The title of this letter is a pop song that is always on the radio now. I know it's a sappy love song but it perfectly captures how I feel. If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this. My arms are empty and they ache to hold you. I see people holding babies around 6 months of age and I have to turn away because I just want to scream! Why why why!
I just had to spend the past 5 days in Arkansas presenting and preparing for various Walmart meetings. Though I was able to stay with your tante Thea, uncle Eric and your cousins, it pained me to be that far from your resting place, your dad and your brothers. It is still so hard for me to be social and pretend that life goes on. I'm so envious of others who haven't experienced the profound loss of losing a child. I hate that I feel that way but it is the truth. I know you dying gave me the gift to appreciate every moment and every second with your loved ones but I just can't live that every day because I am still struggling in a very dark place. I am finding it hard to trust and have faith in God and to live life like I'm doing fine because I'm not. I still think about you 24/7 even if I'm busy with work or hanging out with people. I am trying to figure out how I can be mother here on earth to your brothers and a mother to you I'm heaven. Nothing is easy. I cried every night not being able to see all your pictures around me, cuddle with your Owen blanket, and kiss your brothers goodnight. Though I'm thankful I got to see your cousins.
It's amazing the physical bond I had with you...The bond that all mothers have with their babies. The weeks after you passed were the worst as I ached to hold you and my physical body ached not being able to provide you the nutrition I had been for 9 months in the womb and 5 months outside.
I will never forget the way you smelled, the way your soft skin felt against mine and the way it felt to have your head resting on my right shoulder.
The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing you are now being held in the arms of Jesus and all of our live ones that have gone on their journey to heaven. To Jesus and all of our loved ones, hold tight to my sweet Owen until I can hold him again.
I guess our happy ever after doesn't exist. What a rough road it's been. I hope you have your happy ever after in heaven Owen. That's all I am pray for.
I love you more than ever Owen.
Love,
Your one and only mom
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