Today is one of those days. I am loosing it. I just hate life right now. I miss you. I want you to be here. I woke up at 6:15 and just sat in bed. Normally I would have been up with you but you weren't there. Your room was empty and quiet. I laid in bed and asked God why he took you. As your brothers slept, I sat there and cried for you. I hate that you aren't here for us to hold, love and care for.
Yesterday I was fortunate to hold our good friend's baby for the first time who was born a week ago. This was the first time I have held a baby since I held you in my arms as you passed into heaven. To say it was difficult is an understatement. It was excruciating. Not because I wasn't happy for our friends and their beautiful new baby but I was so sad for our family. I was so sad that you had been that little and I had nursed and cared for you as you grew a whopping 14 lbs in 5 short months. I was blessed to be able to hold this miracle of joy but ever since then my heart has been broken for how empty my arms are for you. (For you two that may read this that know who you are, I know you know how hard it was for me but I am SO thankful I was able to hold your bundle of joy and he is beautiful. We are blessed to have you and your family in our lives!)
Ever since you went to heaven, I have stopped checking Facebook. I know you know what Facebook is because I spent WAY too much time during our endless feeding sessions looking at mindless crap on there. Yes, I loved the updates from near and dear friends but there is some stupid crap on there. I hate that I am missing those happy family updates from dear friends because I just can't stomach them right now. I don't know if I ever will be able to. When I see friends with 3 kids I cringe because you are no longer in the photos with Connor and Liam. When I see friends complain about stupid crap I get so angry because you know what, life could be a lot lot worse. When I see friends post pictures of babies my heart sinks just a little bit deeper as I long to have you here with us on earth. I made the mistake and logged in at work onto Facebook under my personal account and I saw all of these updates this morning. As I started to ball at my desk, I quickly logged out and logged in under my sutto work account and proceeded to dry my tears as I looked at PetArmor's page and other dog brand pages.
Owen, I am slowly loosing it. As the world moves on, I don't. I don't want to move on because you were my third son and I don't understand why you just stopped breathing and aren't here with us anymore. As we await the final autopsy reports, I dread the words that so many other SIDS moms have seen in the past. Cause of death "Can not be determined, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome". Not knowing why God caused you to just stop breathing as you went to sleep one night I will never understand. The world is moving on as life is back to normal for them but my life is not. Your brothers see me cry all the time. On the way to school this morning I heard Zac Brown's "Highway 20 Ride". I just lost it. Your daddy and I put on Zac Brown in the delivery room while you were being born. I remember pushing and that song came on and I just lost it. Tears were streaming down my face and the same thing happened to me this morning. I was driving down the road I drove down twice a day, 3 times a week while you were here with us on earth as we carted your brothers to preschool.
I wish there was something I could do to bring you back and stop this pain. My only hope is that one day my time on earth here will end and once again I will hold you in my arms. I know that as each day passes, I am one day closer to being with you in heaven and that does bring a light of hope to the darkness I now face.
I know I have to live on because your brothers and your dad need me here with them. The questions are starting to come from Connor about what happened the night you passed. He hasn't started asking your Dad but they have started with me "What did Owen look like when you found him?", "Why were you screaming at him when you found him?". They break my heart every time. I try and explain that I was screaming because I was scared and I was not screaming at him. I try and explain that you looked peaceful and still. I don't want him to feel the pain that I felt and still feel every day. Liam has now started sleeping with not only your baseball lovey but also the little turtle that plays "You are my sunshine" because he says "This is Owen's favorite song". They both miss you so much and always talk about how they want to tickle you, kiss you and hold you.
You are missed and loved by so many. I know you know that.
Please guide my way today as I struggle with how to put one foot in front of the other. The only thing that gets me through is to think of your contagious smile. We took this picture of you one late in June after we arrived at Spring Lake Beach in NJ. You hadn't napped on the car ride there and we thought you would be soooo tired. As you can tell, you were bundles of smiles as we took you out of the car and put you in the stroller, one of the first times you rode in the stroller as a big boy. You managed to fall asleep shortly after we walked on the beach. I guess you just wanted to hear the humm of the ocean waves as you drifted off to sleep. Just like your mother.
I love you and miss you.
Love,
Your one and only Mom
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