Simple sounds

Dear Owen,

I hope you are enjoying have your great grandmother in heaven with you now.  As you know, your daddy's grandmother passed away on February 24.  She was 97 so I think it was her time to go but it is sad regardless.  Going to her funeral was very tough for me and the rest of the family.  It brought back a lot of memories of your memorial mass.  The songs, the songs, the songs.  Your daddy was a pallbearer so he was on the other side of the church but I saw him cry so hard when the entrance song was Here I am Lord.  I cried along with him.  All of the songs during the mass reminded me of you.  I was thankful that I was on Liam patrol so I had to focus on keeping him quiet instead of being so sad.  I felt your spirit as I always do.

At the wake the night before, your brothers didn't seem very interested in going up to the casket to say good bye to your great grandmother so I didn't push it.  Then, before we were leaving from the back of the room, Connor said to me "Hey Mom, there is a picture of Owen by my great grandmother.".  Sure enough I look up and someone had placed the mass card from your memorial mass in her casket.  I could not believe Connor noticed it from so far away.  He wanted to go up and look at it and did briefly.  I prayed while I was up there with him and asked Cecile to look after you in heaven until I join you one day.  This is the first person that had met you here on earth that is now with you in heaven.  I know your daddy and your uncle Matt spoke with her before she passed away and asked her to look after you.  I hope she is with you now, laughing and giggling away.

So I am sitting here right now, working from home because I have a massive cold.  I am trying to keep the office healthy since we are so busy.  Anyways, for the first time in months I hear someone mowing their lawn.  Again, the simple sound of a lawnmower just made me cry and yearn to have you here.  You were my spring baby.  We spent so many days walking around the neighborhoods, taking in the fresh air and sounds of spring.  We saw so many lawn services come and take care of people's lawns.  The sound reminds me that the time of year you were here last year is upon us.  We spent so many days outside, just you and me.  Remember the days I would put you in your exersauser or bouncy seat in the shade while I worked on the garden?  We would just enjoy the sunshine and sounds of spring.  The birds, the planes, the insects etc. I know Easter is approaching and you were with us last year for Easter.  I somehow thought this time of year would bring joy but instead I just miss you more.  I miss last year when I dressed my three boys up in their green St. Patrick's day shirts and took pictures of you all on the couch in the living room.  I am afraid to take a picture of your brothers this year without you.  I am afraid to face Easter without you.  I saw that the Lower Bucks St. Patrick's day parade is happening in two weekends.  I don't think I can bring myself to go.  Last year all 5 of us went to the parade.  Remember - it was SOOO cold out.  You slept most of the time in your stroller and then I carried you across my chest to keep you even warmer after you woke up. 

Last night as I was putting your brothers to bed, Liam grabbed hold of my phone and started to look at videos.  He found the video of you laughing with me on it that I took just a few days before your journey to heaven.  He played it over and over again.  I hope one day I can look at that video and not cry like I did last night.  Liam was SO happy looking at that video.  He just kept saying "Owen and Mommy laughing.  I miss Owen".  Owen, like I say to you every night, I don't even have the words to express how much I miss you.  Liam noticed how much I was crying and gave me one of his big bear hugs.  Then, as he was going to sleep, he came back into your daddy and I's bedroom and gave me "Owen's lovey".  This is the lovey your Nano and PopPop gave you when you were born.  Unfortunately you never got the chance to use it because I didn't give you lovies in your crib since you weren't old enough.  It has a baseball on it with a little blanket.  Since the day you went to heaven, Liam has become completely attached to your lovey.  As Liam handed me "Owen's lovey" he said "Mom, I think you should sleep with Owen's lovey tonight".  What a sweetheart.  I could NOT believe he let go of it.  He obviously saw how much I missed you and since that is his connection to you, he shared it with me to feel close to you.  I slept with that and your OWEN blanket next to me all night.

I can still hear your laugh when I sit her and think about it.  I hope that never fades.

I love you and miss you more than words could ever share.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Owen's 1st Annual Balloon Launch - Sunshine for Owen

Dear Owen,

Did you just love all the balloons all your loved one's sent to you in heaven for your first birthday?  Thanks to your auntie Katie for organizing the First Annual Sunshine for Owen balloon launch on February 12, 2013.  I know you met Katie when you were just over a week old.  I am so thankful she was able to meet you. 

