So I am on my third week of work at my new job as a brand manager for PetArmor. Though it has been somewhat nice to be distracted, nights are so difficult becuase I can't mourn all day long. Sometimes I just stare at your picture when I am on conference calls and I know I am not as focused as I am supposed to be. I miss you. I miss my role as a stay at home mom. Days that were filled with endless feeding sessions, cuddle sessions and giggle sessions.
So every night after work as I leave my office, I am torn between turning left or right out of the parking lot. If I go left, 2 miles down the road will lead me to your grave site. If I go right, it will lead me to your brother's daycare, our house and your dad. I am torn every day. I still want to be your mom and I still want to hold you every day. Though I know I will always be your mom, my heart and body aches daily because I can't hold you. I want to visit your grave every day just to be within arms length of your body. Though I know your soul is now in God's hands I am still attached to the physical connection of your body. I think it is because we were literally attached to each other physically for 10 months in the womb and 5 months outside the womb.
So most days I do turn right because I have to get your brother's at school but one day this week I turned left. I went to visit your gravesite for the first time by myself. That was a big step for me because I am always scared. Scared of freaking out, scared of not being able to leave or drive because my emotions are so intense. Scared that I may just dig you up just to hold you again. I know that sounds TOTALLY insane and I know it and I know I won't do it but it does cross my mind. Right now I break down every time I visit your gravesite and every day after I leave work, regardless if I turn left or I turn right. I think having to control my emotions all day long makes me want to just release as soon as I am done at work for the day.
Owen, I wish it was as simple as turning left or right to see you again. My mind is still clouded with memories from your final hours and the days of your service and I can't seem to recall the endless hours we spent together for the 5 months you were here with us. I am grateful for that time and I will forever ask God why he cut it so short! I don't believe that taking you from me was part of God's plan but I sure do believe that you are now with God and he will help your father, your brothers, your extended family and I through the rest of our lives.
Every morning when I wake up I also have to make the decision. Do I turn left and get out of bed and get ready for work or do I turn right and cuddle with your father and cry as I cringe at another day I have to face without you. Most days I do turn left and get out of bed but there are still days where I turn right and I stay in bed a bit longer and think about you and miss you.
I love you and I miss you. I miss the way you always followed me with your gorgeous brown eyes around the room as I tried to get stuff done while the boys were at preschool. You looked at me with complete adoration and I miss that. I miss checking on you at night when I check on all my boys before I go to sleep. Your room is still so dark and quiet.
Keep on fighting my little warrior.
I love you and miss you.
Love,
Your one and only Mom
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