Owen sending his love

Dear Owen,

I've been looking for a sign that you are up there getting ready to celebrate the birth of your little brother or sister, our rainbow baby.

Thank you for sending this sign tonight.  We are now ready to welcome your sibling now that we know we have your blessing.

We love you more than ever.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

The countdown is on

Dear Owen,

So the countdown is officially on for the arrival of your little brother or sister.  It is so scary to say the least.  He/she is officially due June 21 but for a couple reasons, the midwives have offered to induce at 39 weeks which would be this Friday, June 14th.  Unfortunately the one midwife we have only met once and didn't really jive with, is on call Friday the 14th and Monday the 17th.  Therefore, I think we are going to wait until the 18th and induce then unless OB4 decides to join the family sooner.  He/she is already part of the family though. 

I know you will be watching over our family as we enter this new chapter as you always are but this life changing event just makes us miss you even more.  You should be here on earth to greet your little sibling.  I see the amazing bond that Liam and Connor have with each other and you and OB4 should be the younger set of siblings.  You should be plotting with OB4 in a few years on how you will overtake your older siblings to watch a kids show or break down their tent or legos. 

We are fortunate to have some good families that have gone on to have other children after loosing a child to rely on for advice and support.  That has helped a lot and given us faith we can mend this storm. 

We have officially rearranged your room and we now call it Owen and the baby's room.  We have incorporated all 4 of our children in the room which is nice.  I hope I find peace as I rock and feed OB4 in your room and know you are with us. 

Connor misses you so much.  Now that we have all the baby gear out (thanks to a lot of new stuff loaned to us from friends) he talks about you a lot.  He says you were the cutest baby ever and no baby will ever be cuter or happier than you.  I sometimes worry that he may hold a little bit of contempt towards OB4 because he was and is so protective over you.  He really wants the baby to look just like you.  I think he is at the age, 5.5, when he is really starting to grasp death but I don't think that changes the fact that he wants you back and misses your smiling face. 

Your brothers just returned from a week away in Hilton Head with my family.  Your father and I missed them so much while they were gone.  The first two days were so hard because the house was so quiet.  Though, we learned to appreciate the silence and get some things done that had been on our to do list for sometime.  The say they flew back, my heart was so overjoyed to see them again.  Though, my heart also broke.  I wish that I could see you again, that after almost 11 months, I could see your smiling face again and hold your chubby body.  Unfortunately I can't.

We all miss you, more than ever.  You have taught us so much, during your time here with us on earth and now during your time in heaven.  I am amazed at how much your brothers know about heaven, god and love through you.  You have taught me not to fear death and have taught me to appreciate every moment.  You will be with us in spirit the day your sibling arrives into this world.  I have to learn to accept that I will now have to share my love with 4 children, instead of just 3, but it doesn't mean I will love you any less.  I remember thinking on the day Liam was born that I couldn't imagine loving a child as much as I loved Connor but it happened and my love just grew as I loved both Connor and Liam.  The same thing happened when we learned we were expecting you and on the day you were born.  The same thing will happen sometime in the next week and a half, your father and I love for our children will grow. 

Your brothers on the way to Hilton Head.

 

Love you more than you will ever know.  You are about to be a big brother, just like Connor and Liam are already to you.  Even though you will not meet OB4 until he/she joins you in heaven, I know OB4 will know all about you and love you just as much as we all do.

 

Love,

 

Your one and only Mom



10 months and Mother's Day

Dear Owen,

It just so happened that Mother's Day fell on the 12th of May this year.  This day also marked the day that you have been with God for 10 months, twice as long as you were here with us on earth.  It has taken me a few weeks to sit down and write about that day.  It was tough. 

