It’s been a month. I can’t believe it. You have been gone 1/5 of the time you were here with us on earth. I miss you. I am sorry. What else can I say. I say that EVERYDAY, everytime I think about you. I LOVE YOU. It’s been over a month since I last held you in my arms, alive, smiling with a strong beating heart. I now have to believe you are being held in the arms of God as you wait for us to join you in heaven. I can't wait till the day I can hold you again.
My heart aches, every second of every day. You were my world. I am not saying I don’t love the rest of our family, your dad, your brothers etc but you were my little sweet bear. I spent every waking minute with you. I miss cuddling with you. I miss you looking at me like I was the world to you. You completed our family. I know there were times I was not the perfect mother but thinking you were my last baby and the last time I would be on maternity leave, I started to appreciate life with a baby with you. I spent more and more time just cuddling with you, talking to you, enjoying you and your every movement.
The last day we spent together you woke up early. You were down for a nap around 7:15am that day after being up around 5:45am. Around 8am you woke up and we took the boys to daycare. We spent awhile dropping them off because of course you were flashing your smiles and wiggling your toes. From there, we headed to BJs to do a food run. I still can’t go there without thinking about you because we always went there together. While we were there, you had a serious face most of the time which was weird. A woman actually commented on it and came and touched your toes. I was freaked out by her touching you and you for the first time actually freaked and started crying. I was surprised that you fell asleep on the way home from the store because you hadn’t been up that long. I brought you into our house and you slept in your car seat on the kitchen counter while I unloaded the groceries. That was the last time you napped that day. The rest of the day we chilled at home. We spent over an hour practicing your rolling all over the carpet in our room. You were getting so good at rolling and would roll all the way across the room. Once you reached me you would grab my face and giggle with joy. I tried to get you to sleep again but you just wanted nothing with it. Around 3:30 instead of getting frustrated I decided to take you for a drive to see if you would go to sleep. We drove south on 95 and you just looked around the car the whole time. O well, I thought. Early to bed it would be. We went to pick the boys up early because they had swim lessons that night. As always you were the hit of our trip. All of the girls ran up to you and said Hi Baby Owen. As soon as we got home, your Dad hoped in the car to take Connor and Liam to swim class. We came inside and hung out on the couch for a few more minutes. If only I knew these would be some of our last ones together. Around 5:45pm I put you in the bath. You were starting to learn to sit up in the bath. You loved to watch the Little Einstein spinnies spin on the side of the bath. You loved when I washed under your chubby chin around your neck. You would giggle with joy. You kicked your feet like crazy in the tub. Once I got you out, I laid you down on your elephant towel with your name on it, given to you by the Proulxs, and dried you up. You laughed. Before I left the bathroom, we looked in the mirror as we always did together. You loved seeing our reflection together and I loved to see you and I together. If only I new this would be the last time. I put you on your changing table and started our nighttime routine. I sang Edel Weiss. I rubbed you down with lotion. Then I sang Twinkle Twinkle and got your blue and white onezie on. Then I took you to our rocking chair and gave you your last bottle. How I wish I had nursed you that night. We were trying to get you to take more bottles to get use to me going back to work. You took down 8 ounces like a champ and were even starting to try and hold your bottle. I remember thinking that you were growing up so fast. Once you were done, we burped and then I started to rock you and sing You are My Sunshine. You smiled from ear to ear as you always did. If only I new that was the last time I would sing that song to you why you were here with me on earth. I can’t wait to hold you again and never ever let you go. I will sing to you forever in heaven my sweet boy and will continue to sing to you while I am here on earth.
I am sitting here watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. I have always loved the Olympics. Maybe because I dreamed of going there one day. I was so excited to watch them with you this summer because it gave me an excuse to sit in front of the TV and watch them and someone to watch them with. I think you would have been a swimmer. You loved the water. You loved playing in the pool with your brothers. They have a band on there right now doing a Pink Floyd cover of Wish You Were Here. Owen, how I wish you were here with me. How I wish you were sleeping up in your crib right now so when I went up to bed and checked on my three boys before I went to sleep, I could see your sweet face. Your chubby legs in your onesie because it’s still hot outside. Your chubby cheeks that loved to be kissed. The little beauty mark you shared on your right leg like the one I have under my arm.
Today, Nano, Connor, Liam, Daddy and I went to visit your grave site. We released balloons that said 6 for your 6 month birthday and a smilely face sun. I miss you and will miss you ever day until our souls are reunited. I am learning to live day by day without you physically here with me on earth but my heart aches every day, every second. I have to have hope that someday soon I will get more signs that you are still here with us. The only two I have had so far are 1) when Kathy McMullen was here visiting with us (she is a SIDS counselor and family friend) and we were talking about you and how we were doing, there was a black butterfly that kept flying around the window and didn’t leave for awhile. There haven’t been many butterflies this season and I felt your presence at that moment. 2) We were at a Compassionate Friends grief counseling group. As I was telling the group about you, I looked out the window and the most beautiful pink and purple sky appeared out of no where. It was stunning, just like you were and are I am sure in heaven.
After dinner Pop Pop took pictures of our family next to the tree we planted in our back yard to remember you. We are going to try and take important family photos by it so you are included in our memories.
|Here is your tree. We love sitting at the kitchen table looking out at it. It makes us feel like you are still here with us.|
|Connor made a crown to commemorate the day. Here he is posing by your tree. He loves and misses you so much.|
|Yes, not the best family photo but you know Liam, he's a jokester and Connor is more of the serious one.|
|Owen, my heart aches looking at family photos without you now. We LOVE YOU and MISS YOU!!!|
I miss you and I love you. I hate that this heartache will be with me for the rest of my life but I love that we will meet again one day. You were the most amazing, sweet baby I have ever met and I am sorry for not cherishing every moment of every day I had with you. 152 days. Rest in peace my sweet bear.
I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.
Your one and only Mom