A year and answers - finally

Dear Owen,

So it's been a year.  I meant to try and write closer to the actual date of July 12, 2013 but the past few days and weeks have been more than difficult.  

July 11 and 12 this year were so difficult to say the least.  I kept reliving everything I did with you on the 11th.  It was miserable.  I could barely breathe.  I felt so guilty holding Reilly remembering holding you last year.  I would give my own life to have you back.  

We had talked about going to the beach on the 12th because you loved it and we had so many fond memories of going with you.  Unfortunately it turned out to be a rainy day.  Heaven was crying.  We went to NYC instead and attended a mass that was said in your honor.  Hearing your name read was surreal.  Owen Michael O'Brien.  Really?!? My son is dead!?!? How did this all happen.

I cried in church as I fed your sister.  I felt your presence though.  We then had lunch and I just cried and cried.  We sat in almost 4 hours of insane traffic and rain getting home.  You know how much I hate traffic so that just added to the pain of the day.  We got back so late we couldn't go to visit your gravesite plus it was pouring rain.

We watched your video and it was so painful.  I couldn't hold your sister during it because I felt I needed to devote all of my attention to you.  You are still my son and I still have to mother you even though your body is no longer with us.  I feel bad cuz since your sister arrived I haven't had as much time for you and ok sorry.  It pains me.  Watching your video was so hard.  It reminded me of how real, how alive and how happy you and I were.  Connor cried with us and then proceeded to channel his pain by drawing pictures of you and him and writing your name and how much he loved you.

A few weeks after the 12th we finally got a firm answer in regards to your autopsy. The medical examiner had said you passed away from aortic coarctation but that didn't make sense since you had been screened by a cardiologist.  Well after having many many experts review your case, they have ruled that the medical examiner was wrong and there is no clear cause of death so it's a clear case of SIDS.  I'm glad in a sense to know that a doctor didn't miss a diagnosis that could have saved you but I'm sad because I don't have someone to blame. Having someone to blame allowed me to channel my anger and pain at someone.  I just wish we all knew why SIDS happened.  Jim was relieved with this news but honestly now I'm just so scared for Reilly since there isn't a clear cause of SIDS.  We did everything to prevent SIDS with you but you still died.

Sorry it has taken me so long to write.  My heart is with you every second of every day.  Wish you were walking here now.  Miss you more than ever my sweet angel.

Love,

Your one and only mom