Instead, we are trying to plan how we will celebrate your third birthday without you.
There are some days where I manage to smile most of the day. You have taught me to appreciate life, even the littlest of things. I now sit and play with your siblings without thinking of all the things I should get up and do. Though those times are often met with smiles, I often spark a tear in my eye wondering what it would be like with you here and having four children to play with. Would you and Reilly be best beds since you are closest in age or would you and your big brothers play Legos and hockey endlessly? Would you be sensitive like Connor or a jokester like Liam? Would you give away your treats to your siblings like Liam or would you hide them for yourself like Connor?
What I would give to know you and how you would be at 35 months old. 35 is a number I now hate. You died when I was 35 years old. 35 was the worst year of my life. 35. You should be 35 months old. Not forever 5 months.
Owen my heart broke the other night when your brothers came back from good grief with their wish boxes. I stayed home with Reilly because I was sick. They both showed me the beautiful boxes they created. They both had two simple wishes. 1 - you would come back to life and 2 - they could get a puppy.
I wish I could make their dreams come true. I wish my dreams would come true. For now I'll just have to settle on you living in my dreams. I haven't seen you in my dreams in so long. Probably because I barely sleep and don't dream. My heart is broken.
I love you more than ever. The snow falls and reminds me of your birth month. I wait for it to arrive with a pain that is oh so familiar.
I love you my sweet bear. Grief has no path, no boundaries and no end. Just an acceptance and a learning curve.
Love,
Your one and only mom
The plaque at your tree at our church. This was our memory of you on Christmas Eve mass.
Your siblings and your cousins over Christmas break. You should be in this picture. 6 Gerster cousins. Why why why God?
We love you with all our hearts Owen. You are my soul.
Today your little sister has officially lived a year longer than you did. She is 17 months old today. I cherish every minute I have with her. She is running, laughing, showing her independence. So many things she does I sit in pure amazement staring at her. She is a gift from God. Though, I can't help but wonder what she would be like if you were still here. What would you two do to hang with the older boys? How would you play together? Reilly loves to dance and I just have sweet visions of the two of you rocking it out together.
You two look so much alike. I see your soul in her. I see you in Connor and Liam too. We recently took pictures with a good old friend and it broke my heart to not see you physically in the photos with your brothers and sister. I So was so upset after realizing I didn't have an "Owen token' in the photo. Your dad reassured me after that you are always with us and with them and they are who they are today because of you. So even though you aren't physically in the photo, the wonder in Reilly's eyes, the upwards gaze of Liam and the gentle touch and protectiveness of Connor that they display in their photos is all because of you.
We miss you so much. I haven't written in awhile and I am sorry for that. You know you are always in our hearts. It has been a busy fall and we have continued to honor and remember you. We walked for the third time in the CJ Foundation's Strides for babies. Thanks to the generosity of many friends and family, we raised over $6K for SIDS research. It was sad to be there yet again and see more new faces, knowing another baby was taken too soon.
We also went to the third remembrance mass at our church for families that have lost children. It's amazing how much the pain of loosing you hits me sometimes. So much has changed since you left us for heaven but so much has stayed the same. At the mass, Connor was now old enough and mature enough to announce your name when we reached the alter. 2 years ago he was just shy of 5 years old and would have never done that. Now just shy of 7 he is turning into a protective and loving young boy. He misses you so much and is so caring because of you. Liam held tight to the rose they gave us and handled it with such care. Just like he did for you and continues to do for your sister. I couldn't hold back the tears at mass and relied on the strength of your loving father to hold me up. Hearing your name read and viewing your beautiful smile on the alter in our favorite photos hurt this month just as much as it did in 2012. I miss you sweet bear.
The night after we returned from the mass, Liam woke up crying a few hours later. I immediately thought it was because of the emotional pain of the night. Unfortunately it was that with a BAD case of croup. He was really struggling for breaths so Jim rushed him to the ER. They kept him over night even after his oxygen levels increased with the medicine. I didn't sleep a wink thinking that he was in the same ER we brought you too. I now realize I have some PTSD and need to address it because unfortunately I will have to face tough times like that with your brothers and sisters. Jim and I are seeing a new therapist who specializes in EMDR for patients who have PTSD and severe grief.
