Sorry I haven't kept up with writing you lately. It doesn't mean that you weren't on my mind and in my heart every moment of every day. Life has been crazy this past month or so.
It's been 4 months since you left this world. I can't believe it. 1 more month and you will have been gone the same amount of time you were here with us. Well, if you talk about since your birth. I know you were with me for the 9 months prior to your birth. I wish I could go back in time and still have you inside me so I could protect you. I miss you like no other Owen, I will never be able to describe how empty my heart is without you here. I know you are still with us in spirit though. There are signs.
I hope you felt the love on Sunday, October 14th as we walked for the first time at the CJ Strides for Babies event in Jersey City. It was extremely difficult for your father and I and other people to be there because it made your trip to heaven that much more real. I think I was still in denial but when I looked up and saw your BEAUTIFUL smiling face on a poster with your name and dates on it, I lost it. I didn't want to believe it. How how how could such a beautiful, healthy boy like you just stop breathing? I just don't get it. I was honored that we could walk to help raise money for the CJ Foundation because they have been very helpful in helping us cope after losing you. They have dealt with the medical examiner's office and following up on things. They have connected us with other families that have lost angels too.
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Though the weather looked grim on the ride up to Jersey City, it didn't rain and it actually turned out to be a really nice day. I guess it helps when you have an angel in heaven looking down on you - thank you Owen :) Connor loved writing your name on the back of everyone's t-shirts which showed who we were walking in honor of. He was very proud. Him and Liam were also excited to see your face on the poster. I know they didn't understand why it was on there but they were just proud and said "Look, it's Owen, my brother, he is so cute!". The Foundation made up pins with your picture on it as well and we all wore them with honor. I now have mine attached to my sun visor in the car so every time I get in, I can look up and think of you. You are my guardian angel.
So your dad and I had this weird revelation the other day. I know you know about the name dilemma we had with you but not sure we have told many other people. Before you were born, we could not decide on your name. I really wanted Jude but your dad didn't want that because Jude is one of the apostles who is invoked in prayer when a situation seems hopeless. After your dad saw the physical pain I went through with you and our natural birth together, he told me that I could name you Jude. We decided to sleep on it the first night and when I was up feeding you throughout the night, I called you Jude. When your dad woke up in the morning, he told me after much thought, he didn't think Jude fit you because you were NOT a hopeless cause. You were a strong, big, healthy baby! The funny thing was that we had run all of the names by Liam and Connor before you were born. After we named you Owen and brought you home, Liam kept calling you Jude for weeks after you arrived home. Owen, do you think he knew? I always sensed and still do that Liam has a special bond with you. He kisses your picture goodnight every night and hugs it close to his heart. It is so adorable and makes me cry every night. Maybe Liam knew your fate the whole time when the rest of us didn't? We don't regret naming you Owen because you were an Owen, a little warrior who took your trip to heaven before any of us did. I miss you my sweet bear. Here is Liam talking to you when you arrived home from the hospital on Valentine's day, my little sweet valentine. Your hair was amazing!!!
Yesterday on your 4 month anniversary, your father and I planted a little Xmas tree at your grave site. I hope you like it. We are worried that since your stone won't be ready until after winter, we won't be able to find your resting place if it snows a lot. Your brothers are so excited to decorate it for Xmas next month.
We also took a hike as a family this weekend and I thought about the hikes we took with you this summer as a family. Your dad would always walk with your brothers while I carried you against my chest in the ergo carrier. I so missed your warmth on Sunday. Glad you were able to pull some strings in Heaven and give us warm weather on Sunday and yesterday though. As we approached the end of our hike, I was getting warm and took off my sweater. As I looked down onto my shirt, there against my chest sat a little ladybug. A sign. We had not seen any bugs along the hike and I haven't seen any outside for weeks since it got cold a few weeks ago. Where did this lady bug appear from? Did you send it? I stopped Liam and asked him if he wanted to hold the ladybug. He screamed with excitement. I went to pick it up and as I transferred to to his hand, it was gone. It simply vanished. I thank you for giving me a sign that you are still with us.
Tonight our church is holding a mass for all parents who have lost a child. We will light a candle in your honor like we always do. We look forward to connecting with other families that have shared similar losses.
I cherish the 5 months we had with you here on earth and I wish wish wish I could have made them longer. I can't believe we are approaching 12/12/12. It seems like an eternity since I have held your sweet soul and kissed your pudgy cheeks. I dream of the day I can hold you again. I just hope as time passes, I can remember the good times we had because my mind is still clouded with our final moments together. Just never ever forget how much I love you. We all loved you. You completed our family sweet Owen.
I will see you in my dreams tonight.
Love,
Your one and only Mom
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