Our Little Warrior Owen

This blog is dedicated to our little sunshine angel Owen. We named him Owen because it means little warrior and we knew he would have to be with two older brothers. He was our little sunshine and his heart stopped beating unexpectedly on his 5 month birthday. We are devastated by the loss of our little guy. Hopefully, this blog will give readers a sense of what a beautiful spirit he was, how he completed our family and will help to keep his memory alive. We hope this gives light into our grieving process and can help other families that suffer a similar tragic loss.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

If "Happy Ever After" did exist, I would still be holding you like this

Dear Owen,

The title of this letter is a pop song that is always on the radio now. I know it's a sappy love song but it perfectly captures how I feel. If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this. My arms are empty and they ache to hold you. I see people holding babies around 6 months of age and I have to turn away because I just want to scream! Why why why!

I just had to spend the past 5 days in Arkansas presenting and preparing for various Walmart meetings. Though I was able to stay with your tante Thea, uncle Eric and your cousins, it pained me to be that far from your resting place, your dad and your brothers. It is still so hard for me to be social and pretend that life goes on. I'm so envious of others who haven't experienced the profound loss of losing a child. I hate that I feel that way but it is the truth. I know you dying gave me the gift to appreciate every moment and every second with your loved ones but I just can't live that every day because I am still struggling in a very dark place. I am finding it hard to trust and have faith in God and to live life like I'm doing fine because I'm not. I still think about you 24/7 even if I'm busy with work or hanging out with people. I am trying to figure out how I can be mother here on earth to your brothers and a mother to you I'm heaven. Nothing is easy. I cried every night not being able to see all your pictures around me, cuddle with your Owen blanket, and kiss your brothers goodnight. Though I'm thankful I got to see your cousins.

It's amazing the physical bond I had with you...The bond that all mothers have with their babies. The weeks after you passed were the worst as I ached to hold you and my physical body ached not being able to provide you the nutrition I had been for 9 months in the womb and 5 months outside.

I will never forget the way you smelled, the way your soft skin felt against mine and the way it felt to have your head resting on my right shoulder.

The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing you are now being held in the arms of Jesus and all of our live ones that have gone on their journey to heaven. To Jesus and all of our loved ones, hold tight to my sweet Owen until I can hold him again.

I guess our happy ever after doesn't exist. What a rough road it's been. I hope you have your happy ever after in heaven Owen. That's all I am pray for.

I love you more than ever Owen.

Your one and only mom

Friday, October 12, 2012

St. Michael Warrior from Heaven

Dear Owen,

It's another day I dread more than others.  The 12th of the month.  It has been 3 months since I last held your chubby, cuddly body warm and alive and it has been 8 months since we welcomed you into this world and I held and kissed you for the first time.  I hate the number 12 now because I know it is a day that I am going to have more than one or two meltdowns.  It is a day I am going to have more like 12.  5 months was not enough time to give you all the love I wanted to give you.  I give you love everyday and I hope you feel it from heaven.

The other day, I learned that St. Michael is known as the Warrior from Heaven.  How appropriate since Owen means Little Warrior.  We named you Michael after my grandfather and your aunt Michelle.  Little did we know you would live out your name and be a true warrior both here on earth and in heaven.  St. Michael is the protector of people and I know you are now the protector of our family both in heaven and here on earth. 

Traditionally Michael (whose name means “one who is like God”) is known as a divine messenger, a protector of the faithful, the angel who guides our souls upon death.

Owen, you must have known how scared of death I once was because now that you have left us here on earth, I am no longer scared of death because I know you will guide my soul to heaven when my day comes. 

This sunday we are participating in our first SIDS event, the CJ Strides for Babies, in Jersey City, NJ.  We didn't invite too many people because I just don't know how I am going to react being at an event where they memorialize you.  I pray that God gives us the strength to honor your memory and share a laugh or two along the way because while you were here on earth you sure granted us many smiles and laughs. 

Tonight we will be visiting your grave and then celebrating your life as we always do on the 12th.  I guess it's not like any other day though because I miss you every hour of every day.

This morning Connor was playing legos while he waited for Liam to wake up so they could go to school.  I noticed he was singing "You Are My Sunshine" in his rocktone sort of way.  He had just moved the marker on our Halloween "Advent" calendar to 12.  I asked him what he was doing and he said "Singing Owen's song to him because it's his birthday today - 12".  Wow.  The other night when your dad was away your brothers and I spent time going through all of your pictures and remembering the good times.  Liam LOVED to remember the time that you, Connor and your Dad all got into the big tub and took a super bubble bath all together "just the boys" he said.  They miss you more than ever and so do your Dad and I.

I look forward to honoring your memory this weekend and meeting a few of the people that have helped me since July 12th. 

I love you and miss you.

Your one and only Mom

Monday, October 1, 2012

Changing seasons

Dear Owen,

We have had a beautiful fall here so far. The mums we planted at your gravesite have come in. I went to visit you at lunchtime on monday and it was nice to see all the flowers in bloom.

It sucks that you never got to experience fall. I was so looking forward to dressing you in the pumpkin costume we have though on your track you probably would have been to big for it!!! I know every first this year will be hard but the fall and winter especially with all the holidays.

This weekend we had the Dowells and McCranns visit which was very nice. I was comforted to know I could be myself around them and talk about you. Though it was hard because 1) they both have three kids 2) one is 4 month old and 3) one is named Owen. It was so nice to have old friends here though and the boys loved all the visitors. We went to a pumpkin patch and Liam picked out a pumpkin for you. Last night he painted it for you.

Somehow I have come down with pneumonia now. I feel awful and the physical pain is not what I needed since I already have all of this emotional pain. I am just thankful that the boys don't have it yet and I hope they don't. I guess it helps to have a guardian angel (you!) looking after them.

Missing you more and more each day.

Your one and only mom