Owen you are always with us and going into the holidays a part of my heart is so heavy thinking about facing another "joyful season" without you. Though, I know I just need to quiet my thoughts and life and just sit and feel the love of you and the love of God around me. You are always in my heart. You are sooo sooo loved and don't ever forget that.
Tonight your dad took your brothers to best buy to do guy things while I put your sister to bed. They played video games, bought a printer etc. all the things that bore me!
So they got home late and as they were going to bed in a camp out in the guest room, they started talking about space. So many questions, such a cute conversation to listen in on. Unfortunately I couldn't help but think you should be there in the mix. 2.5 years old, listening in, doing boy things with the boys.
I am so grateful to God for blessing our family with your sister. She literally saved me. But I can't help but think back to the 5 months or so I had with you in my belly, knowing you were a boy and the 5 months we had with you as our third son, and remember how excited I was to have a family of three boys. Polar opposite of the family of three girls I grew up in.
God has blessed our family so much but I still can't wait till I meet him in heaven to ask why. Why God did you take my third son for your own and leave me broken hearted?
Miss you more than ever.
You were missed tonight in the little playground in town. Here's your brothers trying to throw each other off. I didn't grab a picture when your sister was on it too but when she was, the fourth seat sat empty. Oh how we missed you.
Today your oldest brother started first grade! First grade! He looks like a third grader!
I couldn't help but think you should be here, hugging him goodbye and waving bye to the bus and saying "bus, bus" like all little boys obsessed with modes of transportation.
Your sister was sure sad to see him go...
Your middle brother didn't seem too disturbed. Probably because he know he starts school in a few weeks.
Everyone has posted all week about missing their kids going off to school or being overjoyed that their kids were headed off to school. Honestly, I wish I could feel either for you. I wish I could feel something other than pure pain. Pure anguish. I am overjoyed that Connor is happy, healthy and excited to start a new year of school. Though, I hate that I have to pull his teacher aside and tell her about you and our family, so she doesn't question him or wonder when he introduces himself saying he has two brothers and a sister but one brother lives in heaven.
A dear friend who also belongs to this awful bereaved parents club sent this to me tonight. It captured all of the feelings I go through as we start another school tear.
Please, remember as you start this new year, I and many others like myself, rejoice and cry. Some only cry too because they lost their only child. Please remember Owen and any other child tht will never have a first day of any grade. Please say Owens name. It brings joy to my heart and a smile to my face. Owen lived! He existed! And he continues to exist in our lives.
Two years ago to the minute I put you to bed for the last time. I just put your little sister to bed exhausted from a day at the beach and pool. Why why why didn't you wake up??? Your sister blew you a kiss in heaven and so did I as I laid her down to sleep.
Owen I miss you more than ever. There is always a missing piece of my heart and our family.
I love you more than ever. I can't wait to hold you again. Thank you for teaching me so many things.
Love you sweet bear.
Love,
Your one and only Mom
One of our first pictures of you. You were the cutest newborn ever. Xoxox
How you doing Sunshine? Today marks the first day of my least favorite month...JULY. I use to love July. It signaled summer, fun, warmth, no school, swimming, the beach etc. All the things I loved in life.
Now, it just starts the countdown to the worst day of my life. July 12. Then, the rest of the month reminds me of the grueling first few weeks after you left us here on earth.
The good news is that your dad and I just got off the phone with Dr. Hannah Kinney from Boston Children's Hospital who is also a research professor at Harvard.
She is the lead researcher on SIDS. She is the doctor that came out with the study that a low level of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which regulates breathing, heart rate and blood pressure during sleep, could be the reason behind SIDS.
We discussed your case at length and the numerous experts in the field who consulted on it. She spoke directly with Dr. Sanders from Boston Children's who reviewed the medical examiners report where he said you had an issue with your heart. She explained it all simply saying "you know what, 4 expert pediatric pathologists came up with many different explanations and still couldn't come to an agreement. you know what, that means Owen's death SHOULD have been classified as SIDS or SUID. No one knows and I know it is SO unsatisfying".