We woke up and went to church.  I felt your presence.  They acknowledged all the mothers attending.  As I stood up with the other mothers, Connor and Liam looked up at me with such fondness.  They asked why I was standing and I said because they want to honor all mothers.  They hugged me and said they loved me.  I wanted to cry.  As much as their hugs and words made me so happy, I felt so empty as a mother.  I felt your presence but in a greedy way, I wanted you here with me.   You were here with me last mother's day but this year you were in the presence of Jesus' mother.  I also felt like a failure.  A mother's job is to love, protect and watch her children grow into adulthood.  I know there is nothing I could have done to save you because it was in God's hands but I still felt like a failure.  As I stood there, I also thought about your little brother/sister OB4.  I made a promise right there and then to be the best mother to him/her that I could be.  I will eventually figure out how to mother 3 children here on earth and 1 in heaven but I have no where mastered it just yet.

This is a picture of the 4 of us at the tree we planted for you at Church.



Liam being a ham at brunch looking at himself in the mirror

After church, we went to brunch which was nice.  We then picked out flowers for your grave site and went there to take out the little tree that had been there all winter and plant flowers.  I never realized what a sad day Mother's Day is for so many other people.  The cemetery was packed.  So many people there grieving the loss of their own mother and there were a few other grieving mother's missing their children.  We planted a sunflower in your honor as well as some other yellow flowers.  We planted the same flowers on our front steps so we think of you every time we leave the house.  We took the tree that had been at your grave site and planted it in the front yard too.  I like having the tree there so when we play outside, there is something that reminds me of your grave site.

Today, 16 days later, I sit here in your room and cry.  The boys are away with my family at our annual family trip to Hilton Head so your father and I have had some time to get some things done around the house.  I spent yesterday rearranging your room and trying to make it feel like a little bit of a new nursery for OB4.  We didn't paint the walls, we just rearranged the furniture and changed the things on the wall. The centerpiece is now a large sun mosaic that Connor made with his class at school that says You are my sunshine.  It reminds me of you.  The room is now really a nursery for you, your brothers and your unborn sibling.  I have all of the birth announcements up that your Nano made for each of you.  I have a shelf for each of you with your name trains on it, name blocks and a photo.  Your shelf also has the hand and foot imprints we made the last time we held your body.  As much as it hurt to sit in this room for the past 10 months, I am starting to feel comfort in there.  We did get a new chair because I couldn't bear to sit in the chair I last rocked you in.  We gave that chair to your aunt who is also expecting a baby soon.  It's nice that she can rock your cousin in the same chair I rocked you and your brothers in and also that your aunt rocked your cousins in.  I now feel like the room really represents all of my children.  We painted the fan blades yellow so it also looks like there is a sun on the ceiling and there are cloud decals on the blue walls.  I feel at times like I am in heaven with you and I look at the many things that remind me of you. 

 

 

It's so odd to be here in the house without you or your brothers.  It is so QUIET.  Normally I would be loving the peace and quiet but now it just reminds me of how much we have lost.  Though, I have to remind myself of all that I still have and  all that I have learned.  Since you passed away I have learned to cherish every moment.  Liam had to go to the hospital last week to undergo a procedure which required him to be put under.  That freaked me out so much just the thought of seeing him so still.  Though, the night before and the morning of, I spent so much time just chatting with him, appreciating his silliness.  Normally I don't think I would have done that.  I am trying to appreciate everything and remind myself that life can change in an actual SECOND.  I just wish the SECOND our lives changed forever could be scraped from the books and you would still be here with us.

Thank you for making me a mother for the 3rd time and a mother to 3 boys.  You have forever changed my life and you are forever part of my life. 

Please look after me and your little brother/sister as we prepare for his/her arrival in a few short weeks.  I know you will be there with us and I know OB4 is so lucky to have you as a sibling.

I love you more than you will ever know. 

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Little kicker

Dear Owen,

So I was just looking at these photos of you from our last trip to the beach with you last summer...

 

 

 

Needless to say YOU LOVED THE BEACH!  Just like your Momma!  You, unlike your brothers, didn't cry the first time I put your feet in the ocean.  We were in Hilton Head and as soon as I put your feet in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, you immediately started to kick your feet and laugh with joy.  You loved it!  You had a smile on your face the entire time!  I hate to tell you once again that I am sad but I just started BAWLING here at my desk thinking of you laying there on the towel, kicking your feet in utter joy and happiness.  Your legs use to go CRAZY every time you were laying around and your brothers were jumping around beside you.  You would giggle like crazy and kick your feet in pure excitement.  It almost looked like you were trying to run around with them.  I guess now that you are in Heaven I can think about you running around with them when I see a butterfly chase them in the backyard or the breeze blow by their jerseys as they run around the soccer field.

