I can't believe it's been 2 years since you were born. I still remember the exact moments of the day and how I kept thinking I wasn't in labor and sure enough, I was and you were born less than an hour after I arrived at the hospital. I remember thinking you were the cutest newborn ever. You were perfect. 8 lbs 1 oz, in between the two weights of your older brothers. You are perfect. You just aren't here. That is not perfect.
Today was extremely hard. Yesterday driving home from work realizing that I was done with work and now had I gave your birthday, I lost it. Bad. Real bad. Last night I cried like it was yesterday that you left us for heaven. I am so angry at God. I try and think God is great and he helps the sorrowful etc but I'm angry. Why are you not here with us blowing out two candles?!
Today we spent the day as a family. We took your three siblings to their biannual cardiologist check up. The cardiologist we take them too is pretty far away so we chose to do it today in honor of you. If only we had seen him when you were here, would you be here? Argh. All the what ifs.
We then took the family to the please touch museum in Philly. I remember it like it was yesterday, taking you and your older brothers there for the first time all by myself. I was so proud of taking all three of you into the city there on my own. You were great. Your oldest brother, not so much! The museum is huge and he ran off into another room. He was lost for 5 minutes or so while I panicked freakig out. I remember telling him to never do that again because I don't know what I would do if I lost one of my boys for good. Well, here I am now. Lost without you here. Your second oldest brother decided to pull the same thing today while we were there. It was really déjà vu.
It was hard to have your birthday with Reilly here. She is such a joy and I love her to pieces just like I love you and your brothers. I am just so broken seeing her grow and age and have you not here. I know she knows you. Every night when we turn out the lights we say goodnight to your picture in he nursery. No lie, every time we say goodnight to your picture she lights up with smiles. She could be screaming her was off from exhaustion but once she sees your face and heard your name she smiles an grabs for the frame.
Owen my heart is broken. You are so loved and so missed. Happy 2nd birthday. I have visions of you blowing out candles in heaven. What do cakes taste like up there? We made you a carrot cake this year. Last year the boys thought you would like a strawberry cake so we made that. I guess they think you like vegetable or fruit cakes. I wish we had had the chance to know what you liked.
We sent lanterns up to heaven tonight at the cemetary. One went straight to heaven. The other got caught in a tree :/ I hope you feel our love every day. We all miss you and I can't wait till I can celebrate your birthday in heaven with you. Watch out because ill give you more cuddles and kisses than you could ever imagine to make up for all these birthdays where all I could so is blow you kisses in heaven.
Happy birthday sweet bear.
Your one and only mom