We further discussed how frustrating it is that medical examiners since the 1990s have tried to come up with something other than SIDS as a COD on a death certificate. Unfortunately, a diagnostic drift has happened since the occurrence of SIDS has gone down but the increase in other reasons has gone up. This is so frustrating Owen because it stops funding from going to SIDS and the whole back to sleep campaign looks like a winner. I am sure the back to sleep campaign has helped some children avoid accidental death but you were found on your BACK! I just pray that before I join you in heaven I know WHY or at least have done everything I can to help try and figure out WHY you weren't meant to live out your earthly life for longer than 5 months.
So we are embarking on this journey with Dr. Kinney and her team. We are enrolling you and the rest of our family in her study. We will never get an answer directly on YOU but we know that any study or research she creates will be in part because of you.
I sat here in my office at work talking with Dr. Kinney and her team and just cried and cried as I listened to her explain her study and talk about you. It brought me back to the day at the hospital in NJ where the doctor told me there was no hope for you and there was no hope to donate your organs like I wanted to after I knew there was no hope for you. I was broken. I am broken. But I have faith. I have faith that your dad and I along with your siblings WILL find happiness and WILL be reunited with you again.
Owen, you are my TRUE sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW DEAR HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. Damn God, why did you take my sunshine away?
Thank you for reminding me to celebrate life. More specifically your baby sister's life. More to come on this but thank you for watching over her for the past year since she was born. As much as it hurts to not be able to celebrate your life here on earth we are reminded by you, God and all of the great family and friends around us to celebrate what we still have with us here on earth. We still have a beautiful daughter who turned one today who has been blessed to have an angel big brother watching over her from heaven. I truly believe she was sent as a gift from God because she really saved me.
Owen your spirit lives on in her. I see it all the time. She hugs like an old soul.
Thank you for sending a sign. Here's a big hug for you from your baby sister.
I love you more than you will ever know and I can't wait to hold you again and never let you go.
I haven't heard thunder in so long. It was a long long winter. Thunderstorms remind me of you because after your left us on earth there were tremendous thunderstorms all summer. Your uncle Matt and I would always talk about how it was you in heaven letting us know you were ok. I woke up to the sound of sweet thunder today and I sit here in bed and smile at 5:45am knowing you are ok. You have to be. Thank you sweet God for making thunder, lightening and rain. It's like music to my heart now. So sweet.
Happy 2 year 3 month birthday! Can't believe you would be 27 months! 27 months since one of the best 4 days of my life. Unfortunately it has also been 22 months since the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. Hands down. It's both a blessing and a curse that the 12th is the day you were born on and the day you died on. I know you are in heaven smiling down though and you have blessed us with yet again another sunny day.
I felt your spirit with us all weekend. It was a beautifully sunny weekend. My birthday was on Friday and I still find it hard to CELEBRATE without you here. I still have that sense that someone is missing, as much as I know your spirit still lives on.
Your father is still struggling, probably more than he has in awhile. We are trying to work through it but it's been rough. Seeing Reilly grow into this littler girl is such a blessing but I think it's also a curse because we realize how much we missed out on with you.
Yesterday we went to church. We were upset to find the tree they had planted for you looks like it didn't survive the winter. There weren't any buds on it and everything else in town is in full bloom. Fortunately your tree in our backyard looks beautiful. After church we went to brunch and then visited your resting place. I completely lost it when I saw two new small graves in your row. Two new babies have joined you in God's hands in the last few weeks. Abigail and Hailey. It broke my heart to see this. You are not buried in a special baby section so this was the first time we saw new infant graves. Both girls were born in 2014 and passed in 2014. Recently, there was also a young man, Philip, in college who was buried right across from you. A tragic hit and run accident. He was a track star and the only child of his parents. Last night, as I reflected on MY journey as a mother, I wrote a letter to the parents of Abigail, Hailey and Philip. I figured since it was mother's day it was a nice time to reach out to other grieving mothers. I am going to seal them in a plastic bag and leave them at the grave site. I have no clue if the mothers will reach out to me but I feel like what helped me the most in those first months after you left me was chatting with other mothers that have unfortunately walked this terrible road.
