A year ago today you turned 2 months old. A year ago I snapped the pictures below from your 2 month photo shoot. Not our best monthly photo shoot because I was trying to shoot without a flash on a not so sunny day. I thought I was going to have many many months, years, decades to take photos of you. Your hair was classic and I love how in the last photo you look like you might punch me since I had taken so many pictures :)
9 months ago today your heart took it's last beat in your father's arms.
Thanks to all of you who continue to think of us on the 12th of the month. Your thoughts on this day mean so much to us and make us feel just a little less alone. Thank you, we love you all.
I miss you like crazy. This week has been really hard. Your dad has been in Scotland for work so it's been pretty tiring. I know you know this already because you had a part in it but with me being 30 weeks pregnant, it's even harder when your dad travels.
For those of you out there that don't know already, we are excited to announce we are expecting baby #4. OB4 is due June 21, 2013. Just over 2 months from now. That day just happens to be the summer solstice which literally means "sun stands still". Owen, we know you had a part in blessing our family with a little sibling for you and your brothers and we are so thankful for that but it doesn't make this journey any less hard or painful. You, our little sunshine, for sure helped in creating your little brother or sister. With the losses we experienced before your brother Connor, we decided to put the decision to have another child in God's hands and we were once again blessed. We didn't tell people we were expecting your little brother or sister until I was close to 18 weeks because we couldn't talk about it without crying. Though, just the fact that OB4 is due on the first day of summer, on a day where the 'sun stands still', brought comfort to us. OB4 in NO way will EVER replace you sweet Owen. Though, we know, just like any baby, OB4 will bring joy to our family. Owen, as our 3rd boy, you brought more joy into our family than your father and I could ever imagine. You taught your oldest brother to be a big helper and caregiver. It was so much different watching Connor interact with you since he was 4 then how he interacted with Liam when he was born since Connor was only 2 then. You taught Liam to BE an older brother. Liam was SO excited to finally be an older brother. You taught Liam what it was like to be a middle sibling, something I can totally relate to being the middle child. You will now teach OB4 what it will be like to be a compassionate person and you yourself, though you live in heaven, will be an older brother and a middle child just like me. I know it will pain me every time I look at photos to come of Connor, Liam and OB4 knowing you are missing. I will never be blessed to have JUST ONE photo of my 4 children together. That pains me to no extent but I am comforted to know that ONE day, we will all be able to rejoice together in heaven and I know you will be a part of our lives forever, even if you can't be in our photos.
Wednesday night this week we had our first thunderstorm of the season. We had been over a friend's house for dinner. The sky was very dark when we left just before bedtime. On the drive home, I saw the lightning in the distance and I just lost it. I was crying so hard that Connor started freaking out asking me what was wrong. I tried to remind your brothers of how many crazy storms happened last summer after your journey to heaven. This is a photo of the storm caught by a friend in Yardley:
Last summer we saw it as a sign of you telling us you were in heaven and you were ok. Last summer we would just sit under the cover of the garage and stare out at the pouring rain and lightening as we thought of you, our little warrior, up in heaven. It's these little things that make all the crazy feelings I felt those first few weeks last July come flooding back. I could barely get your brothers up the stairs and into the shower I was so overcome with sorrow and pain. The sound of the rain and thunder reminded me of the pain I feel in my heart every day. My tears fell like rain and your brothers sensed my pain. Liam was scared of the thunder in a way I had never seen before. I laid on the floor of their room until they fell asleep that night, trying to comfort them in any way I could.
Well, here's to you Owen. Happy 14 month birthday in heaven. Your brothers put grapes on the cupcakes I brought home for them this past weekend after I had a girls weekend with my best high school friends. They thought the grapes would make the cupcakes more healthy. I guess in theory they were right :) We never stop celebrating your life. You blessed us with more laughs and smiles than I could ever imagine and I am sure you are doing the same for everyone in heaven now.
You are top of mind like always today and everyday. Now that spring has really started to show, it reminds me of all the walks we went on last year. Spring came much earlier last year than it did this year. I kinda feel like the seasons are grieving with us.
I love you more than ever.
Your one and only Mom