Thanks to all of you across the country that sent balloons to Owen in heaven.  We were all SO touched by your love and support.  It really meant a lot.  It warmed our hearts on a day where we just felt so empty.  Thank you thank you thank you.

Here are pictures from the event:
https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/activity/ctkienq7g5nsm2mp9hgtq2r9eo4#events/activity/ctkienq7g5nsm2mp9hgtq2r9eo4

Sunshine for Owen:
http://sunshineforowen.blogspot.com/

Thanks to all of you who sent us cards, flowers and other reminders of our angel in heaven.  It was so nice to feel so much love and support on one of the hardest days we have faced since Owen went to be with God. 

Owen, Connor and Liam really enjoyed sending balloons to you in heaven on your birthday.  It was very windy on your birthday at the cemetary but we managed to send a few balloons up your way!  Their loving daycare that knew you so well also sent balloons up to you after Connor and Liam returned to school.  We were so touched that they had the whole daycare participate in this event to remember your sunshine soul.  Finally, over the weekend we sent up lanterns with some other family in town.

 

We are now down at Disney celebrating your life and getting away for a bit.  It is amazing how much Liam misses you.  Out of nowhere today he mentioned things you would have liked.  While we were swimming, he pointed to the other pool and said you would have loved that pool because it was so big.  When we were eating cookies after dinner, Connor and Liam both said you would have loved chocolate chip and would have eaten so many cookies!  Though Connor was quick to point out that your mouth was pretty small so it would have taken you a lot of bites :) While we were on a ride at Disney today and Liam said he wanted to give the Pirates a hug, he then told me he wanted to give you a hug.

What I wouldn't give to give you a hug today, or any day.  One last hug.  One last kiss.  I miss you more than I can ever express but I know you feel my love and the love of all that love you up in heaven.

Until we meet again face to face.

I love you to heaven and back.

Love,

Your one and only Mom

 

Wherever you are, my love will find you

Dear Owen,

Happy 1st Birthday.  Oh how we ALL missed you today.  Though, we honored you ALL day long. We felt your love and presence which was very comforting.  We woke up to a beautiful sunrise and the sun was shining all day.  We made pancakes and your brothers blew out candles for you.  Then we made strawberry lemonade cupcakes for you since they thought you would have liked them.  I love the way their little minds work!  Since Connor likes Vanilla and Liam likes Chocolate, they thought it would totally make sense that you would like Strawberry!  Then we took off to the city and went to the zoo.  It was empy which was nice so we didn't have to deal with people everywhere.  I was constantly reminded of the time I took you and your brothers there.  Liam picked out a little elephant to take home since elephants remind them of you since your "wawa/lovey" was an elephant.  Connor picked out a little keychain with your name on it.  Your dad got a little elephant statue that he left at your grave.  After we left the zoo, we then had a beautiful yummy lunch at Sabrina's Cafe. 

Up until this point I felt a sense of peace and love.  I knew your soul was with us and we smiled a lot and remembered you so fondly.  Since you were born at 4:01pm, we decided to head to the cemetary around this time so we could officially since your happy birthday song, blow out candles and release your balloons at this time.  The second I walked down to your grave, I lost it and haven't gained it back since. 

Your brothers were so excited to release the balloons to you in heaven.  They talked a lot about how the balloons had to travel all the way through space to get to you.  Only you know about that journey to heaven.  After singing Happy Birthday to you all day long, we "officially" sang happy birthday to you at 4:01pm.  I couldn't even get the words out.  I miss you so much.  I wish you were here to sit in your high chair and discover frosting and cake for the first time.  We could barely light the candles because the wind kept blowing them out.  We knew this was you taking your stab at blowing out your own 1st birthday candles. 

