5 months is too short

Dear Owen,

Happy 10 month birthday in Heaven.  I so wish you were here to celebrate this milestone.  I am sure you would have been crawling up a storm and maybe even beginning to walk like your big brother Connor did at this age.  We hadn't started you on solid foods yet but I am sure you would be eating anything and everything in site!  I am happy to report that the world officially hasn't ended here on earth as of now on 12/12/12 but honestly, we feel that part of our world ended 5 months ago when God called you to Heaven. 

I can't believe it's been 5 months since you passed.  5 months is how long you lived outside of the womb here on earth and now you have been in Heaven that long.  This is a day we have dreaded for so long.  Every day forward means you have been in Heaven longer than you were physically in our arms. 

A good friend reminded me yet again that you have blessed us here in PA with another sunny day on the 12th of the month.  It seems every 12th day of the month we have a sunny day to remind me of my little sunshine, you.  I know you are doing all you can to show us that you are ok in Heaven and the sun is always shining.  Wednesday morning, tell myself a new day is a rising. 



This was the sunrise in Yardley today, making your presence known. The sun still shines.





Last night I went to visit your grave site after work before I picked up your brothers.  I distinctly remember 5 months ago putting you in your last bath as you giggled away.  I remember rocking you for the last time, singing to you.  I remember praying to God that you had put yourself to sleep since we were starting to sleep train.  Last night was SO hard for me.  How I wish I could go back and do it all again and never put you down.  I know we have been told that when SIDS happens there is NO stopping it but somehow I feel like it would have been better if you stopped breathing while you were still in my arms.  There have been cases of babies dying of SIDS while being rocked by their parents, I know personally of a case where a baby died of no known his mother's arms.  I am grateful that they were able to get your heart started just long enough for us to hold your beating heart and warm flesh and blood in our arms as we said our dreaded goodbyes.  I know your dad was so thankful that he was able to hold you as God took your soul into his arms in Heaven.  I was able to hold you as you entered this world and I will hold you again one day.  I guess it's not soon enough.

The little Christmas tree at your grave last night. The lights shine at night for you, our little sunshine.
 

Thanks to all the friends and family that have supported us.  This major milestone has come and we are still here holding on.  This was never goodbye Owen.  It is just see you later in a better place, where you will never experience hate, harm, or any of the things we have experienced in our lifetime.

Below I share something that a family member shared with us this week.  I had read it before but now, on this milestone of a day, I am reminded of how true it rings.  I know some people probably think now that this milestone is here and once your birthday and angelversary pass, I will be MUCH better.  I am not the person I used to be and I never will be again.  Though I wake up every day angry that God took you from me too soon, with no rhyme or reason, I pray that one day I will become a better person because of this experience. Owen, everything about you and my experience of loosing you has shaped who I am.  I know I am so sad now but I know some day I will become someone you will be SO proud to call your one and only mother.  I just ask that you help guide me to that place.  Believe me, you will be with me every step of the way until I hold you again.

Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

I love you now more than ever.  You are with me and please don't ever forget that.  I hope to one day be able to look at all your videos and pictures and smile instead of cry but until that day comes, know that my tears come out of a place of love for you.  Please don't be sad because I am so very sad.

5 months is just TOO short to spend with the one you love.

Love,
Your one and only Mom