Though, I also reflected last night on how blessed I am as a mother. I have had the opportunity to birth and hold 4 beautiful, healthy children. Fortunately 3 are still thriving with me here on earth and there is so much love and joy in their lives. I have to remind myself to pick myself out of bed every morning because as much as I want to feel sorry for myself for loosing you, I have them here with me. I know we will all be together one day. I don't know when that will be but when it comes, it will be joyous. I know you are in heaven looking after your two older siblings that we lost through miscarriage before Connor was born.
Last week I visited a close friend who recently experienced a still birth. I so wanted to be there for her because out of all our friends, I feel like i can relate the most. I was amazed at how much anxiety I felt, standing outside of her apartment building. It almost put me back to July 2012. She is a dear friend who your dad and I have both known for over 18 years. It broke my heart to see another woman, especially a close friend, suffering. I am amazed at her strength. I am so happy she is blessed with two living children. Owen, please look after her son. Show him the ropes in heaven and introduce him to all of the other angel babies you know!
Last week I also went to a mother's day celebration at Liam's school. It was beautiful. Though, I was the mom that lost it completely. One of his teachers was busy taking pictures all year and put together a beautiful video. She told me to look out for a few pictures of Liam because right over his shoulder was a white orb. It's a Catholic school so I know they are more religious but I was so touched that she noticed that. She believes it's Owen hanging out with his big brother. I believe it is too. That touched my heart so much and then as we proceeded to watch the video, You Are My Sunshine was one of the songs on the video. I couldn't stop crying and holding Liam as I watched all of these beautiful photos of Liam growing with his friends throughout the year. I was so happy to share in those memories with Liam but again, so sad that I will NEVER be able to watch a video of you having a hunt for signs of new life outside after spring arrived or laughing with your buddies. You have taught me through to appreciate the present because it truly is a gift.
Owen, you continue to bless my life in more ways than you ever know. Who new that every major holiday I would spend time at a cemetery. Who knew that I would be reaching out to complete strangers and holding their hands as they navigate this crazy journal of a bereaved mother. I know I have been blessed to have bereaved mothers hold my hand through this journey and these are woman so close to my heart now.
Owen, you light up my life and I can't wait to hold you again. I am sorry I didn't hold you enough while you were here with us on earth.
Today, your little sister is officially twice the age you were when you went to Heaven. I can't believe it. The last few days have been difficult to say the least. Your dad and I were both a mess as she approached her 5 month birthday and I thought once I got past that point it wouldn't be as hard but unfortunately it is. It probably will be with every milestone.
She is growing out of being a baby and growing into being a toddler. I feel like her time as a baby was rushed because I was so eager for her to LIVE. I am so happy for her and she is simply a joy. Though, my heart continues to break for every first she has that you didn't get to have. She is sitting up, pulling up, cruising, saying Mama and Baba. I wonder what your voice would have sounded like? You had the most contagious laugh. Your brothers always ask me to "rank the babies". Who cried the most in the car in order? Liam, Connor, Reilly and then Owen. Who was the biggest baby? Reilly, Connor, Owen and then Liam. Who liked the bath the most? Owen, Connor, Reilly and then Liam. The lists go on and on. It breaks my heart though when they ask "Who said Dada the earliest" and I can't add you to the comparison.
I was just doing some online shopping for your siblings because they need some summer stuff and I came across a sale on signs for the home. You know the typical ones that say "Every family tree has a few nuts" or "Family is everything". Though, this sale also had a lot of ones geared towards having a loved one in heaven...
- When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure
- We know you would be here today if heaven wasn't so far away
- Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory
- Your life was a blessing, your memory a treasure, you are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure
- One of the best ways to have a little bit of heaven in your home, is to have someone you love in heaven
- Treasured in my heart you will stay until we meet again someday
- It broke our hearts to lose you but you didn't go alone. A part of us went with you, the day God took you home
Though I really believe all of these quotes, I am not sure I would ever hang them on a plaque in our house. I am balling just sitting here reading them. You know all of these phrases and I know part of my heart is with you in heaven.
Just this week a boy's mom Connor has become good friends with at his new school asked me if she could ask me a random question. She whispers over to me "Who is Owen?". I think the look on my face must have scared her. I said "He is our 3rd son, Connor's little brother who passed away almost 2 years ago at 5 months old". She was shocked. She said she had heard Connor talk about his brother Owen all the time and wanted to bring it up to me because she thought Connor had an imaginary friend/brother. I know she felt awful as we talked about your life but it also made me happy to know that Connor still talks about you all the time.