After our traditional birthday dinner of pizza and fruit, we decided as a family to watch the video your tante Michelle made for us of your all but too short life.  I hadn't watched it in so long.  I think I was protecting myself because every time I watch it, I am reminded of how much I love you, how much I miss you and how much I ache to hold and kiss you again.  This time was even more difficult than ever.  Connor, your oldest brother, cried the entire time.  This is one of the few times I have seen him cry for you.  He was uncontrolable and wouldn't let go of me.  This was so insanely diffficult for your Daddy and I.  it broke my heart to know how much pain he is in and will go through for the rest of his life.  It also broke my heart knowing that you died and I couldn't protect you.  It's so hard to see your children suffer and not be able to take the pain away.  I just kept telling him we will be ok and that you, Owen, were still with us.  It is such a hard concept for a 5 year old to process. Liam cried a little bit but he was also so happy to see you on the big TV and kept waving to you and singing along to the songs.  Connor just kept asking why you died and sweet Owen, I wish we had an answer for him.  We are still working through all of that.  We all held each other and wept as we remembered your sweet soul and all the great times we had with you. 

You have taught us so much in your short but sweet life and we continue to learn from you every day.  Your birth out of the 3 I have been through was definitely the most painful.  It was completely natural and it was crazy hard but it was WORTH it.  I remember thinking right after you were born on 2/12 last year that that was the worst pain I will have ever been through in my life.  I guess I was wrong.  The emotional pain I am in now is much worse.  The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing I will see you again.  I know you are with us and I find peace in that.  You are a part of me that I will never forget.  There is never going to be a day that I don't think of you, pray for you, speak to you. 

I feel like grieving a child is a life sentence. I hate that I tell you this and make you know that I am so sad but I am.  Yes, I go through the daily motions, work, errands etc.  but I really feel like I am never really there.  I am always partially disconnected, just to survive.  I watch crappy TV just to escape this reality that is my life, the rest of my life.  I know I have SO much to be joyful for but I feel like I am living two different lives.  I am so overwhelmed that every year I will have to celebrate your birthday without you.  How will I survive this?  The only answer I can come up with is with God's love and support, the love and support of friends and family and YOUR LOVE and SWEET SMILE.  I have to believe one day, whether it be tomorrow or 70 years from now, I WILL celebrate a birthday in your presence in heaven.  Please help guide me as I navigate this world of a grieving parent for the rest of my life.

As I sit here with your candle burning and your brothers asleep upstairs, I am reading the book I bought for you for your 1st birthday.  I know it is a book that most parents probably buy their children when they grow up and leave the house but I find it perfect for our situation too.  My love will find you whever you are and I know your love will find me, wherever I am.

May your eternal birthday celebration in heaven be a party with the angels.

Wherever You Are, my love will find you
by Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more
than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it.  It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you.  My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends.

You can dance till your dizzy...

paint till you're blue...

There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out in baseball,
or think you've been bad...

just life up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of
the sea...in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree...in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved.  You are loved.  You are
loved," they all say. 

My love is so high, and wide and
so deep, it's always right there, even
when you're asleep.

So hold your head high
and don't be afraid
to march to the front
of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling,
my star...and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

Happy Birthday Sweet Angel.

Love,
Your one and only Mom

Owen Michael O'Brien Memorial Fund

For all of those who have been asking, we set up a memorial fund for Owen on his 1st birthday. We are working to raise funds to establish a park here in Yardley on the Delaware River to honor all children lost too soon. We want to create a sanctuary where all grieving families can feel comfort in knowing their children are not forgotten and are ever so loved.

Owen Michael O'Brien Memorial Fund
c/o First Federal of Bucks County
PO BOX 32
Bristol, PA 19007-9893

Happy 1st birthday my sweet angel.

Weather Forecast for your 1st Birthday: Plentiful sunshine

Dear Owen,

How do you do it?!?  I just looked on my phone for the forecast for tomorrow because your Daddy, Connor, Liam and I are going to take the day off to celebrate your birthday.  After a weekend of snow and a very foggy and dreary day today, the forecast tomorrow calls for "Plentiful sunshine". 

We are so blessed to call you our sunshine and know you will be with us in spirit tomorrow, as you always are.  Your brothers are so excited to make your sunshine cupcakes.  We just wish you were here to smash it on your face.

We love you more than ever.

