It just so happened that Mother's Day fell on the 12th of May this year. This day also marked the day that you have been with God for 10 months, twice as long as you were here with us on earth. It has taken me a few weeks to sit down and write about that day. It was tough.
We woke up and went to church. I felt your presence. They acknowledged all the mothers attending. As I stood up with the other mothers, Connor and Liam looked up at me with such fondness. They asked why I was standing and I said because they want to honor all mothers. They hugged me and said they loved me. I wanted to cry. As much as their hugs and words made me so happy, I felt so empty as a mother. I felt your presence but in a greedy way, I wanted you here with me. You were here with me last mother's day but this year you were in the presence of Jesus' mother. I also felt like a failure. A mother's job is to love, protect and watch her children grow into adulthood. I know there is nothing I could have done to save you because it was in God's hands but I still felt like a failure. As I stood there, I also thought about your little brother/sister OB4. I made a promise right there and then to be the best mother to him/her that I could be. I will eventually figure out how to mother 3 children here on earth and 1 in heaven but I have no where mastered it just yet.
|This is a picture of the 4 of us at the tree we planted for you at Church.|
After church, we went to brunch which was nice. We then picked out flowers for your grave site and went there to take out the little tree that had been there all winter and plant flowers. I never realized what a sad day Mother's Day is for so many other people. The cemetery was packed. So many people there grieving the loss of their own mother and there were a few other grieving mother's missing their children. We planted a sunflower in your honor as well as some other yellow flowers. We planted the same flowers on our front steps so we think of you every time we leave the house. We took the tree that had been at your grave site and planted it in the front yard too. I like having the tree there so when we play outside, there is something that reminds me of your grave site.
Today, 16 days later, I sit here in your room and cry. The boys are away with my family at our annual family trip to Hilton Head so your father and I have had some time to get some things done around the house. I spent yesterday rearranging your room and trying to make it feel like a little bit of a new nursery for OB4. We didn't paint the walls, we just rearranged the furniture and changed the things on the wall. The centerpiece is now a large sun mosaic that Connor made with his class at school that says You are my sunshine. It reminds me of you. The room is now really a nursery for you, your brothers and your unborn sibling. I have all of the birth announcements up that your Nano made for each of you. I have a shelf for each of you with your name trains on it, name blocks and a photo. Your shelf also has the hand and foot imprints we made the last time we held your body. As much as it hurt to sit in this room for the past 10 months, I am starting to feel comfort in there. We did get a new chair because I couldn't bear to sit in the chair I last rocked you in. We gave that chair to your aunt who is also expecting a baby soon. It's nice that she can rock your cousin in the same chair I rocked you and your brothers in and also that your aunt rocked your cousins in. I now feel like the room really represents all of my children. We painted the fan blades yellow so it also looks like there is a sun on the ceiling and there are cloud decals on the blue walls. I feel at times like I am in heaven with you and I look at the many things that remind me of you.
Thank you for making me a mother for the 3rd time and a mother to 3 boys. You have forever changed my life and you are forever part of my life.
Please look after me and your little brother/sister as we prepare for his/her arrival in a few short weeks. I know you will be there with us and I know OB4 is so lucky to have you as a sibling.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Your one and only Mom