Liam still talks about you all the time too. The other night he went to bed and woke up crying an hour later. He just missed you he said. He was asking all about you in heaven and wondering if he built a super big spaceship if we could go visit you. If only we could.
Celebrating Reilly's 10 month birthday tonight we will be going as a family to Good Grief. http://www.good-grief.org/ We have been going to this support group for over a year now. It is geared to families that have lost a parent or sibling. It is a great way for Connor and Liam to meet others who have lost as deeply as they have. They have really formed a bond with two sisters, similar in ages, who also lost their brother and also recently had a new baby born into the family. I am thankful they have found friends to connect with and can grow with who understand their confusion and lost.
Owen, I miss you every second of every day. The other day I was listening to nursery rhymes with Reilly and You are My Sunshine came on, followed directly by Twinkle Twinkle. Those were the two good night songs I sang to you. I literally could not stand I was crying so hard. I just hugged your sister and dad and let it all out. I find that these days I am generally ok most of the week but I still have those uncontrollable crying sessions about once a week. I think and hope it's healthy to get all the pent up emotion out. All the times I have to answer during the week "How many kids do you have?" or when they see me with your siblings and say "Thank goodness you didn't have 3 boys because I hear 3 boys is crazy". F them. I have 3 boys and it was crazy but it was amazingly joyful. And I miss it every day. I thank God for blessing us with Reilly and allowing us to raise a daughter as well as sons but I still miss "my three sons".
As we approach Easter this weekend, may you rejoice in the hands of Jesus and know you are also celebrating with us here on Earth.
Love you to the moon and back.
Here is your "little" sister. She is getting so big. Your spirit lives on in her. I am sure of that.
Another 12th of the month passes without you here. Today you would have been 25 months old. Yes sounds weird but basically 2 years, 1 month. Instead, you aren't here and I have to spend another 12th of the month lighting your candle and staring at photos of your beautiful smile. You had the most infectious smile. Once you learned to smile, we always saw it.
Your sister is much more serious than you. To get her to smile it usually takes your brothers doing something silly. She's a thinker but also very rough and tumble. Some people say she has an old soul. Is that you living on in her?
Last night I had a total break down because I feel like I'm not doing enough to honor your life and memory. I'm still your mother and always will be and it pains me that I don't spend as much time "doing things" for you as I do for your siblings. I know I'm being very hard on myself considering everything going on in our lives but it's no excuse. I promise to try and honor you every day. If I can't do it in a grandiose way, ill do it on a smaller scale EVERY day. Whether it's stopping to smell the roses, enjoying the beauty of nature, enjoying the laughter of your siblings "wrestling" with Reilly saying they are "protecting the queen" or simply taking 5 minutes in the morning to pray to God for what I DO have and thanking Him for protecting you in heaven while I am still here on earth. I always tell new SIDS parents I meet (I hate that I meet them so often because it means another baby died of unknown reasons) to be gentle on themselves. The ironic thing is I stopped being gentle on myself a few weeks after you died. I still continue to question WHY I couldn't protect you though I KNOW there is no stopping SIDS. I still beat myself up for not starting an annual fundraiser in your honor to start building your park. The honest truth is I am barely holding it all together and I am just STILL doing the minimum just to function. Holding down a full time job while being a parent and wife is all I can really fester these days. I just have to be gentle on myself though and know that in time, I will gather the strength to do it all.
Owen I think about you every day. We all think about you every day. Connor woke up last night at 10pm crying which he never does! We asked what was wrong and he simply said "I miss my little brother". We have struggled with a few behavioral things with him lately and this simple statement reminded me that he has been through more than any young child should ever have to go through. He has seen his brother being wisked out of the house lifeless and then being buried. This is too much for even me a grown adult to take so I can't imagine how much it is for him to absorb. As he grows older and learns more about the truths of life, his grieving for Owen will evolve too and we have to continue to nurture his feelings. The other day they did a project at his enrichment program where they had to write how many people they had in their family. I could see that Connor had written 6 and then erased it and put 5. I asked him about his project and he said his teacher told him after he wrote 6 (and she knows all about you Owen) that if he didn't want to write 6 he could write 5. I was so livid! Who is this women to question what a 6 year old writes about his family! Owen I'm glad God granted me the patience to not go off on this woman!!! I shead a lot of tears over this but realized she has no clue what it is like to loose a child so I shouldn't punish her.