I am crying because I realize that your new baby sibling is going to probably kick his or her feet in total joy, the same way you did but it won't be you.  I know I will love your little brother or sister just as much as I love you and your older brothers but I will always miss seeing the joy on your face and in your big beautiful brown eyes when you kicked your feet with joy.  I think that was one of the hardest things about seeing your body after your soul went to be with God was not seeing your beautiful brown eyes light up with joy and your legs kicking with delight.  You were my little kicker, both in and outside the womb!  Your little sibling is not nearly the kicker that you once were.

What I would give to see you now, 1 year 2 months old, running around with those little chubby legs.  You had a little birth mark on your left leg that I always rubbed when I fed and rocked you.  It really stood out on your beautifully chubby legs.  You can see it in the photo below.  I still cant' believe how big you were for a 4 month old in these pictures - WOW!  I guess all your kicking wore you out this day because you passed out as we took a walk in the stroller on the beach.  All that fresh air and excitement with the sounds of the rolling waves! 

 

As your auntie Katie W would say, may you be resting like this in paradise.  Paradise has always been the beach to me so now as the weather gets warmer and I prep to head to the Outer Banks of NC with my friends this weekend, I will always think of you when I am at the beach (not that I don't think about you all the time already!!!!!!!!!).  I know you will be there with me in spirit and I will try and remember the kicks of joy as I take in all the beauty and joy that the beach offers.

 

I love you to Heaven and back my little kicker.

 

Love,

Your one and only Mom

 

 



2 months

Dear Owen,

A year ago today you turned 2 months old.  A year ago I snapped the pictures below from your 2 month photo shoot.  Not our best monthly photo shoot because I was trying to shoot without a flash on a not so sunny day.  I thought I was going to have many many months, years, decades to take photos of you.  Your hair was classic and I love how in the last photo you look like you might punch me since I had taken so many pictures :)

 

 

9 months ago today your heart took it's last beat in your father's arms.

Thanks to all of you who continue to think of us on the 12th of the month.  Your thoughts on this day mean so much to us and make us feel just a little less alone.  Thank you, we love you all.

I miss you like crazy.  This week has been really hard.  Your dad has been in Scotland for work so it's been pretty tiring.  I know you know this already because you had a part in it but with me being 30 weeks pregnant, it's even harder when your dad travels.

For those of you out there that don't know already, we are excited to announce we are expecting baby #4.  OB4 is due June 21, 2013.  Just over 2 months from now.  That day just happens to be the summer solstice which literally means "sun stands still".  Owen, we know you had a part in blessing our family with a little sibling for you and your brothers and we are so thankful for that but it doesn't make this journey any less hard or painful.  You, our little sunshine, for sure helped in creating your little brother or sister.  With the losses we experienced before your brother Connor, we decided to put the decision to have another child in God's hands and we were once again blessed.  We didn't tell people we were expecting your little brother or sister until I was close to 18 weeks because we couldn't talk about it without crying.  Though, just the fact that OB4 is due on the first day of summer, on a day where the 'sun stands still', brought comfort to us.  OB4 in NO way will EVER replace you sweet Owen.  Though, we know, just like any baby, OB4 will bring joy to our family.  Owen, as our 3rd boy, you brought more joy into our family than your father and I could ever imagine. You taught your oldest brother to be a big helper and caregiver.  It was so much different watching Connor interact with you since he was 4 then how he interacted with Liam when he was born since Connor was only 2 then.  You taught Liam to BE an older brother.  Liam was SO excited to finally be an older brother.  You taught Liam what it was like to be a middle sibling, something I can totally relate to being the middle child.  You will now teach OB4 what it will be like to be a compassionate person and you yourself, though you live in heaven, will be an older brother and a middle child just like me.  I know it will pain me every time I look at photos to come of Connor, Liam and OB4 knowing you are missing.  I will never be blessed to have JUST ONE photo of my 4 children together.  That pains me to no extent but I am comforted to know that ONE day, we will all be able to rejoice together in heaven and I know you will be a part of our lives forever, even if you can't be in our photos.