Happy early 1st birthday my sweet bear.  You truly are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

Love,
Your One and Only Mom

I can only hope

Dear Owen,

I hope this happens to all of us missing you so much here on earth...

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I can't wait to see you again.

May your strength guide all of us in the coming weeks as we prepare to celebrate your first birthday.

I love you more than you will ever know.

As it snowed tonight I thought of the night I went into labor with you. Your tante Thea and I walked around the neighborhood in the snow and I thought about what you would look like, who you would resemble most. Tonight I just looked at the snow and thought about how much you would have loved running around the driveway throwing snow at your brothers and tackling them in the snow. The snow was beautiful, just like you.

Love,
Your one and only mom

A confusing answer if that

Dear Owen,

We survived the holidays.  You were so missed, every second of every day.  We felt your presence but that didn't stop us from wanting you physically here.  I was so sad to see 2012 come to a close because it was YOUR YEAR.  The only year you were here living with us, outside my womb.  Though, it was also the WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE.  I can honestly say this 35th year of my life has been the worst.  2012 started out with such joy, a complete family of 3 healthy, happy boys.  2012 ended with sadness in our hearts and an actual part of me dead.  You are dead but I can really say that a part of me died when you died.  I honestly don't feel whole and don't think I ever will.

Though we wanted an answer in 2012, it never came.  It arrived last night.  We finally have it.  The results of your autopsy.  The reason, or so some medical examiner, pediatric pathologist and a few others think, why God took you from us too soon.  As opposed as we were of a doctor examining you, it was required in the state of NJ with an unexplained death of a healthy child and we were hoping it may bring answers.  After they initially told us the day after you passed that it looked to be a classic case of SIDS meaning there was no explanation for your death, a diagnosis of exclusion, they have come back and told us differently.  Last night was extremely difficult to say the least.

Last night we were told that your cause of death was aortic coarctation, the narrowing of the aorta, the large blood vessel that branches off your heart and delivers oxygen-rich blood to your body. When this occurs, the heart must pump harder to force blood through the narrow part of your aorta.  They said as a result of this condition, your left ventricle was enlarged.  So great, this all makes sense but what doesn't make sense is they say it's a birth defect and death doesn't occur unless there are symptoms.  What also doesn't make sense is you were FULLY SCREENED BY A PEDIATRIC CARDIOLOGIST at 2 months of age!  Your pediatrician heard a murmur at your 1 month check up and recommended we take you to a pediatric cardiologist to see if it was an innocent murmur or not.  So we did it.  Remember, we took you to the same cardiologist Liam sees every 3 months for his heart condition.  They ran an EKG and an echo cardiogram and they said it was innocent.  They said you were PERFECT and not to worry about your innocent murmur.  If it really is true, you had aortic coarctation, they should have caught it during the echo and it's a very treatable condition when discovered. 

So what doesn't make sense is at roughly 2 months of age you could be perfect and then 3 months later your heart could just STOP with NO symptoms.  A major symptom of aortic coarctation is lack of weight gain, but you were HUGE!  You were over 20 lbs at 5 months of age.  Another symptom is shortness of breath, you NEVER had that.  I could go on with the symptoms and you had NONE of them.  We are also so confused as to how a birth defect like this could be missed.

Needless to say we have a lot to learn, a lot of second opinions to get and a lot of questions to be answered.  I wish all this research could bring you back but we know it won't.  What it can do is prevent anything from happening to your siblings or any other children in the future.  One of the doctors is wrong and we have to figure out which one.  Everyone involved is confused and something went wrong.  We just have to figure out where and when the medical system failed us.  Failed you, our sweet sweet angel.

Our hearts are broken, just like yours.  This is only step one, we want answers.  When they tell you that everyone involved in your case is confused because this is so abnormal, it doesn't settle our fears and thoughts. 

Just know sweet Owen, we LOVE YOU.  We think about you all the time and we miss you more than words could ever say.  I am sad that it is now January, one month from your one year birthday.  We are starting to plan our the celebration for your birthday and it makes me cry every time.

I love you so much.  Your smile, your chubby legs, your spirit.  Good thing I know your spirit is still here and I still have so many pictures to see your sunshine of a smile.

Love,
Your one and only Mom