I am happy to report that Liam seems to be doing really well. I think going to a catholic school has been great for him. He has a connection with heaven and you. I think he is at peace knowing up are in the hands of God and other loved ones we know that have passed.
Your little sister is growing up so fast and as exciting and beautiful as it is, it often pains me because I missed all these firsts with you. She commando crawls everywhere and I just have passing visions of what it would be like to have a toddler running around with this commando crawler.
Owen you have shaped my life and your smile lights up my heart anytime I am overwhelmed with grief. I know you are smiling down on us and I know I will see you again.
I can't believe it's been 2 years since you were born. I still remember the exact moments of the day and how I kept thinking I wasn't in labor and sure enough, I was and you were born less than an hour after I arrived at the hospital. I remember thinking you were the cutest newborn ever. You were perfect. 8 lbs 1 oz, in between the two weights of your older brothers. You are perfect. You just aren't here. That is not perfect.
Today was extremely hard. Yesterday driving home from work realizing that I was done with work and now had I gave your birthday, I lost it. Bad. Real bad. Last night I cried like it was yesterday that you left us for heaven. I am so angry at God. I try and think God is great and he helps the sorrowful etc but I'm angry. Why are you not here with us blowing out two candles?!
Today we spent the day as a family. We took your three siblings to their biannual cardiologist check up. The cardiologist we take them too is pretty far away so we chose to do it today in honor of you. If only we had seen him when you were here, would you be here? Argh. All the what ifs.
We then took the family to the please touch museum in Philly. I remember it like it was yesterday, taking you and your older brothers there for the first time all by myself. I was so proud of taking all three of you into the city there on my own. You were great. Your oldest brother, not so much! The museum is huge and he ran off into another room. He was lost for 5 minutes or so while I panicked freakig out. I remember telling him to never do that again because I don't know what I would do if I lost one of my boys for good. Well, here I am now. Lost without you here. Your second oldest brother decided to pull the same thing today while we were there. It was really déjà vu.
It was hard to have your birthday with Reilly here. She is such a joy and I love her to pieces just like I love you and your brothers. I am just so broken seeing her grow and age and have you not here. I know she knows you. Every night when we turn out the lights we say goodnight to your picture in he nursery. No lie, every time we say goodnight to your picture she lights up with smiles. She could be screaming her was off from exhaustion but once she sees your face and heard your name she smiles an grabs for the frame.
Owen my heart is broken. You are so loved and so missed. Happy 2nd birthday. I have visions of you blowing out candles in heaven. What do cakes taste like up there? We made you a carrot cake this year. Last year the boys thought you would like a strawberry cake so we made that. I guess they think you like vegetable or fruit cakes. I wish we had had the chance to know what you liked.
We sent lanterns up to heaven tonight at the cemetary. One went straight to heaven. The other got caught in a tree :/ I hope you feel our love every day. We all miss you and I can't wait till I can celebrate your birthday in heaven with you. Watch out because ill give you more cuddles and kisses than you could ever imagine to make up for all these birthdays where all I could so is blow you kisses in heaven.
I see so much of you in her. Your pudgy cheeks, your soft lips, your big round eyes, your flowing locks (though I think she has you beat there!). I will forever look at her and miss you but I do realize she has helped us as a family move forward. I wouldn't say we are healed but she has helped lessen the wound.
She has a connection with you. Every night when we go to turn out the lights in the nursery she reaches for your picture that is right there. We say goodnight to you and she just lights up. I honestly feel like I gave birth to twins 15 months apart. She has a connection to you like twins have with each other.
I love you both to pieces and couldn't imagine my life without either one of you. You both have shaped my life more than you will ever know.
We all miss you but your spirit and love lives on.
stillstandingmag.com/2015/06/open-letter-loved-ones-grieving-mother/