Wednesday night this week we had our first thunderstorm of the season.  We had been over a friend's house for dinner.  The sky was very dark when we left just before bedtime.  On the drive home, I saw the lightning in the distance and I just lost it.  I was crying so hard that Connor started freaking out asking me what was wrong.  I tried to remind your brothers of how many crazy storms happened last summer after your journey to heaven.  This is a photo of the storm caught by a friend in Yardley:

Last summer we saw it as a sign of you telling us you were in heaven and you were ok.  Last summer we would just sit under the cover of the garage and stare out at the pouring rain and lightening as we thought of you, our little warrior, up in heaven.  It's these little things that make all the crazy feelings I felt those first few weeks last July come flooding back.  I could barely get your brothers up the stairs and into the shower I was so overcome with sorrow and pain.  The sound of the rain and thunder reminded me of the pain I feel in my heart every day.  My tears fell like rain and your brothers sensed my pain.  Liam was scared of the thunder in a way I had never seen before.  I laid on the floor of their room until they fell asleep that night, trying to comfort them in any way I could. 

Well, here's to you Owen.  Happy 14 month birthday in heaven.  Your brothers put grapes on the cupcakes I brought home for them this past weekend after I had a girls weekend with my best high school friends.  They thought the grapes would make the cupcakes more healthy.  I guess in theory they were right :)  We never stop celebrating your life.  You blessed us with more laughs and smiles than I could ever imagine and I am sure you are doing the same for everyone in heaven now.

 



You are top of mind like always today and everyday.  Now that spring has really started to show, it reminds me of all the walks we went on last year.  Spring came much earlier last year than it did this year.  I kinda feel like the seasons are grieving with us.

I love you more than ever.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

SIDS Fundraiser for March Madness - Brackets 4 Life

Dear Owen,

I was fortunate to come across a fundraiser to raise money for SIDS research.  As you know, we are college basketball fans and your daddy and I also went to Duke for grad school.  Your daddy and you watched the NCAA tournament last year together.  Your daddy loved to watch games with you sitting on his lap.  You were such a cuddle bug!

A current Duke student created Brackets 4 Life to raise money for SIDS research by creating a march maddness bracket.  This Duke student lost his 5 month old brother 17 years ago.  I have connected with his mother and she has given me hope that one day Owen, I will be able to remember your sweet smile and smile myself.  Hopefully her son Christopher and you are bonding in Heaven!

Anyone interested in helping out a cause near and dear to our hearts and our sweet Owen, please participate...

https://www.facebook.com/#!/brackets4life

https://www.brackets4life.com/

For the best experience they suggest using Safari, Firefox, or Chrome.

Maybe one day we will find out why SIDS happens and prevent any other family from experiencing the pain we go through every day.

Miss you more than I could ever express Owen but things like this show me that good can come out of an unthinkable situation.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Verbalizing Infant Loss

Dear Owen,

Last night I woke up to the sounds of your dad sobbing in his sleep.  It frightened me because it sounded like the cries I heard for months after you first left us for Heaven.  I immediately asked him if he was ok and he just said he had to go into your room and write in his journal.  It was so upsetting to hear those cries in the middle of the night and I was brought back immediately to the stabbing pain we felt the first weeks and months after you passed.  It is not that we don't feel that way now, I guess we have learned to control it now.  Unfortunately we can't control our dreams.

I came across this article on infant loss and I thought it really depicted how we feel.  Honestly, how no one else can feel the pain we feel.  Not that I want someone too but I think that is why we have leant so heavily on other families that have experienced such profound loss.

http://www.jsonline.com/news/opinion/the-heartache-of-infant-loss-131289299.html

The writer sums it up perfectly. 

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Owen, a day has not gone by that I haven't cried for you or ached to see your smiling face. 

I miss you more than words could ever express.

Love,
Your One and Only Mom