Back to the grind

Dear Owen,

So I did it.  I went back to work.  With Liam and Connor, I didn't go back to work or school until they were over 8 months old.  I was planning on staying home with you and your brothers instead of going to work.  All that changed when you went to be with Jesus on your 5 month birthday.  Reilly is a little over 4 months old.  I figured I should go back now so I am not sitting and waiting until the day she turns 5 months, 1 day - older than you lived here with us on earth.  It makes me sick to think you only lived with us for 5 months.  I have to remind myself that you are still part of us, just in a different way.

I can't get over how much Reilly looks like you, especially in the bath.  Here you are fighting off Connor's splashes.  I am getting sad because we are redoing our bathrooms and no longer will we have the tubs you bathed in :(

I have pictures of you up in my new office.  My old company relocated so I came to another company in the same industry in our same town.  I am working with one of my old coworkers but the rest of them are new.  Needless to say, I have been asked many times this week "how many kids do you have?" or people have some to my office and asked about the pictures in it.  A lot of them have asked if I have two boys and a girl because they see the pictures of you and your brothers and assume that is Reilly too since they also see pictures of her.  I have told all of them no, I have three boys and one girl but my youngest boy passed away.  It has been so difficult.  This is our new story and I so wish it wasn't.  I wish I could say, yes, I have 4 kids - 5, 3, 1 and 4 months and smile with pure joy.  Instead I cringe inside and silently weep that you are no longer with us.

We decided to hire a nanny instead of putting Reilly in daycare.  At least that is all working out great.  Our nanny is so loving to all of our children and she also knew you Owen so I know you are still a daily part of all of our lives.

I will forever have a picture of you in my office, in my wallet, on my phone, in my heart and you will forever be my youngest boy.  You earned your wings way to early but I guess that is proof that you are a pure angel. 

I love you more than words could ever say.  No day gets easier.  To all the other grieving parents out there, I hate to tell you that but it's true.  It just changes as time passes but unfortunately my heart will never heal.  Thanks to all the other grieving mothers, family and friends that get me through each day.

Love you to heaven and back.

Love,
Your one and only mom

Here you are laying next to your Dad who was passed out.  Lazy Dad :)