Our Little Warrior Owen

This blog is dedicated to our little sunshine angel Owen. We named him Owen because it means little warrior and we knew he would have to be with two older brothers. He was our little sunshine and his heart stopped beating unexpectedly on his 5 month birthday. We are devastated by the loss of our little guy. Hopefully, this blog will give readers a sense of what a beautiful spirit he was, how he completed our family and will help to keep his memory alive. We hope this gives light into our grieving process and can help other families that suffer a similar tragic loss.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Officially one year older

Dear Owen,

Today your little sister has officially lived a year longer than you did.  She is 17 months old today.  I cherish every minute I have with her.  She is running, laughing, showing her independence.  So many things she does I sit in pure amazement staring at her.  She is a gift from God.  Though, I can't help but wonder what she would be like if you were still here.  What would you two do to hang with the older boys?  How would you play together?  Reilly loves to dance and I just have sweet visions of the two of you rocking it out together.

You two look so much alike.  I see your soul in her.  I see you in Connor and Liam too.  We recently took pictures with a good old friend and it broke my heart to not see you physically in the photos with your brothers and sister.  I So was so upset after realizing I didn't have an "Owen token' in the photo.  Your dad reassured me after that you are always with us and with them and they are who they are today because of you.  So even though you aren't physically in the photo, the wonder in Reilly's eyes, the upwards gaze of Liam and the gentle touch and protectiveness of Connor that they display in their photos is all because of you.

We miss you so much.  I haven't written in awhile and I am sorry for that.  You know you are always in our hearts.  It has been a busy fall and we have continued to honor and remember you.  We walked for the third time in the CJ Foundation's Strides for babies.  Thanks to the generosity of many friends and family, we raised over $6K for SIDS research.  It was sad to be there yet again and see more new faces, knowing another baby was taken too soon.

We also went to the third remembrance mass at our church for families that have lost children.  It's amazing how much the pain of loosing you hits me sometimes.  So much has changed since you left us for heaven but so much has stayed the same.  At the mass, Connor was now old enough and mature enough to announce your name when we reached the alter.  2 years ago he was just shy of 5 years old and would have never done that.  Now just shy of 7 he is turning into a protective and loving young boy.  He misses you so much and is so caring because of you.  Liam held tight to the rose they gave us and handled it with such care.  Just like he did for you and continues to do for your sister.  I couldn't hold back the tears at mass and relied on the strength of your loving father to hold me up.  Hearing your name read and viewing your beautiful smile on the alter in our favorite photos hurt this month just as much as it did in 2012.  I miss you sweet bear.

The night after we returned from the mass, Liam woke up crying a few hours later.  I immediately thought it was because of the emotional pain of the night.  Unfortunately it was that with a BAD case of croup.  He was really struggling for breaths so Jim rushed him to the ER.  They kept him over night even after his oxygen levels increased with the medicine.  I didn't sleep a wink thinking that he was in the same ER we brought you too.  I now realize I have some PTSD and need to address it because unfortunately I will have to face tough times like that with your brothers and sisters. Jim and I are seeing a new therapist who specializes in EMDR for patients who have PTSD and severe grief.

Owen you are always with us and going into the holidays a part of my heart is so heavy thinking about facing another "joyful season" without you.  Though, I know I just need to quiet my thoughts and life and just sit and feel the love of you and the love of God around me.  You are always in my heart.  You are sooo sooo loved and don't ever forget that.

Love you sweet bear.

Your one and only Mom

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