Our Little Warrior Owen

This blog is dedicated to our little sunshine angel Owen. We named him Owen because it means little warrior and we knew he would have to be with two older brothers. He was our little sunshine and his heart stopped beating unexpectedly on his 5 month birthday. We are devastated by the loss of our little guy. Hopefully, this blog will give readers a sense of what a beautiful spirit he was, how he completed our family and will help to keep his memory alive. We hope this gives light into our grieving process and can help other families that suffer a similar tragic loss.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Never gets any easier but your smile gets me through

Dear Owen,

Another 12th of the month passes without you here. Today you would have been 25 months old. Yes sounds weird but basically 2 years, 1 month. Instead, you aren't here and I have to spend another 12th of the month lighting your candle and staring at photos of your beautiful smile.  You had the most infectious smile. Once you learned to smile, we always saw it.

Your sister is much more serious than you.  To get her to smile it usually takes your brothers doing something silly.  She's a thinker but also very rough and tumble.  Some people say she has an old soul.  Is that you living on in her?

Last night I had a total break down because I feel like I'm not doing enough to honor your life and memory.  I'm still your mother and always will be and it pains me that I don't spend as much time "doing things" for you as I do for your siblings.  I know I'm being very hard on myself considering everything going on in our lives but it's no excuse.  I promise to try and honor you every day.  If I can't do it in a grandiose way, ill do it on a smaller scale EVERY day. Whether it's stopping to smell the roses, enjoying the beauty of nature, enjoying the laughter of your siblings "wrestling" with Reilly saying they are "protecting the queen" or simply taking 5 minutes in the morning to pray to God for what I DO have and thanking Him for protecting you in heaven while I am still here on earth.  I always tell new SIDS parents I meet (I hate that I meet them so often because it means another baby died of unknown reasons) to be gentle on themselves.  The ironic thing is I stopped being gentle on myself a few weeks after you died.  I still continue to question WHY I couldn't protect you though I KNOW there is no stopping SIDS. I still beat myself up for not starting an annual fundraiser in your honor to start building your park.  The honest truth is I am barely holding it all together and I am just STILL doing the minimum just to function.  Holding down a full time job while being a parent and wife is all I can really fester these days. I just have to be gentle on myself though and know that in time, I will gather the strength to do it all.  

Owen I think about you every day.  We all think about you every day.  Connor woke up last night at 10pm crying which he never does! We asked what was wrong and he simply said "I miss my little brother".  We have struggled with a few behavioral things with him lately and this simple statement reminded me that he has been through more than any young child should ever have to go through.  He has seen his brother being wisked out of the house lifeless and then being buried. This is too much for even me a grown adult to take so I can't imagine how much it is for him to absorb.  As he grows older and learns more about the truths of life, his grieving for Owen will evolve too and we have to continue to nurture his feelings.  The other day they did a project at his enrichment program where they had to write how many people they had in their family.  I could see that Connor had written 6 and then erased it and put 5.  I asked him about his project and he said his teacher told him after he wrote 6 (and she knows all about you Owen) that if he didn't want to write 6 he could write 5.  I was so livid! Who is this women to question what a 6 year old writes about his family! Owen I'm glad God granted me the patience to not go off on this woman!!! I shead a lot of tears over this but realized she has no clue what it is like to loose a child so I shouldn't punish her.  

I am happy to report that Liam seems to be doing really well. I think going to a catholic school has been great for him.  He has a connection with heaven and you.  I think he is at peace knowing up are in the hands of God and other loved ones we know that have passed.

Your little sister is growing up so fast and as exciting and beautiful as it is, it often pains me because I missed all these firsts with you. She commando crawls everywhere and I just have passing visions of what it would be like to have a toddler running around with this commando crawler.  

Owen you have shaped my life and your smile lights up my heart anytime I am overwhelmed with grief.  I know you are smiling down on us and I know I will see you again.

All my love!!!!!

Your one and only mom